Are You Sick Like Me?
by DallasWinston98
Summary: WARNING: This is an incestuous pairing, please do not read if you do not like this ship. Ponyboy and Sodapop begin an incestuous relationship and have it hidden from everyone. One night someone, walks in on them and things begin to fall apart since that night. Will Soda and Pony be able to stick together or be ripped apart?
1. Chapter 1: Inner Sickness

Chapter 1: Inner Sickness

(Sodapop POV)

Something has been growing within me recently, something that should not exist. I can't really make it go away. I can push it away but then it comes back even worse. Maybe if I don't think about it, it'll go away. I don't think it's that simple but I wish it was though. I can't look at him the way I should, I shouldn't be looking at him the way I do. I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be,.

I'm in love with my little brother, Ponyboy.

I don't know when it all started, it was a gradual process. It mostly began manifesting after Sandy had left and I was heart broken still. Pony was there for me and he held me when I needed to cry. He understood if I cuddled up to him at night because I just wanted somebody close to me. I look at him with a new set of eyes now, I see him in a way I should not. I like to watch him do normal, everyday tasks. When we do the dishes together, our hands occasionally brush against each other and it sends electricity through my body. I don't ever see him looking at me the way I look at him. His body language seems to show some interest but I wouldn't dare act out what I wanted to do.

I should not be in love with my little brother. What would Darry think? What would the gang think? What would have mom and dad thought if they were still here? I feel like I have failed everyone by falling in love with Pony. I couldn't stop myself, it just happened. What makes it worse is the fact we're both men..let's just say that is not accepted. People don't even talk about gays. It's taboo, it's wrong but it feels so right to me. I think the sinfulness of it makes it feel even more worth it, or is that just me being a typical seventeen year old boy? I've never really felt the need to be rebellious.

Right now, it was time for me and Pony to go to bed. I had already crawled under the blankets, just wanting to go to sleep so I wouldn't even noticed Pony. Pony crawled under the blankets with me and he looked over at me.

"Soda?" he whispered and I sighed.

"Yeah?" I whispered back and yawned lightly.

"Do you have a crush on anyone?" he asked, softly and I felt my face get hot.

"No, not really. I've been trying to focus on other things besides love. Remember what love did to me the last time?"

Pony winced from remembering what Sandy had done to me, "Yeah, I know what it did.."

"So, no, I haven't really thought of having a crush recently."

"I think I have one.." Pony said shyly and shifted awkwardly.

"Really? Who is she?" I asked with a smirk and Pony giggled.

"No, I'm not telling you.."

"Aw, why not?"

"I'm just not ready to tell anyone who it is yet.." Pony said before yawning.

"I think we better get to sleep." I muttered and Pony rolled over so his back was to me.

"Okay..Goodnight, Soda.." Pony said in what sounded like a sad tone.

"Goodnight, Pony.." I whispered back.

Before I fell asleep, I swear I heard him say "I love you".

I was awoken by Pony shaking me, I knew I had slept later than I usually would.

"Soda, you have to wake up!" Pony said, his voice was still tired sounding.

"Ugh.." I groaned and slowly sat up, I did not want to go to work today.

For some reason, I felt today would be a weird day. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me feel all fidgety. It wasn't a bad feeling but it wasn't necessarily a good feeling. Somewhere in the middle..

I stood up and grabbed some clothes, I then made my way to the bathroom for a shower. As I was walking to the shower, I ran straight into Ponyboy. I apologized and tried to move around him but he wouldn't let me pass.

"Pony, I already slept late, I don't need to be late for work." I said and attempted to get around once again.

"Sorry." he said dryly and stepped out of the way.

I walked into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind me. I felt confused on why Pony would stay in my way like that, not to mention the weird way he was looking at me. I got chills from just remember what look he gave me. I began running the shower water and got it to the temperature I desired. I began pull of my clothes and my hands occasionally brushing my skin made me feel weird. I had a sudden thought. I had a weird feeling that soon, it wouldn't be just my hands touching me later today. I brushed it off quickly and climbed into the shower.

I finished my shower and walked into the kitchen, Darry had already left which means I'll have to walk to work. Pony was sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Did Darry not make any breakfast?" I asked confused and Pony looked up at me.

"Darry slept late too, he can't be late to work." Pony explained and went to put his bowl in the sink.

"Oh..," I began buttoning up my work shirt.

"Are you hungry?" Pony asked while turning to me.

"No, not really.." I admitted, the weird feeling in my stomach made me lose my appetite.

"Oh, okay." Pony muttered while walking to the living room and sat on the couch.

I looked at the clock and noticed it was time for me to leave.

"Pony, I have to go, have a good day today!" I said happily and walked to the door.

"Bye, you have a good day too." Pony muttered and sighed.

I stepped out of the house and closed the door behind me. The morning air was cool and crisp, dew was shining off the green grass. I stepped down the sidewalk and opened the gate. I started walking to the DX, I had a million thoughts going through my head.

"I hope today will be okay.." I muttered to myself and continued to walk to work.

I finally reached the DX and sighed heavily.

"Let's get today started.." I said while approaching the DX.

A/N: Here is chapter one of my new fanfiction! I'm really excited and I hope you all enjoy it!


	2. Chapter 2: Broken

Chapter 2: Broken

The day went on like every other day, but the strange feeling in my gut made me feel uncomfortable all day. Business was slow today so i was leaning against the counter. I sighed heavily and took a glance at the clock. I was surprised to find that it was already time for me to go home, Steve was making his final rounds of the day.

"Man, today was boring." I yawned and stretched.

"You barely did anything." Steve said while locking the office door.

"That's because there was nothing for me to do. ." I muttered while stepping out from the counter.

"You could've done a lot if you weren't in the bathroom for an hour taking a huge dump," Steve said with a smile, I gave him a bored look.

"I was not taking a dump!" I exclaimed and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Then what were you doing? Operating a glory hole?"

"No! Get your mind out of the gutter!" I said while giggling.

"Alright, what were you doin' then?" Steve asked, I suddenly felt my heart drop.

I suddenly felt sweat form above my brow, I wanted to throw up. How do you tell your best friend you were having dirty thoughts about your little brother? Steve was looking at me, he raised an eyebrow at me. He has no idea how many times I cussed myself out during that hour or, the many moments I wanted to cry. I kept asking myself why? Why, Ponyboy? Why my little brother? Why, why, why?

"Soda, are you okay?" Steve asked, concerned and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine." I whimpered and gulped from fear.

"You sure? You look like you're about to cry. ." Steve muttered and rubbed my shoulder in soothing patterns.

"Yeah, I am, I just didn't sleep good last night. ." I lied and feigned a yawn.

"Oh, well, you should get home to get some rest, you're so lucky today's Friday." Steve said while lightly pushing me toward the door.

"Alright, see you later, Stevie." I said while pushing the door open.

"Bye, Soda!" Steve called out before I stepped out.

I heard the door close as I walked away. I was walking down the sidewalk when I whimpered to myself. I ran my fingers through my chocolate colored hair and growled angrily at myself.

"Sodapop Patrick Curtis, you God damn idiot! You just had to fall in love with Pony, didn't you?!" I yelled and buried my face into my hands.

I felt eyes on me so I looked up from my cupped hands. I was met with the horrified facial expression of a slender woman and her daughter. I smiled nervously and slowly waved at them. The little girl looked up to her mother,

"Mama, is the man okay?" she asked, softly and I felt my face get hot from embarrassment.

"Let's hope, ummm. . is okay. ." the woman muttered and began walking past me,

"Excuse us, mister."

I watched as they walked away, I turned back around and sighed heavily.

"Great, now I'm a sicko and now, I look mental. ." I whispered to myself and continued to walk home.

I stepped inside and saw Pony sitting on the couch, my heart broke in my chest.

"Hey, Soda, what took you so long?" Pony asked and smiled lightly.

"I got distracted. ." I muttered while sitting by Pony.

"Oh. ." Pony muttered while looking at his piece of chocolate cake.

I started at the TV, I wasn't really watching it. I glanced over at Pony and noticed him taking a bite of the cake. Why did I find that seductive? I felt angry and fisted my hair.

"Pony, can you not do that?!" I yelled and Pony looked at me in shock.

"D-Did I do something wrong?" Pony asked with his mouth slightly full, he sat the cake down on his lap.

"No, no you didn't, I just. . um. ." I spat out and quickly changed the subject, "where's Darry?"

Pony seemed shocked about my sudden change but he shrugged it off.

"He called earlier, he said he had to work late." Pony explained and slowly picked up his cake.

"Okay. . " I stared ahead at the TV.

I had to cook tonight and I personally don't think I'm a good cook. I like using food coloring. . . on almost everything. Tonight, everything was blue. I made sure Pony did his homework and now, it was time for bed and I was waiting for Pony so I could turn off the lamp.

"Goodnight, Soda. . " Pony muttered and yawned.

"Goodnight to you too, Pony." I whispered and shut my eyes.

I was about to doze off when Pony did something that made me want to take him, right then and there.

Pony rubbed his ass against my junk.

I don't know if he did it on purpose but I had to bite my bottom lip.

"Mm. ." I hummed softly and quietly crawled out of the bed.

I practically ran to the bathroom and shut the door behind me, I made sure to lock it. I pulled down my boxers to expose my erection. I took in a shaky breath and gripped it. I rubbed my own shaft, slowly and I pretended it was Pony.

"Oh. . Pony. ." I moaned softly and panted.

I felt pure guilt but I needed to relieve myself. I saw Pony underneath me, writhing from my cock being buried inside of him.

"P-Pony, oh fuck!" I exclaimed and quickly covered my mouth with my free hand.

I whimpered into my hand as I rubbed my dick faster. I had my eyes squeezed shut so I could feel all of the pleasure.I felt a familiar warmth in between my legs, meaning I had reached my orgasm.

"Ah!" I screamed into my hand and came all over my hand.

I panted heavily as I leaned against the wall, I slowly pulled my boxers back up. I washed my cum off of my hand and dried my hands off with a near-by towel. The shame fell over me like a dark storm cloud, I sighed heavily.

I slowly walked back to the bedroom and stealthily got under the blanket making sure my back was facing Pony this time. I sniffled to myself and whimpered.

"Why do I have to be such a sicko. . ?" I whispered and sobbed.

I softly cried myself to sleep, I hated myself so much.


	3. Chapter: Have No Fear

Chapter 3: Have No Fear

I was restless all night, I did not handle crying myself to sleep well. I woke up the next day with a massive headache, the light coming in through the windows made me want to vomit. I groaned and slowly sat up, I put my face in my hands. I regretted what I did last night and I hated that I cried myself to sleep. Why do I feel this way? All it's done to me is make me cry, cuss and just want to die. I felt like an animal that could attack at any moment, maybe I was an animal. I looked over at the clock that was on the night stand and noticed it was 1 PM.

"Crap, I slept so late.." I muttered and swung my legs off the

bed.

This sudden movement made my headache worse and I fisted my hair. I sat like this for a few moments until it returned to it's dull ache. The house was creepily quiet, it was never like this. Ever. I could hear the TV faintly playing in the living room. I figured everyone went somewhere and I was left out. I sighed heavily, and slowly stood, making sure not to move too fast. I grabbed my jeans off the floor and slowly put them on, I felt like a slug today.

I finished getting ready and made my way to the living room, I was staring toward the floor. Shame is a very heavy thing to carry. I looked up and saw Pony sitting on the couch, he was reading a book. I felt sweat form on my forehead, either from nervousness or from being sick, I had no idea. I don't think I was sick, I just had a headache that made me feel extra icky.

"Soda, are you okay?" Pony asked and sat down his book.

"I-I'm fine." I stated and stumbled to the couch.

"Are you sure?" Pony asked and placed his hand on my shoulder.

His touch made my heart melt but then shatter when I knew I couldn't have him, not the way I wanted him. I whimpered but then swallowed it down, forming a ball in my throat.

"Soda?" Pony asked, softy and moved closer to me.

"Pony. Don't." I said and shrugged his hand off.

"What did I do?" Pony asked, and scowled at me.

"Pony.." I whispered and I felt a warm tear roll down my face.

"What?"

"I-I...I love you, I love you so much..I can't, I can't.." I spit out and placed my face into my hands.

"Soda, I love you too, I mean we're brothers and brothers love each other.." Pony muttered and watched me closely.

"No, I mean.." I said while moving my hands from my face.

"What do you mean then?" Pony asked and I scooted closer to him.

I quickly pressed my lips to Pony's, I caressed his face with my hands. Pony sat still for a moment but returned the kiss. I felt tears from the sudden emotions that were flooding into me. I pulled away and was panting lightly, Pony was looking at me.

"S-Soda.." Pony whispered and glanced at my lips.

"Do you love me?" I asked, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest.

"Yes, I love you so much.." Pony muttered and lightly pressed his lips onto mine.

"You're not just saying that just to make me stop crying, are you?" I asked when he pulled away.

Pony rapidly shook his head, "No, No, I love you, Soda." I couldn't keep the smile off of my face, I also couldn't help but cry a little.I wiped away my tears and looked at Pony, he was smiling at me.

"How long have you felt like this?" Pony asked and I looked down to the floor.

"Longer than I probably should have.." I admitted and Pony sighed.

"I've felt like this for a long time, Soda..I just figured it was wrong because we're brothers." Pony muttered and kissed my cheek.

"It is wrong, Pony. That doesn't mean I won't stop loving you though and I think you know that." I said with a smirk and kissed him lightly.

I deeply kissed Pony, slowly licking his lips to get access into his mouth. Pony hesitated but slowly opened his mouth to me. I quickly slid my tongue into his hot mouth, I licked over his tongue and his teeth. Pony moaned and gingerly licked my tongue. God, I loved tasting , I heard the screen door open. I ripped away from Pony and quickly wiped the saliva that connected us away. Pony followed by wiping his face. I looked over at the door just as Darry stepped in with a milk jug in his hand.

"H-Hey, Dar.." I stuttered and smiled at him.

Darry raised an eyebrow at me, "Are you guys okay?"

"Yeah, why would you ask?" Pony said and I tried to keep calm.

"Soda's practically on top of you, Pony.." Darry said and made his way to the kitchen.

I looked down and noticed that I was practically on top of Pony, I blushed heavily and sat correctly on the couch.

"Soda?" Pony said and I looked over at him.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

I smiled lightly, "I love you too."

It was late in the evening now, Darry had gone to bed. Pony and I were sitting on the couch, watching TV. I had my arm wrapped around Pony's waist, Pony had his head on my chest. He shifted so his face was close to mine, he quickly pressed his lips to mine. I kissed him back, slowly laying Pony down onto the couch, I softly kissed him on the cheek.

"S-Soda.." Pony whispered and I pulled away.

"Yeah?"

"Can we move to the bedroom?" he asked, shyly and I

smirked down at him.

"Of Course." I said and slowly stood.

Pony stood and I began to walk to our shared bedroom, Pony followed close behind. I stepped into the room and let Pony step in before I shut the door.

"Soda.." Pony whispered and stepped up to me.

I quickly pressed my lips to his, slowly pushing him toward the bed. I pulled away and pushed him down onto the bed, I slowly crawled ontop of him. Pony looked up at me, his cheeks were a deep red, like roses. I slowly moved down and softly kissed his neck. Pony moaned and ran his fingers through my hair. I circled my tongue in one spot and left a soft kiss. I pulled away and moved back up, I slowly licked Pony lips. He opened his mouth and I slid my tongue into his mouth, loving to taste him once again.

Pony moaned as I ran my tongue over his, he ran his tongue over my own, causing me to moan. We made out for a few minutes until I had to pull away. I pulled out of the kiss and I was panting heavily. Pony was panting and looked up at me, I lightly kissed him on the forehead.

"Soda?" Pony asked,

"Hm?"

"I want you to take me, please." Pony muttered and kissed me deeply.

"Are you sure?" I asked, I felt panicked.

Pony nodded, "I'm sure, I want you to have all of me.."

I nodded and sat up on my knees. Pony sat up along with me and pulled at my T-shirt. I smirked and pulled my shirt off, then I pulled off Pony's shirt. He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled at them, I took control and pulled off my pants. When I looked back up, Pony had already removed his pants and underwear. I noticed the deep blush on his face and he refused to look at me now. I removed my underwear and crawled back on top of Pony.

"Pony, I just want you to know, I think you're beautiful.." I whispered and I heard him giggle.

"T-Thank you, Soda..You're not bad lookin' yourself." Pony said and kissed me lightly.

I took in a deep breath, was I really about to do what I was about to do? Was I really going to take my little brother's virginity? This is what I wanted but it all felt too real.

"A-Are you ready?" I asked as I placed my member at his entrance.

Pony whimpered in fear, I kissed him on the forehead.

"Shh, I'll be gentle, I promise." I muttered soothingly to him, he nodded and closed his eyes tightly.

"Just get it over with.." Pony whispered, his voice was shaky.

I pushed myself inside of my little brother, first noticing how tight he was.

"Oh God, Pony, you're so tight.." I moaned and Pony groaned in pain.

"Sodaaa.." Pony sobbed and I saw some tears escape his eyes.

"Shh, Pony, it's okay.." I whispered as I thrusted slowly, making sure to be gentle like I promised.

"It hurts..so much.." Pony moaned in agony and dug his nails into my back.

"I know, Pony, I know.." I replied and thrusted a tad harder.

"W-Will it feel better?" he asked, his voice sounded small.

"Yes, It will, give it some time.."

"O-kay, Soda.."

Pony suddenly moaned in what seemed to be pleasure, I looked down at him.

"Does it feel better now?" I asked, softly and Pony looked at me with half closed eyes.

"Y-Yes, oh, yes!" Pony called out and I shushed him.

"We have to be quiet, Darry is right across the hallway." I muttered as I thrusted faster.

"Right there, S-Soda, please.." Pony whimpered and deeply kissed me.

I loved the way his body encased my member, I loved being intimate with him. I let a soft moan escape my lips, I just loved everything about this moment. I knew no one would ever understand how I could love my brother the way I do, but I didn't care about others thoughts. Pony's skin against mine made me forget the world and made me concentrate on him. He didn't have to say my name, he had all of my attention and always will.

"S-Soda, I-I'm gonna..aaah.." Pony mewled and placed his hands onto the back of my head.

I forgot he couldn't hold out as long as I thought because of him being a virgin. I sighed heavily and laughed to myself.

"Go ahead and release, I forgot you were a virgin."

"How do you forget someone's a virgin? I cried from the pain.." Pony whimpered and fisted my hair.

"Shut up and listen to me." I said with a smile and Pony nodded.

I thrusted hard and deep into Pony, causing him to writhe underneath me.

"Soda, aah!" Pony moaned loudly and came all over himself.

Pony laid there underneath me as I kept thrusting. He wrapped his legs around my waist and fisted the sheets. I figured he would have to orgasm twice now, I don't think he'll mind that though.

I went hard and rough now, I knew it would be bad for him tomorrow when he walks but it felt too good to stop.

"Soda!" Pony silently screamed and buried his face into my shoulder.

"P-Pony, oh fuck.." I moaned loudly as I felt my own orgasm.

"I'm gonna cum again, Soda!" Pony panted,

"I'm almost there, wait for me.." I pleaded and he nodded.

My thrusts slowed to being hard and deep, I buried myself into Pony and released within him. Pony gasped and came all over himself again. I collapsed on top of him, not even bothering to pull out yet. Pony sighed happily and ran his fingers through my hair, I smiled.

"You having fun there?" I asked,

"Maybe I am.."

"Good, I'm glad you're having fun." I whispered and slowly pulled out of Pony.

"Do we have to get dressed?" Pony asked and slowly tried to sit up.

"No, we should be okay," I helped Pony get under the blanket.

"I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.." Pony muttered and I laughed.

"I'll help you get around if you want me to."

"Thanks, Soda but I think I'll try at least."

"Alright then." I said while getting under the blanket with Pony, I brought him into a hug.

"I love you, Soda.." Pony whispered and yawned.

"I love you too, Pony..so much.."

Pony drifted off to sleep and I sat awake for a moment. I just slept with my brother, who I've loved for what seems like forever now. I felt so happy, all of the dark clouds that were hanging over me just randomly disappeared. I shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4: Say It

Chapter 4: Say It

I felt mystical, everything seemed to be too good to be true. Pony accepted my feelings and he was officially mine, I could barely believe it. Sadly, Monday had to come back around to ruin it all. I wanted to spend all the time with Pony but I have work and Pony has school. I heard the alarm screech through my dreams, I groaned and opened my eyes. Pony shifted in my arms and sleepily looked at me.

"Shut it off," Pony muttered and rolled over.

I sighed and sat up, pushing the button on the alarm clock. I looked over at Pony and shook him.

"Come on, Pony, you have to get up." I whispered to him and he groaned in annoyance.

"Why can't I sleep until Darry comes to wake me up?" Pony asked.

"You know he's gonna yell at you and you don't like being yelled at. So, it's only smart to get up now." I said and scooted close to Pony.

"Come on, wake up, for me?" I cooed and softly kissed him on the cheek.

"Fine. I'll wake up, just for you though," Pony responded and sat up, "You better repay me for this."

"I will, but you'll have to wait for later." I said while getting some clothes and heading toward the door.

"Soda!" Pony exclaimed and I looked back at him.

"What?"

"I love you.." Pony muttered and blushed.

I smiled softly at him, "I love you too."

I stepped out of the bedroom and ran into Darry.

"Hey, Darry." I muttered and smiled.

"You're in a rather good mood this morning," Darry ruffled my hair, "What's makin' you so happy?"

I opened my mouth but then remembered I was talking to my older brother. I couldn't necessarily tell my older brother that I was in a relationship with our little brother and also had sex with him. Darry looked at me, confused that I hadn't answered yet.

"Soda?" Darry asked and waved his hand in front of my face.

I came back from my conscious and looked into his blue eyes, "Oh, I'm happy because I like someone."

"Like someone?" Darry asked with a smirk and I blushed lightly.

"Yeah, I like someone.." I muttered, wanting to get to my shower.

"Well then, congratulations on getting over..you know who.." Darry said and made his way to the kitchen.

"T-Thanks.." I said, softly and walked to the bathroom.

I finished my shower and stepped out, walking in front of the mirror. I stared at myself for a few moments. Personally, I never thought much about myself. I know a lot of people find me attractive but I don't see it, I'm pretty average. I ran my fingers through my wet hair and sighed. I began to slide my clothes on, I felt weird about today.

I stepped out of the bathroom and went to the bedroom to check on Pony's progress.

"Pone?" I said before stepping into the room.

"hmm?" Pony hummed while quickly standing from the bed.

"...You've been asleep this entire time, haven't you?" I asked and Pony shook his head.

"No, no, I swear I was awake!" Pony exclaimed and yawned.

"Sure you were," I sat on the bed and grabbed my shoes, "I might reconsider your repayment."

"No, please, I didn't mean to fall back asleep!" Pony whined and sat by me.

I chuckled, "I'll let it slide this time."

Pony smiled and lightly kissed my cheek.

"You're so damn lucky I love you," I said while tying my shoe.

"I know I am." Pony muttered.

I heard the front door open and then a familiar voice come from the living room.

"Looks like Steve is here," I said while standing up.

"ugh, he's going to steal you away from me!" Pony grumbled.

"Now, don't get jealous, Pony." I muttered with a smile.

"I have a right to be."

"Sure you do.." I said, sarcastically.

I stepped out of the bedroom and entered the living room, Steve walked out of the kitchen and saw me.

"Hey, Soda!" Steve exclaimed and put me in a head lock.

"I swear, Steve, I just fixed my hair!" I exclaimed as he ruffled my hair.

Steve released me, "Gee, sorry to mess with your precious locks of hair."  
he muttered.

"Haha, very funny, Stevie." I said and noticed someone sleeping on the couch.

I looked over at the sleeping figure and noticed it was Two-Bit.

"Wonder when he got here.." I muttered and walked into the kitchen.

"Well, by the beer bottle by his hand, he probably went through a huge drunken stupor and ended up here." Steve said as he followed me.

"Knowing Keith, that's probably exactly what happened. " I said while grabbing a glass so i could pour myself a glass of chocolate milk.

"Soda, I made breakfast but I have to go," Darry said while making his way to the front door, "Make sure Pony gets ready."

"Okay, have a good day, Darry!" I called out.

"You too, Soda!" Darry called back and stepped out of the house.

I heard groaning come from the living room,

"Oh, I guess sleeping beauty decided to join the living" I said before taking a drink from my glass of chocolate milk.

Two-Bit stumbled into the kitchen and squinted at me and Steve.

"Hangovers suck, huh Two-Bit?" Steve said and Two-Bit glared at him.

"Shut up.." Two-Bit grumbled and sat at the table.

"Someone's cranky." Steve said, softly and stepped into the living room.

I finished my glass of milk, "You alright, Two-Bit?"

"I have a hangover, do you think I'm okay?" Two-Bit snapped.

"Hey, man, it's not my fault you drank an entire keg last night!" I exclaimed and went to the bedroom.

Pony was slipping on his shoes when I walked in, he heard me and looked up at me.

"You almost ready, babe?" I asked, softly and Pony blushed.

"Did you just call me 'babe'?" he murmured and I smiled at him.

"Yeah, I did, is there something wrong with that?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah, it's fine.." Pony muttered.

"Come out when you're done. Watch out for Two-Bit though, he's in a mood." I said while stepping back into the living room.

"Steve, get me a piece of cake!" Two-Bit begged and Steve gave him a smart look.

"Get off your ass and get it yourself!" Steve yelled and Two-Bit groaned.

"I have a hangover and I feel terrible! Please!" Two-Bit begged.

"I said no." Steve said while turning to me.

"Bitch!" Two-Bit yelled and threw something at Steve.

"Hey! Two-Bit, don't talk like that!" I stated and sighed heavily.

"He won't be a good slave and get me cake!" Two-Bit whined.

"Too bad, get up yourself and get it." I said.

"ugh.." Two-Bit groaned.

Pony stepped into the room and looked at Two-Bit.

"God, Two-Bit, you look messed up."

"What do you mean?" Two-Bit asked and ran his fingers through his rusty hair.

"Well, you have vomit on your shirt.." Pony muttered while motioning to Two-Bit's shirt.

"Aw man! Not on my favorite Mickey Mouse shirt!" Two-Bit exclaimed and pouted down at his shirt.

"Not to mention the fact you have a cut on your cheek.." Pony said while dragging his finger over the cut.

Two-Bit winced, "Damn, did I get jumped?"

"Most likely." Pony sighed.

"I probably shouldn't get black out drunk and then walk around.." Two-Bit muttered and touched his cheek.

"It would probably help if you stopped getting drunk all together." Pony stated coldly and walked to the living room.

"What's his deal?" Two-Bit muttered.

"You know how Pony is with you, he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Especially you." I said.

"Why me?"

"You're like his second best friend, people usually don't like to see their friends in the state you're in."

"Oh.." Two-Bit said and softly rubbed his cheek.

I stepped into the living room, "Pony, me and Steve have to go, have a good day at school!"

"Bye, Soda!" Pony exclaimed and smiled at me.

I stepped out of the house with Steve right behind me.

"You seemed lively this morning.." Steve muttered as I opened the gate.

"What do ya mean?" I asked.

"Usually when I try to even talk to you, you glare at me like I killed your entire family." Steve said while stepping through the gate.

"Oh, It's mostly because I like someone." I said and instantly regretted saying that to Steve.

"Oh, really?" Steve said while elbowing me in the ribs.

"Who is she? Is she pretty?" he asked, prodding me for answers.

"I'm not telling." I said, stubbornly and Steve groaned.

"Come on, give me some hints about her."

"How do you know they're a she?"

"Did Sandy hurting you cause you do become gay?"

"No." I stated.

I never thought of myself to be gay until he mentioned it. I guess since I'm with Pony, I am gay..and for some reason I felt comfortable with the title.

"Then, who is he then?" Steve asked.

"I-I can't tell you."

"Come on, I accept you for you, it's kinda weird but whatever." Steve said and I looked down to the sidewalk.

"I just can't tell you who it is.." I muttered and Steve sighed.

"Fine, I expected you to be stubborn." Steve said and yawned.

We walked to work, Steve bugged me all day about who I liked, even assuming it to be Dallas. I thought Dallas was attractive but he was too big of a jerk for me to deal with.

"Umm...is it..." Steve's eyes got wide, "is it one of your brothers?"

I felt my heart sink, I coughed.

"Oh my God!" Steve exclaimed in fake astonishment.

"I bet you like Pony that way!" Steve said, mocking me without even knowing he was.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't, I'm not telling." I answered and wished someone would walk in or pull up.

I saw someone pull up and I quickly went for the door, "I got it!" I called out.

"You can run, Sodapop Curtis, but I will find out!" Steve called out to me but I blocked him out as I went to help this customer.

I felt sick to my stomach, I knew Steve would find out. One way or another, he would find out. He knows if he annoys me enough I usually spit out what he wants me to say. I had to stay strong, for me and Pony's relationship.

I was about to walk out of the door when Steve jumped out at me.

"JESUS CHRIST, STEVE!" I screamed and jumped backwards, he laughed at me.

"Soda, come on! Tell me!" Steve begged me.

"I already said no two million times!" I exclaimed and tried to walk away, Steve wrapped his arms around me so I couldn't move.

"What's with you? You're acting like a teenage girl!" I uttered and squirmed.

"Am I gonna have to explain what best friends do?"  
Steve asked.

"Oh God.." I muttered.

"My bullshit becomes your bullshit, your bullshit becomes my bullshit. That's how it works!" Steve explained and held me tight.

"Is it Pony?" Steve asked.

I gulped, "Not telling."

Steve let me go, "Fine, but you know I'll find out someway."

"I've gotta get home, Steve. Bye!" I said, waving and stepping out.

I made my way home, a heavy cloud of anxiety hanging over me.

"I-I'm sure he's just exaggerating..I'm sure he thinks it's Two-Bit or maybe even himself." I said, trying to convince myself.

I walked into the house and sighed heavily, if he finds out, he finds out. I'll have to explain a lot of things and possibly even get sent to a psychiatrist but I think I'll be fine...I hope.

 _ **A/N: I'm seriously blown away by the attention this is getting, even in this early stage. Anyway, I need an opinion on something. I'm thinking of writing two fanfictions at one time. For example, I'll continue this but I would also have a second going. It's summer break for me and it would give me something to do.**_

 _ **Thank you for reading! :) I appreciate it!**_

 _ **A/N #2: I recently got a review on this fic calling me a dumbass because I said Soda was gay when the person said he was bisexual. I don't care if people share their opinions considering people have a right to them, but name calling is completely unnecessary. If you openly call me names, I will not hesitate to have you reported.**_


	5. Chapter 5: Avalanche

Chapter 5: Avalanche

I didn't feel good about today at all, not since Steve started bugging me about who I liked. I sighed heavily but then realized that I was home, alone, with Pony. I smiled but didn't see him on the couch; I felt confused but figured he was in the bedroom. Pony was sitting at the desk, scribbling away at a paper. I snuck up behind him, trying to be as quiet as I could be and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey!" I exclaimed and Pony jumped violently, I saw his pencil drag across his paper and make a long line.

"Soda! Look what you did!" Pony whined and sighed heavily; he grabbed his eraser and worked at the line.

"Sorry, I didn't mean too..." I muttered and softly kissed him on the cheek.

Pony sighed, "It's alright, I was almost done with this assignment anyway."

"Whatcha workin' on?" I asked and looked down at the desk.

"Science homework, you never liked Science..." Pony muttered and read the last question on his paper.

"I did too! What's the question?" I asked, hoping to seem smart for once.

"Do you know anything about physical Science?" Pony asked.

"Sure I do, now give me the question!"

"Okay, here it is, "Pony cleared his throat, "What is a physical property of matter?"

I sat there, confused and conflicted over what I just got asked. Pony was looking at me; I hoped he couldn't see the sweat forming on my forehead.

"T-The answer is...Umm..." I muttered and suddenly, my mind blanked.

"I...don't know..." I admitted.

Pony chuckled, "The answer is Shape, Soda."

"Oh..." I muttered and looked down in defeat.

Pony wrote down his answer and turned to me, "its okay, I still love you anyway..." Pony softly kissed me.

I returned the kiss and pulled away, smirking at him. Pony stood and sat on the bed, I took a seat next to him. Pony looked up at me and faintly smiled; I softly pressed my lips to his and crawled on top of him. Pony slowly circled his tongue over my lips and I happily opened my mouth to welcome his tongue. He softly licked my tongue as I licked his tongue in return, Pony moaned softly into the kiss. I pulled away and rested my forehead onto his. Pony gave me a weird look and placed his hands on my pants button, slowly undoing them.

"Pony, Darry might come home and I don't wanna get caught." I muttered and Pony pouted at me.

"Come on! I've felt tortured all day and now I can't even touch you!" Pony cried and

I thought for a moment, maybe I could at least let him play with me for a minute before Darry came home. I sighed heavily and smiled softly at him.

"Pony, you can play with me for a few minutes but no sex, that'll have to wait till later..." I muttered and Pony's eyes lit up.

I sat on the edge of the bed and Pony got in-between my legs, eagerly pulling down my zipper. I helped him pull my pants and boxers down some so he could pull out my shaft. Pony seemed to stare in awe at my length before kissing the tip. I blushed heavily and ran my fingers through his soft, light brown hair. Pony glanced up at me for a second; I looked into his beautiful, green eyes. Pony redirected his attention to my erection, slowly circling his tongue around my tip. I softly panted and continued to run my fingers through his hair. He flicked his tongue over the tip, causing me to groan.

"Ahh…Pony…" I moaned softly and panted.

Pony slid my length into his mouth, slowly pushing it inside until he gagged. He pulled it out and looked up at me; shame seemed to fill his eyes.

"What's the matter, Hun?" I asked softly and Pony slowly stroked me.

"I've been trying to train my gag reflex for you, but I didn't get it done yet..." Pony muttered and looked away from me.

"That'll take some practice, Pone; I promise you'll get there at some point." I muttered and Pony sighed.

"It needs to happen now." He stated and licked my tip once again.

I bit down on my bottom lip as he slid my length back inside of his mouth. Pony began to bob his head back and forth, I panted softly as he continued to pick up his speed.

"P-Pony, aahh…" I moaned and placed my hands on the back of his head, tangling my fingers with his hair.

Pony hummed softly on my cock and I whimpered, I brought one of my hands to my face and covered my mouth.

My state of ecstasy was ripped apart when I heard the door open and then shut. Pony heard too and quickly pulled my dick from his mouth, obviously upset someone had to interrupt. I fixed my pants and stood, looking down to make sure I looked proper enough. Pony wiped his mouth to remove any sort of evidence of what we were doing; he pecked me on the lips and walked out of the bedroom. I made my way to the living room and saw that Pony had taken a spot on the couch; I walked into the kitchen and saw Darry standing there.

"Hey, Dar," I muttered and opened the fridge door.

"Hey, did you have a good day today?" Darry asked while pulling some things from the cabinets.

"Meh, it was pretty slow today…and Steve kept bugging me all day..." I muttered.

"When is he not bugging you? If he could live here, he would, "Darry muttered and all I could do was agree with him.

"Today he was especially annoying, but I did give him a reason to be." I said while pulling out the jug of chocolate milk.

"Did you say something about your little crush?" Darry asked.

I groaned, "Yes, I made that horrible mistake," I grabbed a glass from the cupboard.

"Well, I'm curious too but I'm not annoying about things." Darry muttered and began to walk out of the kitchen.

I gulped; I hoped Darry never asked about anything like that. Darry has a way of getting information that he wants, he doesn't use threats or anything; he makes you trust him and so you expel everything to him. He could be a professional interrogator if he wanted to be one. I poured some chocolate milk into the glass and put the carton back in the fridge; I picked up my glass and made my way to the living room. I took a seat by Pony who was watching TV; he placed his eyes on me. I took a sip from my glass and Pony quickly stole it away from me. I looked over at Pony as he gulped down half of the glass.

"Hey! That was mine!" I exclaimed and stole it back from him.

"I was thirsty!" Pony grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm so getting you good later!" I muttered and quickly pecked him on the cheek.

"I look forward to it," Pony muttered and winked at me.

. . .

We had just finished up dinner and I and Pony were doing the dishes, like we always did. I flicked some of the water at him and he glared at me, flicking some water back at me. I chuckled softly and handed him the last plate, he rinsed it off. I pulled the drain from the sink and heard the gargle of the water going down the drain; I sat the drain stop on the side of the sink.

"Can we go to bed now?" Pony asked and slowly stepped closer to me.

I smiled, "Don't you need to shower?"

Pony groaned, "Fine. After that, we are going to bed." Pony stated and made his way out of the room.

I walked to the bedroom and saw Pony, collecting the things he needed for his shower. Pony glanced at me as he made his way to the doorway,

"I'll make this shower extra short for you, Soda..." Pony muttered and stepped out.

I changed my shirt into my usual sleep shirt and pulled off my jeans, I never liked sleeping with my jeans on. I saw someone in the doorway so I looked up, it was Darry.

"I'm going to bed early, work was draining today," Darry yawned, "make sure Pony gets to bed for me."

"Okay, can do," I smiled lightly, "goodnight Dar."

"Goodnight, Soda." Darry muttered and left the doorway.

I continued to wait for Pony to return from his shower, I looked over at the desk he was sitting at earlier. His Science book was sitting there, it made me curious and I also felt stupid. I couldn't answer a simple eighth grade science question, I was never good at school or anything related to it. I sighed heavily but Pony entering the room broke me out of my self-loathing. He closed the door behind him, smirking at me.

"I figured there was no point in getting dressed," Pony undid his towel and let it fall to the floor, "so I didn't."

I took in Pony's nude body, taking it in and saving the mental images. I wanted him so badly; he stepped to his desk and turned off the lamp. It was dark in the room now; the only light was the street lights that broke through. Pony slowly crawled onto the bed and deeply kissed me, I returned the kiss. I began to undress myself; I had to pull away when I slipped off my shirt. Pony looked into my eyes, smiling softly at me. I moved my hand over Pony's hip down to his member, I grasped it. Pony gasped as I began stroking him slowly, making him erect. I kissed him on the forehead as I stroked him faster, softly massaging his balls with my free hand.

"Sodaa..." Pony moaned, clawing at the blanket underneath us.

I placed my finger at his entrance and pushed inside of him, causing him to cry out in ecstasy. I pushed my finger in and out, slowly, teasing him to the best of my ability. Pony panted lightly as he pressed his lips to my neck, I thrusted my fingers faster into him. Pony moaned my name, placing his hands on my shoulders. I pulled my fingers from within him and crawled on top of Pony, placing my member at his entrance.

"Ready?" I asked, Pony softly kissed me and pulled away.

"I'm ready..." Pony whispered and smiled lightly at me.

I slowly pushed inside of Pony, moaning when I felt the inside of him. Pony gasped sharply and whimpered in pain. I shushed him and softly kissed him, he moaned into our kiss. I thrusted into him, slow, he wasn't quite used to it yet.

"You okay, Pony?" I asked, soothingly.

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine..." pony panted and whimpered.

I began to thrust harder into Pony, causing him to cry out in pleasure.

"Oh yes, Soda!" Pony practically yelled and I quickly covered his mouth.

"Pony, we gotta be quiet." I stated and Pony nodded.

I sighed and began to thrust again, going harder and faster into Pony. He clawed my back and wrapped his legs around my waist, moaning softly. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach but I pushed it away, being engulfed in the waves of pleasure I was feeling at that moment.

Suddenly, I heard the bedroom door open.

I froze and sat there for a moment, I looked down at Pony and he looked completely mortified. I shifted my head to look at the doorway and saw Darry standing there, his eyes were wide. I quickly got off of Pony and began to grab my boxers off the floor. Darry silently watched me but began walking away as I got my boxers fixed.

"Darry! Please, it's not what it looks like!" I called out and he stopped, he slowly turned to me.

"Leave me alone for a couple days; I need to sort things out..." Darry muttered.

I stared into his blue eyes, seeing the confusion within him. I wanted to soothe that confusion but I doubt he wants to listen to the person that was fucking his younger brother.

"B-But, Darry," I begged and placed my hand on his shoulder, he shrugged my hand off.

"I said, leave me alone." Darry said, sternly and walked back into his room.

I felt the tears sting my eyes, does this mean Pony and I are over? Did I fuck up this early? I took in a shaky breath and released, returning to the bedroom.

"S-Soda..." Pony sobbed and wiped his face.

"Shh, baby," I cooed and held him in my arms, softly kissing him on the head.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry..." Pony whispered and whimpered.

"No, Pony, this isn't your fault, "I moved his bangs from his eyes, "it was bound to happen at some point."

"D-Did he say anything?" Pony asked.

"He said not to talk to him for a couple days…" I muttered and sniffled softly.

"Does that mean we won't be leaving the house for a couple days?" Pony asked and wiped away the fresh tears that streamed down his face.

"Most likely," I kissed Pony softly, "come on, we better get some sleep."

"O-Okay," Pony muttered and crawled under the blanket, not bothering to get dressed.

I crawled under the blanket with Pony and brought him into a hug, humming a lullaby to him until he drifted off to sleep. I sat awake with Pony in my arms, listening to his soft breathing. I was anxious about what was to come and what Darry would do or say. Would I have to move back to my old room? Would I never be able to hold Pony like I was ever again? I whimpered and sobbed, I was so scared. I cried myself to sleep, just wanting everything to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6: Giving Reasons

Chapter 6: Giving Reason

The last couple of days were Hell, time seemed to roll by at a snail's pace. Darry didn't let me and Pony leave the house and he barely spoke to us. I had already decided I would take the blame for everything, no matter how much Pony protested and whined about it. Pony and I had an argument about it, we've been on the brink and could barely stand Darry's silence. I actually kind of wanted him to grab me by the shoulders and shake me, have him scream at me that I'm a sick monster. It would be better than his damn silent game he's playing.

We were on the second day, it was late, around ten o' clock. The house was eerily silent, signifying something was wrong. Darry would rarely leave his room even when he did leave he wouldn't look at me, he would glance at Pony though. Yesterday, I remember I completely flipped at Darry when he emerged from his room, Pony was sitting on the couch. I jumped in front of him, climbing over the coffee table from the couch. I don't remember if I was angry or just wanted him to say something to me, anything.

"Damn it, Darry, say something to me! Please!" I had begged, tears brimmed in my eyes.

"Soda, no, please don't-" Pony said but was cut off by me making a whimper.

"You hate me, don't you?" I asked, my tears fell down my face.

Darry stared at me, no emotion on his face but his eyes told a different story. His eyes were clouded by worry and an array of different emotions, he tried to walk past me but I stepped in front of him.

"Dar, say something! Do something! Call me names, hit me, talk to me, I'm begging you, please!" I yelled then fell to my knees, sobbing loudly.

Pony rushed over to me and knelt down, pulling me into his arms. Darry walked around us, I tried to tell him not to leave but it caught in my throat and sounded more like a loud cry.

"Sh, Soda, calm down," Pony cooed and ran his fingers through my hair.

I had noticed my breathing wasn't right but I couldn't fix it, I ended up passing out.

Right now, I was sitting on the couch by Pony. We were just sitting there, the TV was off, Pony wasn't lost in a book, none of the gang was here. We just waited for Darry to say something to us. I looked up at the doorway to us. I looked up at the doorway to the kitchen and saw Darry sticking his head in, looking at me and Pony.

"Both of you get in here," Darry said and moved form my sight.

Pony and I looked at each other, both of us were nervous and shocked. We quickly stood and made our way to the kitchen, Pony stayed behind me. Darry was sitting at the table, watching us take our chairs. I gulped and Pony held my hand under the table.

Darry cleared his throat, "I have no idea how to begin this conversation, so I'm just going to be blunt."

I wondered what his version of blunt was considering he wasn't in the best of moods. A million different scenarios played in my mind as I tried to hush them all.

"I walked in on you two having sex," Darry looked at the table, "anyone wanna try and explain why?"

Pony opened his mouth but I gave him a glare that made him shut it.

"We were doing it because we love each other," I paused and sighed, "we love each other more than brothers should."

Darry nodded and sat silent, he seemed to be thinking of his words carefully.

"When did this start?" Darry asked, staring at his hands.

"About a week ago," Pony retorted and I gave him an angry look. He slumped in his chair and looke to the floor in shame.

"Are you sure it wasn't curiosity?" Darry asked, hesitantly.

His question sent a sharp pang through my heart. I really cared about Pony and he cares about me.

"No, I really love Pony," I answered, Pony lightly smiled at my statement.

"What about you, Pony?" Darry motioned to Pony.

"I love Soda with all of my heart!" Pony exclaimed and squeezed my hand, causing me to blush.

Darry sat silently, twiddling his thumbs. He sighed and looked up from his hands.

"Look, I'm not gonna stop you guys considering there's no point. If I separate you, you'll ust sneak into each other's rooms and not to mention all the time you guys are alone together." Darry explained and I nodded, Pony sat still.

"All I ask is you don't do any of this in front of me," Darry muttered and Pony scoffed.

"So, I can't even kiss or hug my own boyfriend in front of you?" Pony asked and I slapped him on the back of the head.

"Just be happy he's not ripping us apart, Pony." I growled, softly and Pony nodded.

"Can you leave, Pony?" Darry asked and Pony looked at me.

He hesitantly stood up from his chair and planted a quick kiss on my lips, trying to be rebellious. He left the room, leaving me to be stared down by Darry.

"Soda, since you're the oldest in all of this, I want you to make sure Pony doesn't do something stupid." Darry muttered.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like, telling someone he shouldn't or being too handsy but those also apply to you."

"I won't let him do any of that, I figure he's smart enough to know not too." I said, hating how Darry was treating Pony like he was a kid.

"He is smart but you know how mouthy he can get," Darry said and I nodded in agreement.

"I know, I know. . " I muttered.

"Another thing is, don't do anything in front of the gang. They'll probably flip out on us if they knew." Darry said and motioned toward the doorway.

"That's about all I had to say, you can leave now," Darry muttered and I stood.

"Wait, Soda," Darry said and I turned to him.

"Hmm?" I hummed.

"I'm sorry for not talking to you in the past couple of days. I had to figure all this out and it wasn't easy. ." Darry muttered and looked at me, silently pleading for my forgiveness.

I smiled softly at him, "it's okay, Dar," I said and walked out of the room.

"Why does he treat me like I'm an idiot?" I heard Pony say and I jumped.

"Jesus, Pony, I thought you were in the bedroom," I had placed my right hand over my heart.

Pony sighed, "I'm just happy I get to stay with you, " he softly cooed.

"I'm happy too, Pone." I said with a soft smile.

I felt happy I could stay with Pony but a dark cloud stayed with me. I shrugged it off and hoped it was nothing. I hoped at least. . .


	7. Chapter 7: Bittersweet

Chapter 7: Bittersweet 

It's been two weeks since Darry laid down his rules and Pony and I have been following them well. We've only slipped up a couple times so far but the second slip wasn't my fault. The second time happened due to Pony pinching my butt while the gang was around.

"Pony, stop it!" I quietly scolded only to get a giggle from him.

"What?" Pony asked and pinched my rear again.

"Stop that!" I muttered and slapped his hand away.

"Why? Is it bothering you?" Pony teased and I scowled at him.

"Do it again, I dare you." I threatened and watched him.

Pony pinched me again and I grabbed his wrist. I looked around for anyone and saw all of the gang was in the kitchen. I dragged Pony into the hallway and pinned him.

"What are you going to do to me?" Pony asked, he had a smirk on his face.

"Whatever I deem is necessary." I muttered and kissed him softly.

Pony returned the kiss as I slipped my hands under his shirt. He shivered from my touch as I moved my hands to his chest. He gasped when I pinched his nipple; I pulled out of the kiss and smirked at him.

"N-No fair, you know I'm sensitive there!" Pony muttered and scowled at me.

"That's what you get for pinching my butt!" I retorted and rubbed his nipples.

Pony panted and whimpered from my touch, I licked his neck and softly bit down. He bit down on his lip and muffled his moans. I deeply kissed him as I pressed myself against him; Pony ran his fingers through my hair.

"What are you guys doing?" Darry asked, I quickly pulled my hands from underneath Pony's shirt and pulled away.

"U-Umm..." I muttered and coughed.

"The gang is in the other room, you guys are pushing it!" Darry warned and Pony groaned.

"Pony started it when he kept pinching my butt!" I whined and Pony glared at me.

"You pinched my nipple!" Pony exclaimed and Darry shushed him.

"Be quiet! Now, you guys either stop it or go to the bedroom!" Darry stated.

"Okay, Dar. I'm sorry." I apologized and glared at Pony.

"What? You have a cute butt." Pony muttered and walked into the living room.  
I sighed heavily and followed, think of a thousand different ways I could get him back later that night. I have to say, I think I did a good job at getting him back.

Anyway, It was late in the evening now and all of the gang was here again. Everyone was in the kitchen except me, Pony and Two-Bit. All three of us were sitting on the couch when Pony tapped me on the shoulder. I looked over at him and he was smirking at me.

"What?" I whispered, looking over at Two-Bit who was sitting on the other side of the couch.

"I'm having…urges..." Pony whispered and I blushed.

"Pony, really?" I asked and sighed.  
"Soda, please?" Pony begged.

"Ugh, fine, let's go take care of you." I muttered and stood, walking to our bedroom.

Pony was right behind me but I felt like Two-Bit was watching us leave which made me nervous. I closed the bedroom door behind us and turned to Pony, he was smirking at me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him, loving the feeling of his lips against mine. Pony returned the kiss and wrapped his arms around my neck, pressing his body against mine. I slid my hands down his waist to his hips, caressing them. Pony pulled out of the kiss and looked at me longingly, I smiled softly at him.

"I love you, Soda." Pony muttered and nuzzled me.

"I love you too, Pony." I muttered and softly kissed him on the neck.

Pony moaned as I slid my hands under his shirt, softly rubbing his sides. I licked his neck slowly up to his chin, causing him to gasp softly and pant.

"S-Soda..." Pony moaned and clawed my shirt.

"Hmm?" I hummed and left a soft kiss on his neck.

"I need you." Pony muttered and I left a soft kiss on his lips, slowly pushing him toward the bed.

I pushed Pony onto the bed and crawled on top of him. Pony shyly looked up at me as I unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, sliding my hand into his boxers. I grasped his member and slowly rubbed it, causing Pony to moan. I softly kissed him on the forehead and rubbed his erection faster. Pony panted heavily and whimpered,

"Soda!" Pony moaned as I softly kissed him.

I had a horrible feeling in my stomach but brushed it away so I could please Pony's needs. Pony was clawing at the bed sheets as he panted heavily.

"S-Soda, I'm gonna c-cum..." Pony panted and kissed me.

I smiled softly and kept jerking him off, quickening my pace as his panting quickened.

"Oh God, Soda!" Pony exclaimed and came, all over my hand.

Right as Pony had his orgasm, I heard the bedroom door open. I froze and looked back at the door and saw Two-Bit standing there. His grey eyes were wide as he looked over me and Pony.

"Two-Bit, it's not what it looks like!" I exclaimed and ripped my hand from Pony's pants, wiping his cum off on my pants.

"Then what is it?!" Two-Bit exclaimed and backed away from the doorway.  
I jumped off the bed and walked toward him, "Two-Bit, please, listen to me!" I begged and he shook his head.

"No…this..this is wrong.." Two-Bit muttered and slowly backed away from me.

"Two-Bit, I'm serious, I can explain everything if you give me a moment." I muttered and Two-Bit shook his head once again.

"You sick fucker!" Two-Bit yelled and ran toward the kitchen.

"Keith!" I yelled and ran after him, completely horrified.

Everyone was staring at me and Two-Bit. Two-Bit opened his mouth but I tackled him, "No, Keith, please!" I begged and he pushed me off and stood up.

"Darrel Curtis, do you have any idea what your brother's are doing?!" Two-Bit screamed and pointed at me.

I scanned the room and saw everyone's eyes were on me, I gulped. Darry stepped up to Two-Bit and I saw Pony was standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"What do you mean, Keith?" Darry asked, looking directly into Two-Bit's eyes.

"I walked in on them doing…God; it makes me sick just to remember!" Two-Bit yelled and I went to Pony's side.

"Well, you're going to have to explain to me what you saw." Darry muttered, he was strangely calm.

"Soda had his hand shoved in Pony's pants!" Two-Bit said and retched.

Everyone looked over at me and Pony; Dallas seemed more confused rather than angry. Everyone seemed more confused over than being disgusted or upset.

Darry nodded, "I know what they're doing, Keith."

"Then how can you let them do this?!" Two-Bit exclaimed and Pony whimpered.

I looked over at Pony, "shh, Pony, it's okay." I whispered and hugged him.

"It's none of my business; I told them that they could do this as long as it wasn't in front of me or you guys." Darry explained and Two-Bit looked offended.

"Don't tell me you're a part of this!" Two-Bit said as he slightly backed away from Darry.

"What? No, I'm not." Darry defended and Pony sobbed into my chest.

Darry looked over at Pony and looked back at Two-Bit, "Keith, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"What?"Two-Bit asked, shocked.

"You're upsetting my brothers and I don't like it. Leave my house." Darry demanded.

"I'm upsetting them?" Two-Bit laughed, "Why aren't you upset about what they're doing?"

"I told you why. Now, get out of my house." Darry demanded once again.

Two-Bit looked over at me and Pony, seething hatred were in his eyes. I shivered from his stare and held Pony close to me, he was sobbing into my chest. Two-Bit focused on Pony, his eyes softened.

"Pony, come on, look at me..." he begged and Pony slowly looked up at Two-Bit, sniffling.

"I've got a question." Two-Bit stated and Pony nodded, slowly.

"How do you know he's not just using you?" Two-Bit asked and his question infuriated me.  
"Get out." I demanded and he looked at me in shock.

"What?" he asked.

"I said get out! How dare you accuse me of using Pony?" I screamed and let go of Pony.

I stomped over to Two-Bit and pushed him toward the front door, "get out!"

Two-Bit growled at me and walked toward the front door, violently opening while glancing over at me.

"This doesn't change you're a sick fuck!" Two-Bit yelled and ran out of the house, slamming the door extra hard and caused a picture frame to fall off the wall.

Johnny seemed to flinch extra hard at the slamming of the door but then focused on Pony. Pony was trying to hide his tears from everyone but then he ran out of the room. I sighed heavily and looked over at Darry, "I'm going to go help him."

Darry nodded and I left the room, making my way to the bedroom. Pony was laying face down on the bed, sobbing heavily into a pillow. I slowly approached him and sat on the bed, he looked up at me.

"S-Soda.." he whimpered and hugged me, sobbing into the nape of my neck.

My heart broke from seeing Pony so upset though I couldn't blame him. Two-Bit is like his second best friend and this happened to him, I sighed. Pony sat by me on the bed and wiped his eyes, softly sniffling.

"Soda..?" Pony asked.

"Yeah?" I asked and softly ran my hand over his cheek.

"I-I love you no matter what anyone in the gang says, you mean so much to me a-and if I have to lose Two-Bit then I lose him." Pony said and kissed me.

"Pony, I love you too but you shouldn't lose friends over me..." I muttered.

Darry walked into the room and I looked over at him, Pony stared down at the bed.

"Did everyone leave?" I asked, sure that everyone had abandoned us.

"No, everyone's still here." Darry said and I felt amazed.

"Really?" Pony said, completely astonished.

"Yeah, they only want to ask some questions." Darry muttered and I sighed heavily, feeling some slight relief.

"I told them to wait till some other time, you guys need some time to yourselves," Darry smiled softly at us.

"You guys better get some sleep; I'll make sure no one messes with you." Darry muttered, soothingly.

I nodded and smiled at him, "thank you, Dar."

"No problem." Darry said and closed the door.

Pony hugged me tightly and I returned the hug. I smiled and yawned.

"You tired?" Pony asked and I nodded.

"We better get to sleep like Darry said," Pony kicked off his shoes.

"Yeah..." I whispered and kicked off my shoes and took off my jeans.

Pony crawled under the blanket and I went to switch off the light, I walked back to the bed and crawled under the blanket. I brought Pony into a hug and left a kiss on his head, he giggled.

"I love you, Pony." I whispered and ran my fingers through his hair.

"I love you too, Soda...forever..." Pony whispered and closed his eyes.

I sat awake for a moment, holding Pony in my arms. I thought about how Two-Bit reacted and thought of what he's going to do now. I sighed softly, I felt like I lost a friend and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I wasn't going to give up my love for Pony, it wasn't worth it. I slowly shut my eyes, slowly drifting off to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8: Do Your Worst

Chapter 8: Do Your Worst

Two-Bit has stayed clear of us for a couple weeks, I hadn't seen much of him since he lost his mind on us. I occasionally saw him around the DX but he never entered. I was thankful he never did enter because I don't think I could have forced myself to be nice to him right now. I was rather angry at him for what he accused me of doing, I would never use Pony. I couldn't think of a proper reason why Two-Bit would be so upset over all this other than the fact it was incest. I didn't expect the gang to just accept it like it was nothing, it was obviously a big deal.

I only had one close encounter with Two-Bit recently and it was not pleasant. I remember I had just walked into the house from work and I saw him there, on the couch. Pony was sitting on the farthest side of the couch from Two-Bit, he looked at me with his eyes full of nervousness. I knew I couldn't just kick Two-Bit out of the house, it just didn't seem right to me. I let him stay there but I could not stand being in the same room as him. I stepped into the kitchen to get a glass of chocolate milk, I saw that Two-Bit had followed me.

 _Oh, God, please leave now._

I mentally begged but sadly, he didn't leave me alone. I turned around and he was right in my face. I jumped backward and held onto the counter.

"Jesus Christ, Two-Bit!" I exclaimed and tried to walk past him.

Two-Bit grabbed my arm, preventing me to walk away. I panicked and tried to pull away from him. I knew I probably didn't have much of a chance against Two-Bit, he was only two inches taller than me but he was bigger than me in terms of build. He kept his grip on my arm tight and pulled me close to his face with his other hand. I felt my heart begin to beat heavily in my chest as his nose touched mine.

"You know, Soda, I don't know how the fuck you can like your own brother the way you do." Two-Bit muttered and his grip tightened.

I whimpered but tried to keep it quiet so he wouldn't try to hurt me.

"I don't think I could ever understand," Two-Bit slightly pulled away from my face, "but I wonder if there is a way to fix you at all."

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. How can you fix something that wasn't broken? I silently wondered how he could fix me or whatever he wanted to do to try and fix me.

 _Please, don't hurt me._

I was silently panicking when Two-Bit crashed his lips to mine. I sat still, unsure of what to do. Was this how he was going to fix me? Well, it did make sense in some way considering he wasn't related to me. I was confused now though, does Two-Bit like me or does he really want to try and fix me? He pulled away from me and I silently stared into his grey eyes, completely frozen in my place.

"I also wonder if I could fix you myself?" Two-Bit murmured and began to run his hand down my body.

I shivered and began to try and pull away.

"T-Two-Bit, get off me!" I cried and he pinned me to the counter.

"So, you don't want to be fixed?" He asked, everything around me was fading and my mind forced me to concentrate on him.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" I exclaimed and whimpered as he forced his lips onto my neck.

"You like your brother in a romantic way and you don't think that's wrong?" He asked, nuzzling my neck.

I was silent, it was wrong that I was with Pony but there wasn't anything wrong with me. My mind clouded and I was so confused. He kept trying to touch me inappropriately and I slapped his hand away with my free hand.

"Two-Bit, please stop!" I begged and pushed him, not even getting him to budge.

"Please, Soda, let me fix you." Two-Bit murmured, his voice was in a mock soothing tone that made me want to throw up.

"I don't need to be fixed! Let me go!" I begged and hoped Pony would come in. I'm not sure what Pony could do for me but at least he would see what was happening.

"What are you doing?!" I heard a voice yell and Two-Bit turned his head toward the voice.

I think I had began to cry as Two-Bit turned toward the voice, I couldn't even tell who it was. All of a sudden, Two-Bit was ripped off of me. I was glad that I was free from him but wondered who was the one who helped me. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked over. I was surprised to see the blond hair and the pale skin.

"D-Dallas?" I mumbled, softly sniffling.

Dallas had Two-Bit pinned against the wall, scowling at Two-Bit. I still wanted to help Two-Bit considering Dallas might kill him and I didn't want to have a murder happen in our kitchen. The heavy anger in Dallas's blue eyes made me shiver and I wasn't even the one he was looking at. Two-Bit had the nerve to stare back into those cold eyes, somehow not showing obvious signs of fear.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, Keith," Dallas growled, "but you definitely do not need to force yourself onto Soda."

Two-Bit chuckled, I felt mocked.

"Come on, Dallas, I was just tryin' to fix him." Two-Bit defended, his voice calm.

"Fix him how? By traumatizing him?" Dallas asked, obviously not pleased with what Two-Bit had uttered.

"No, by having him be with someone he's not related to." Two-Bit said, a twisted smile on his face.

I looked over at the kitchen door way and saw Pony standing there, he began walking toward me. Pony hugged me and I held him in my arms, shaking slightly.

"Listen, I don't give a shit what you think about their relationship but it's none of your business." Dallas said, I was surprised to hear him defend me and Pony.

"I don't know why it doesn't bother you guys! It's sickening!" Two-Bit exclaimed.

"It doesn't bother us because what they do behind closed doors isn't any of our concern." Dallas retorted.

Two-Bit scoffed and rolled his eyes, "can you let me go?"

"Only if you leave Soda and Pony alone." Dallas muttered.

"I've got a quick question for them though.." Two-Bit said and seemed to falter.

"Then ask it, if it's cruel then I throw you out the door myself." Dallas said, I knew to take his threat literally.

"Fine. It's for Pony." Two-Bit said and Pony looked over at Two-Bit, slightly weary from what question it would be this time.

Dallas unpinned Two-Bit from the wall and watched him like a hawk watches it's prey.

"Pony, how do you know Soda's not just using you for sex?" Two-Bit asked.

Dallas began to go and grab Two-Bit but Pony motioned for him to stop.

"What do you mean?" Pony asked, his voice calm.

"I mean, Soda is a seventeen year old man and they have..urges. Sometimes they do anything to get sexual satisfaction.." Two-Bit explained.

"I'm not some animal like you, Keith." I defended and Two-Bit glared at me.

"What I mean is, he could be using you." Two-Bit said.

Pony shook his head, "Soda would never use me like that. You may have a problem with what we are but you're just going to have to shove it."

I was shock to hear Pony speak in such a way and Two-Bit was caught off guard as well.

"I love Soda and I have for a long time. I love you too Two-Bit, as a friend but if you can't accept me," Pony motioned toward the front door, "get out."

Two-Bit stared at Pony, no anger was in his eyes but there was sadness.

"P-Pony, no-" Two-Bit said but was cut off.

"No, Keith. I said get out." Pony stated once again.

Two-Bit stared at Pony for a few moments before making his way toward the front door. He didn't slam the door this time, he just let it slide shut behind him.

I was definitely shocked to hear Pony speak in such a way and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to do. He looked up at me with some tears in his eyes, "I love you, Soda." He muttered.

"I love you too, Pony.." I said back and softly kissed him, not caring if Dallas saw.

That was not what kind of encounter I would like to have with Two-Bit, I still get shivers from remembering how he touched me that day. RIght now, I was finishing a piece of chocolate cake. I turned to walk to the living room when I saw Dallas looking at me in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Hey, Soda, can you talk for a minute?" Dallas asked.

I nod, "sure."

"You don't mind that I took you for a ride, do you?" He asked.

I shook my head, "no, I don't mind."

He smiled, "good," he said and walked toward the front door.

I followed him and looked over at Darry, he was sitting in his chair.

"Darry, I'm going with Dallas for a bit." I said and Darry simply nodded.

Dallas had already left the house so I walked outside and saw him waiting by his car. I approached the car as he went to get into the drivers seat, I opened the door and sat in the seat. I took in a deep breath only to be welcomed with the smell of heavy cigarette smoke and alcohol. I scrunched my face up and shut my door, making sure not to slam it. Dallas started the car and drove away from the house. I sat silent, waiting for Dallas to say something. Dallas cleared his throat and I looked over at him.

"I've got a couple questions about you and Pony." Dallas muttered and glanced over at me.

I nodded, "go ahead and ask them."

"I just want you to know, they're not like Two-Bit's. I know I'm a jerk but I'm not that big of a jerk." Dallas said and pulled out his pack of cigarettes.

"I wouldn't expect you to be an asshole like Two-Bit." I muttered and Dallas chuckled, placing a cigarette in between his lips.

Dallas lit up his cigarette and rolled down his window as well. He took a drag and blew out the smoke.

"Why do you like Pony like that?" Dallas asked and I sighed.

"I have no idea, I just like to be around him and being able to love him the way I do makes me more than happy." I answered, smiling softly from the thought of Pony being in my arms.

"Do you ever wish you guys weren't brothers?"

I sat still for a moment, "yeah, sometimes I do but that wouldn't help anything."

"Why is that?" Dallas asked while blowing out more smoke.

"Well, no one likes gays.." I muttered, sadly.

"Shit, those people run rampant in New York." Dallas said and chuckled.

"But this isn't New York." I replied.

"I know, I know. You guys got a lot of..God or whatever he likes to be called."

"You don't believe in God?" I asked, slightly dumbfounded.

Dallas shrugged, "never really learned about him."

"Oh, we grew up going to church." I muttered.

"There aren't many churches in New York, at least not where I was."

I remembered where Dallas had been in New York, the rough part. I didn't like to think about it that much since it sounded so scary.

"Ever wonder why Two-Bit has such a big issue with you and Pony?" Dallas asked.

"I have and can never find a plausible reason." I admitted.

"Well, he has a kid sister that's seven years younger than him. I figure he doesn't understand because he can't love his sister that way." Dallas explained.

I nodded and thought it was a pretty good theory.

"That makes sense, but it's weird how he tried to 'cure' me."

"With Two-Bit, who knows what's going on in his head." Dallas laughed.

I giggled, "yeah, that's true."

We were silent for a few moments, I thought it was weird that I was talking to Dallas Winston like this. I never thought of him to be able to talk about anything serious without chocking someone out.

"Hey, Dallas.." I muttered.

"Hmm?" He hummed.

"Thanks for being so nice." I complimented.

Dallas smiled, "no problem, Soda."

We were quiet for the rest of the drive back to the house, something didn't feel right to me. Dallas stopped the car to let me out,

"You not coming back in?" I asked while getting out.

"Nah, I've got some other things to do." Dallas said.

"Oh, okay. Bye!"

"Bye, Soda."

I closed the car door and started up the sidewalk, the horrible feeling I had intensified with every step I took to the house. I pulled open the screen door then the front door, stepping into the house. I saw Darry silently sitting in his chair, he looked at me anxiously.

"What's wrong, Dar?" I asked while shutting the front door behind me.

"Child Protective Services called." He said, his tone serious.

My heart dropped to my feet as I turned to him in shock.

"W-What did they say?" I asked, nervous.

"They heard about the entire incest thing.." Darry muttered.

"T-They know?" I stuttered.

"They don't know exactly but they got a claim of it."

I thought of who it could've been and instantly thought of a certain redhead.

"Two-Bit has gone too far with this!" I growled.

Darry sighed, "I know, Soda, they want to talk to us. Mainly to you and Pony though."

"W-What do I say?" I asked.

"Lie if you have to. I'll be damned if Keith get's you and Pony taken away from me." Darry said, furious.

"O-Okay, Dar.." I whispered.

I was completely terrified of Child Protective Services, they always had their eyes on us anyway. I hoped I could lie my way through this, I didn't want to be taken away from Darry or Pony. I sighed heavily and whimpered, I was so worried.


	9. Chapter 9: Pieces

Chapter 9: Pieces

Stress really sucks to have, especially when you have to deal with it for a week. I don't know why CPS made the interview so far away but now I have to be close to death for a week. I hate it so much and I can tell it's wearing on Darry and Pony too. I've noticed Pony being extremely weary of me recently. He seems more doubtful when he hugs me, kisses me or any other thing that involves me. It makes me nervous that he's doubting our relationship and I bet it has something to do with what Two-Bit said to him. I don't know why Two-Bit would think I would use Pony, I love and care about him too much to ever hurt him. I was walking toward the dining room when I heard Pony's voice say something involving me, I froze and stood outside the doorway.

"Come on, Johnny, tell me what you think!" Pony whined.

I peeked into the kitchen and saw Johnny awkwardly squirming in his chair, he was staring at the table.

"I don't think I understand what you mean, Pone." Johnny muttered.

"Do you think Soda would use me, you know, for sex?" Pony asked.

I felt my heart break in my chest, why would Pony feel like I would use him? I don't understand. He's my brother and my lover, I would never even think about using him.

"No, I don't think Soda has it in him to hurt you like that, especially after what Sandy did to him." Johnny said, his voice was quiet.

Pony winced and I shivered from the mere mention of _her._ I composed myself and continued to peer into the room, I saw Pony staring down at the table.

"Are you asking that because of what Two-Bit said?" Johnny asked.

Pony nodded, "it makes sense, I am fifteen and people my age are easy to take advantage of." Pony explained.

"I guess so, but I still don't think Soda would use you." Johnny said and shrugged.

"I don't know, Soda is seventeen and I've seen people his age use people my age.." Pony muttered and sighed.

Johnny pulled out his pack of cigarettes and pulled one out.

"Pony, I promise that Soda wouldn't do that. You out of all people should know how Soda works." Johnny muttered and put the cigarette between his lips, using his lighter to light it up.

"I don't know why I'm talking to you about this because you're only two years older than me." Pony said.

"What does that mean?" Johnny asked, shyly and held his cigarette in between his fingers.

"Well, you can be easily taken advantage of too.." Pony said, nervously.

Johnny shrugged, "I guess so."

"Thanks for letting me ask you though, it means a lot." Pony said with a smile.

Johnny smiled back, "no problem, Pone."

Pony stood up from his seat and walked toward the doorway. I pulled away and stood outside, waiting for Pony. He walked through the doorway and saw me, he jumped.

"S-Soda, how long have you been standing there?" Pony asked, his cheeks became a lovely shade of red.

"Do you really think I would use you?" I asked, my voice cracked mid-sentence.

"N-No, I was just wondering-" Pony muttered but I cut him off.

"Pony, I would never use you, ever! I love you so much and I hate that you're doubting what we are!" I cried and tried to hold back my sobs.

"Soda, please, don't cry.." Pony whimpered and let a tear slide down his cheek.

I pulled Pony into my arms and held him, not ever wanting to let go. Pony sobbed into my chest, I was still trying not to cry.

"Pony, I'll love you no matter what anyone says. I've loved you for so long and I don't want that taken away from me..please, don't doubt me, please." I begged and sobbed, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"I love you, Soda, but what Two-Bit said was plausible.." Pony mumbled and sniffled.

I hated Two-Bit so much for putting this into Pony's head, I wanted to yell at Two-Bit and show him what he's done to me and Pony.

"Pony, every time I kiss you, I mean it," I put a finger under his chin and pulled his head up, planting a kiss on his lips.

I pulled away, "every time I hold you in my arms, I mean it." I held him close to my chest.

"S-Soda.." Pony stuttered and rubbed his face against my chest.

"Every time we make love, I mean it." I said and Pony looked up at me, blushing.

"R-Really?" Pony asked, I wiped away a tear that rolled down his face.

"I don't ever want to hurt you and if I ever have, I'm sorry..I'm so sorry.." I said and sniffled.

"Don't cry anymore, Soda." Pony muttered.

"Only if you don't." I said.

"Fine." Pony laughed and smiled up at me.

"Are you nervous about the interview?" I asked and Pony nodded, slowly.

"Do you think we can lie our way out of this?" Pony asked, nervously.

"I really hate to lie to anyone but I don't wanna lose you or Darry."

"I don't want to get caught in the lie, then it just makes it look worse."

"I know, Pony, I know.." I muttered and kissed him on the top of his head, "we'll make it."

"I hope we do." Pony muttered and sighed heavily.

. . .

Today was the day of the interview and I felt like I was going to die from the panic I felt in the pit of my stomach. Me and Pony were sitting in our room, waiting for the people from CPS to arrive. I couldn't keep still and Pony noticed me squirming around. He grabbed my hand and held it, I looked over at him.

"Are you nervous?" I asked.

Pony nodded, "I am but you're shaking.."

I didn't notice that and I looked at my free hand, it was shaking. I sat it down on my leg and sighed. Pony kissed me on the cheek and squeezed my hand.

"It'll be alright." He murmured and softly kissed me.

I returned the kiss and he slowly crawled onto my lap, he slowly licked my lips. I shyly opened my mouth and he slipped his tongue inside. I moaned and slowly licked his tongue, causing Pony to moan into our kiss. He slid his hand down to my pants button and I blushed, I grabbed his wrist.

"Pony, we better not.." I muttered.

Pony groaned and crawled off my lap, he pouted next to me.

"I'm sorry but we really shouldn't risk getting caught whats so ever." I said, my tone was sad.

"I'll get you later.." Pony whispered and sighed.

 _If we don't get ripped away from each other by the CPS._

I pushed that thought from my mind and tried to think of the positives and a few different ways I could lie my way out of this. I looked up at the bedroom door and saw Darry standing there, I felt my heart sink in my chest.

"They're here, come on." Darry said, he sounded extremely nervous.

Pony looked at me, the panic in his eyes was very obvious. I gulped and stood, Pony stood beside me and hugged me. I hugged him back and sighed heavily.

"I love you, Soda.." Pony whispered.

"I love you too, Pony." I whispered back and Pony let me go.

"O-Okay, let's go." Pony muttered and walked out of the bedroom.

I slowly followed Pony to the living room and stood beside him by the kitchen doorway. Pony was standing straight, something he rarely does. He's usually slouched forward. I noticed he looked so grown up standing there next to me, it was really strange seeing him look that way. Pony looked over at me and smiled softly, I blushed and looked away. There was a knock at the front door and Darry quickly went to open the door. I didn't want these people in the house but I guess it won't be that bad if they're here for just an hour or so. Two men walked in and I felt immediately intimidated. They were tall men with their hair slicked back and they were both wearing white button up shirts. I looked over at Darry and noticed even he looked a little intimidated though he tried to hide it.

"Are you the one who has custody of...umm," the man with blond hair looked at the paper on his clipboard and furrowed his brow, "Sodapop and Ponyboy Curtis?" He asked, looking over at Darry.

Darry nodded, "Yes, I have custody of them"

The man that asked Darry that question had dark brown eyes, the other had brown hair and brown eyes. The one with blond hair extended his hand to Darry,

"I'm Kyle Micheals, I'll be interviewing Soda." He said and Darry very slowly took his hand and shook it.

"Nice to meet you, Kyle." Darry said, seeming to try and hide his disdain toward Kyle.

"This is Adam Brighton, he'll be interviewing Ponyboy." Kyle said and motioned toward Adam.

Adam smiled and just waved at Pony, he just looked at Adam.

"Hi." Pony said, coldly.

"Do you guys have an extra room for us to interview them separate?" Kyle asked.

Darry nodded, "you can use one of the bedrooms." Darry said while motioning toward the hallway.

"Alright, Sodapop, can you come with me?" Kyle asked.

I gulped and glanced at Pony, he gave me a worried look but quickly looked away. I didn't want to look at him too much in front of these people, they might get suspicious. I walked down our small hallway and lead Kyle into me and Pony's shared bedroom.

 _Oh God, what if they think me sharing a room with Pony is weird?_

I gulped but tried to keep it quiet, I sat on the bed and Kyle sat right next to me.

"Alright, Sodapop, I'm going to ask you some questions and I only ask you answer them truthfully." Kyle said while placing his clipboard on his lap.

I nodded, "I can do that."

He pulled a pen from his left breast pocket and scribbled down my name.

"Okay, tell me who all live here." He asked.

I silently wondered if he just meant me, Pony and Darry because the gang practically lives here too. I decided to give them just us three.

"Me, Pony and Darry are the ones that live here." I answered, I kept my eyes down on my lap and watched while I picked at my cuticles.

"Does anyone else occasionally occupy this house?" Kyle questioned, writing down Pony and Darry's names.

"Do you really want me to name all of them?" I asked.

Kyle looked over at me and raised an eyebrow, "how many people come around here?"

"Four other people occasionally stay here." I answered.

"Give me there names." Kyle said while reverting his eyes to his paper.

"Keith Matthews," I winced from saying his name, "Steve Randle, Johnny Cade and Dallas Winston." I muttered.

"Oh, Dallas...I've had to deal with him before, he's an angry one." Kyle said and chuckled.

"Yeah, he's a pretty angry person." I said with a small smile.

"I remember we had to deal with him a few years back, he told me to fuck off and to die in a hole." Kyle said while writing down all their names.

That definitely sounded like something Dallas would say to someone, especially if they were trying to help him.

"Okay, now, how would you describe your relationship with you're older brother?" He asked,

I shrugged, "I would say we're pretty close." I said but then remembered even _that_ probably sounded suspicious.

"What do you mean by 'close'?" Kyle asked while scribbling something down.

"I mean, I can talk to him about anything and he listens." I quickly answered.

"Alright, how old is he?" He asked.

"He's twenty." I answered.

"Why does he have custody of you and Pony?" Kyle asked while writing down Darry's age.

That question hit an extremely personal chord in me but I pushed that aside.

"Our parents died in a wreck about a year ago.." I muttered.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." Kyle said, his tone seemed to have some actual sympathy in it.

Kyle sat silent for a moment, seeming to be thinking of another question he had to ask.

"How old is Ponyboy?" he asked.

"He's fifteen." I answered, I felt nervous now that we were on the subject of Pony.

"How would you describe your relationship with Ponyboy?" Kyle asked and looked up at me.

I felt my heart start to beat faster. I was so nervous and I hoped I wasn't showing it on my face.

 _Forget all the times you and Pony kissed, forget those times you guys held hands and forget every time you and Pony had sex together._

"I would say we're pretty close.." I muttered.

"What exactly does that mean?" Kyle asked, seeming to be extra determined.

"We're close like I am with Darry, I can talk to him about anything." I quickly said, not wanting to say anything more about Pony.

"Okay..." Kyle muttered and wrote down all that I said.

"So, nothing else between you two has happened?" He asked.

I shook my head, "we're brothers, we do brother things like wrestle around and sometimes argue."

"Do you and Ponyboy share a bedroom?" Kyle asked.

I nodded, "yes, we do."

"Why is that?" He asked.

"Well, after our parents died, Pony kept having these awful nightmares and I moved into the same room to give him comfort." I answered and he wrote what I said down.

Kyle nodded and wrote even that down, I wondered what he was going to do with that piece of paper after he left.

"Well, to be honest, it doesn't sound like anything is happening here that needs to be taken care of." Kyle said with a smile.

"Why were you here?" I asked, trying to play dumb with him.

"Do you really want to know?" He asked, he cocked an eyebrow at me.

I knew why but now I had to act disgusted when he told me, I prepared myself.

"We got a report that you and Pony were having a sexual relationship with each other." Kyle said.

I scrunched my face up and looked at him like he was crazy.

"Who would someone say such a thing? Pony is my brother, that's sick!" I exclaimed, hating to say such a thing about our relationship.

"I can't tell you who it was, privacy and all." Kyle muttered.

"That's alright, it's still sick of them to do." I said, pretending to be upset.

Kyle stood, "let's go see if Pony and Adam are done." he said and walked out of the room.

I couldn't believe it, I lied my way out of it! I hoped Pony did a good job at lying too. I stood up and walked into the living room, Pony was sitting on the couch and Darry wasn't in the room, so weren't Kyle and Adam.

"Where did they go?" I asked.

Pony motioned toward the dining room and I nodded, I sat down by Pony.

"How did your interview go?" I asked, making sure to whisper.

"Went pretty good, he said that he didn't see anything wrong" Pony whispered back.

"That's good, mine said the same thing." I muttered.

"Then we talked about our favorite books and movies, he was a pretty cool guy." Pony said and went to pull out his pack of cigarettes.

"I don't think you should smoke while those guys are here." I warned.

Pony looked at me like I was crazy, "why not? I think I deserve a smoke after that!" Pony whispered, it sounded more like a yell in a whisper form.

"Fifteen year olds usually don't smoke." I said.

Pony groaned and pouted, his bottom lip was slightly stuck out.

"I'm sorry, you can when they leave, I promise." I said while placing my hand on his thigh.

Pony smirked, "alright."

Darry, Adam and Kyle all entered the room again and I ripped my hand away from Pony's thigh, thankful that Kyle nor Adam saw.

"We're sorry we had to disturb you people, we both don't see anything wrong here." Adam said to us all.

"We'll be on our way, thank you for your time." Kyle said.

Darry opened the front door and held open the screen door for them, "have a good day." Darry muttered.

Kyle and Adam stepped out of the house and walked down the sidewalk, Darry shut both of the doors.

"Are we in the clear?" I asked and saw Pony rip his pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

Darry nodded but seemed pretty upset about something.

"What's wrong, Dar?" I asked.

"You guys, that was too close of a call...I'm sorry but I think you and Pony better stop." Darry said.

I felt my stomach drop to the floor and felt the tears instantly well up in my eyes. He wouldn't take Pony away from me, would he?

"D-Darry, no!" I begged.

"I'm sorry, Soda but that was way too close." Darry said, his voice calm.

Pony instantly dropped his cigarette, it wasn't even lit yet.

"Darry, please don't make us stop! I love Soda so much!" Pony whined and sobbed.

Darry had tears in his eyes, he hates seeing us to upset but knew he had to stand his ground.

"I-I'm sorry, Soda, I'm going to get you help," Darry sobbed, "I'm so sorry.." Darry walked to his bedroom.

I began to sob heavily and loudly, I didn't want to stop loving Pony. I looked over at him and he instantly wrapped his arms around my neck. He sobbed into the nape of my neck and I held him close to me, I didn't want to lose him. I felt my heart break with every sob that passed Pony's lips, why did this have to happen?

"S-Soda," Pony panted out, "I love you, I don't wanna lose you, I don't wanna!" Pony screamed and sobbed even more.

"I-I love you so much, Pony.." I cried and pulled him back some.

"Soda.." Pony panted, his sobs were making it hard for him to breath properly.

I crashed my lips to his and shoved my tongue into his mouth, kissing him deeper than I ever have before. Pony moaned heavily into our kiss and licked around my mouth, causing me to moan. I ripped away from him, panting heavily. Pony was panting as well and wiped away the saliva that kept our lips connected. I wanted to take him, I knew it would probably be the last time. Pony looked at me longingly and slid his hand down to my pants button. I picked him up bridal style and carried him into our shared bedroom. I sat him down onto the bed and walked to the door, shutting it and locking it.

"S-Soda.." Pony panted desperately.

I quickly walked to the bed and crawled on top of Pony, I quickly undid his pants and almost broke the zipper on his jeans. I ripped his jeans and boxers off of him and grasped his already erect member. Pony mewled and looked up at me. I moved down and slowly licked the tip of his dick causing Pony to moan loudly. I didn't even care if Darry heard him, I just wanted to show him how much I loved him. I took his member into my mouth and quickly bobbed my head back and forth, Pony screamed.

"Soda!" Pony cried and tangled his slender fingers into my hair.

I softly moaned on his cock, he shivered and writhed underneath me.

"Ahhh.." Pony moaned and tightly clenched my hair in between his fingers.

I pulled his member from my mouth and panted, I quickly crawled up and pressed my lips to his neck. Pony whimpered and pulled at my shirt. I took this as a indication to remove my clothes but I didn't want to remove all of our clothes.

"Pony, I think we better keep our shirts on." I said and Pony nodded.

I didn't want to feel his warm skin against mine, I would just miss it even more than I already would. I sat up and unbuttoned my pants and unzipped them. I quickly pulled them off and got back on top of Pony, I placed my member at his entrance.

"Ready?" I asked, my tone desperate.

Pony nodded quickly, "please, Soda!" Pony cried.

I pushed inside and moaned as I thrust in and out. Why did it feel so much better this time? Pony moaned as I entered him and whimpered as I thrust into him.

"S-Soda!" Pony exclaimed as I began slamming into him.

"Pony!" I cried and placed my hands on his hips, keeping him in place.

I kept slamming into him, Pony was almost screaming every time I slammed his sweet spot.

"S-Soda, don't stop!" Pony moaned and clawed my back.

I slowed my thrusts but kept thrusting into him hard. I loved hearing him gasp every time I slammed into him, I loved everything about him. I didn't want this to be the last time I made love with him, I didn't want this to be the end. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I needed to show Pony I really loved him. I lifted my head from his shoulder and he looked up at me, his eyes half shut. I pressed my lips to his, softly moaning into our kiss. Pony slipped his tongue into my mouth and licked around, I groaned and investigated his mouth with my tongue in return. I thrust more gently into him, Pony's sounds were turned to being soft, quiet and more precious than before.

"Oh, Sodaa.." Pony moaned when I pulled away.

"I love you so much, Pony, don't ever forget that." I panted and softly kissed him.

"I love you too, Soda...I don't wanna lose you, ever.." Pony moaned and bunched my shirt in his fists.

"You gonna cum?" I asked and thrust into him harder.

Pony nodded, "I-I'm gonna cum.." Pony panted and gripped his own member.

Pony quickly jerked himself off and squirmed around underneath me.

"Fuck!" Pony exclaimed and came all over his hand, I felt my own orgasm take over me.

"P-Pony!" I exclaimed and buried myself inside him.

I came heavily inside of my lover, he groaned as I filled him up with my semen. I collapsed on top of Pony and panted heavily into his shoulder.

"Soda?" Pony asked.

"Y-Yeah?" I answered, I was still trying to recover from my orgasm.

"If this is the last time I get to sleep with you, I really enjoyed it." Pony muttered and ran his fingers through my hair.

I sighed and pulled out of Pony, I laid beside him. He cuddled up to me and sniffled.

"I just don't wanna stop loving you..b-but I don't wanna get caught and taken away." Pony whimpered and I brought him into a hug.

"Shh, it'll all be okay.." I said, I wasn't sure if it really would be okay.

"I'm sleepy.." Pony yawned and nuzzled my chest.

"Go ahead and sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up." I assured.

"I love you." Pony said and shut his beautiful, green eyes.

"I-I love you too.." I whimpered, trying not to break down until he fell asleep.

Pony soon drifted to sleep, his breaths were deep and slow. I couldn't hold it back anymore and broke down. I sobbed heavily and held him close to my chest, he didn't wake up thankfully. I never wanted to lose my precious baby, I didn't want this to be the last time I held him in my arms. Why did this all have to happen to us? What did I do to deserve this? I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep, feeling my heart break even more as I drifted off.

 _ **A/N: I'm a terrible person, aren't I? I'm literally dying myself from these feels, like I literally cried right in the middle of this chapter. To add insult to injury, Goodbye by Miley Cyrus started playing after I finished...then I started bawling. I bet I wrecked someone's feels out there and I personally apologize. I am just as wrecked as you. This chapter is also pretty long...I kinda like this just more for you guys to read! :)**_

 _ **A/N: Okay, now my music player keeps playing feel song after feel song, I guess this is what I deserve.**_


	10. Chapter 10: My Heart Is Broken

Chapter 10: My Heart is Broken

I was hurt, I was hurt and there was nothing that could fix me. I couldn't stop thinking of the last time I made love with Pony and how it was most likely the last time. I hated life and I just wished that we never got caught, I sometimes wish I never kissed Pony. I wasn't quite avoiding Pony because I simply didn't want to. He looks at me, a deep wanting burning in his eyes but there was nothing I could do. I didn't talk to him much, it hurt me to talk to him and know he wasn't mine. He kept trying to talk to me but I pushed him away. I remember I was trying to walk to our bedroom and collect some things of mine when he shut the door. I was crouching, pulling a box from underneath the bed when I saw him standing over me. I jumped and looked into his green eyes.

"Pony, what are you doing?" I asked but he didn't answer me.

"Soda..." Pony breathed, he sounded desperate.

"What?" I questioned, I felt my heart start to beat faster.

Pony deeply kissed me and pushed me down onto the floor, he crawled ontop of me. I went to push him away but it felt to good to stop. I placed my hands on his hips and let Pony slip his tongue inside my mouth. He investigated my mouth and I moaned softly into our kiss. We made out on the floor for what seemed to be forever until Pony pulled away, I looked up at him.

"S-Soda, don't leave me, please." Pony whimpered and buried his face into my shoulder.

"Pony, I'm sorry but Darry said-"

"I don't care what Darry says or what anyone says!" Pony cried and sobbed.

"I know, I'm sorry.." I muttered and felt tears well up in my eyes.

Pony lifted his head from my shoulder and rested his forehead on mine. My heart was breaking again and I couldn't make it stop, I sighed heavily. Pony slowly tilted his head to the right and softly pressed his lips to mine once again. I kissed him back and ran my fingers through his soft, greasy hair. He pulled away and sat on my lap, I sat up and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"I love you, Ponyboy, I really do.." I muttered and softly kissed his neck.

Pony moaned and wrapped his arms around my neck, he rested his head on my shoulder.

"I'll never stop loving you, I promise." I whispered and he softly smiled.

"I love you, Soda, forever faithfully." Pony muttered and rubbed his nose against mine.

I giggled and laid Pony down onto the floor, I was ontop of him. He looked into my eyes and smiled softly at me. I softly pressed my lips to his neck and caused him to moan, he tangled his fingers into my hair.

"What are you two doing?" I heard someone ask and I jumped.

I jumped off of Pony and coughed nervously as I sat next to him. Pony sat up and sighed heavily. I looked at the doorway and saw Darry standing there, his hands on his hips.

"Sorry..." I said and slowly stood up, "I'll get my things."

Darry nodded and left the room, I looked over at Pony. He looked confused on what I was talking about and I sighed.

"Darry's making me move back to my old room." I stated and his eyes got wide.

"W-What, why?" Pony stuttered and I saw tears brim in his eyes.

I sighed and crouched by the bed again, I pulled out a cardboard box full of things that were mine. Pony sat silently on the floor behind me and watched me slide it out, I stared into the box for a moment. I saw old yearbooks and some photo albums, I didn't really like looking at them anymore since mom and dad died. I was about to pick the box up when Pony wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me down onto the floor.

"Soda!" Pony cried and whimpered.

I gagged from him pressing on my throat and he let me go. I looked at him like he was insane and tried to stand up. He grabbed my arm and pulled me down once again.

"No, Soda, don't leave me," Pony sobbed, "what if I have a nightmare? What do I do then?"

I sincerely didn't want to leave Pony alone in his bed at night, especially with his nightmares causing him to completely flip out. I didn't want him to wake up alone, surrounded in darkness with no one to hold him. I didn't know what to do or say.

"P-Pony, don't you think you're old enough now to handle them on your own?" I asked.

Pony looked insulted and crossed his arms over his chest, he let a tear roll down his cheek. I felt bad about what I said but I had no other options.

"You're fifteen years old, I think you can help yourself with those nightmares." I stated and stood up again.

Pony whimpered and looked up at me, multiple tears streamed down his face, I picked up my box and left him there. I felt warm tears fall down my face, I just left him there to cry alone. I was a monster.

. . .

I was sitting in my bedroom now and I hated it, I hated it so much. It felt really strange to be back in my old room after so long. I really didn't want to be in here, it felt so...wrong. Darry got me an appointment with a therapist, I did not want to see one. There was nothing to be fixed...was there? I didn't feel sick and I didn't really need to talk to anyone,I didn't need to be 'fixed'. I looked over at the clock on my nightstand,

"three forty-five..." I sighed and mumbled under my breath.

My appointment was at 3 and I was waiting for Darry to come get me out of my room. I didn't want to go and be told I was sick, that was one of my worst fears. Darry said he told them about what happened and I bet they're going to judge me on the spot. I don't think I cared enough to try and fix their perceptions of me. He said they most likely won't dig too deeply into personal business just yet, he said they want to get to know me some. I didn't want to know jack about them. I felt a presence in my doorway and looked up, Darry was looking at me.

"Come on, Soda." Darry said and walked away from my doorway.

I sighed heavily and stood up, I walked toward my doorway. I walked down the hallway and glanced into Pony's room, he looked at me longingly but quickly turned his attention back to his book. I sighed heavily, knowing that I had hurt him by leaving him to cry on the floor. I followed Darry outside to the truck, I stumbled all the way to the passenger door. I dreadfully opened the door and slowly crawled into the truck, I slammed my door shut in frustration. Darry had gotten in before me because I was being so slow, he sighed heavily and started the truck.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"Yeah?" I answered, I had my arm resting on the door handle and had my face resting in my hand.

"Please, at least try with these people. They really want to help you and they can't do that unless you cooperate." Darry said had he back out of our driveway and drove forward.

"You make it sound like they're going to brainwash me or somethin'.." I muttered and snickered.

Darry didn't answer me but I really was deeply scared they were going to brainwash me. I heard about things like that, were they going to make me completely change my thoughts? Was I all of a sudden going to like girls again? I shuddered at the thought, I didn't want to go through that at all. I heard what they did to people that were gay...they did some God awful things to them. I hoped they thought I was only delusional, that's a little better. I didn't pay attention much through the car ride but I noticed when we were in the richer part of town. Soc territory. I looked over at Darry like he was insane and he glanced over at me.

"What?" He asked.

"Where the Hell are you taking me?" I questioned, I didn't feel right being on this side of town.

"I'm taking you to the therapist..?" Darry said.

"Why are we in this side of town?" I asked.

"This is where the therapist is, Soda." Darry said, he sounded confused.

"This is where soc's are." I muttered.

"Yeah, so?" Darry asked.

"How do you know this therapist is actually going to help me?" I asked, feeling suspicious of this therapist now.

"They're a grown adult, I doubt they have time for petty teenage social walls and barriers." Darry said.

"Petty teenage barriers..?" I said in a bored tone.

"That's all they are besides the woman you're seeing is in her forties." Darry said.

At least I knew she was a woman but I'm not sure how I felt about talking about my personal stuff with a woman. I thought it was unmanly to open up to a woman but I had to try and talk. I noticed Darry had parked the truck in front of a two story building.

"This is a therapist office..?" I asked, slightly dumbfounded.

"Well, it's a lot of different offices in one building." Darry said and pulled his keys from the ignition.

I had heard of those kinds of places before but I've never visited one. I opened my door and crawled out, I was still looking at the building. It was a tannish brown color and had small, glass doors. Darry closed his door and stepped up to one of the doors, I quickly followed behind. I didn't want to be seen in this part of town by myself. We entered a small waiting room, only a couple other people were in the room. One was a man and sitting next to him was a girl, maybe a little younger than I was. She glanced up at me and looked back to her magazine. Socs. They were socs. I took a seat on the complete oppisite side of the room of them and stared down at my lap, I was so out of place. Darry soon sat next to me but I didn't bother to look up from my lap.

"You okay, Soda?" Darry asked.

"I-I'm fine." I muttered.

"Nervous?" Darry questioned.

I nodded, I felt defeated.

"It'll be alright Pepsi-Cola," Darry ruffled my hair some, "they won't dig deep this time. They just want to get to know you this time."

"I don't want them to dig at all." I said stubbornly.

Darry sighed, "remember what I said about at least trying?"

I groaned, "yes, I remember."

Darry smiled, "good."

We sat in silence now, it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt misplaced and what made it all worse was that there was apparently something wrong with me. I didn't feel ill and I didn't need to be fixed. I had to try at least, for Darry because he took the time to make this appointment for me. I wondered if this woman was nice or was she going to be rude to me. I wanted to believe Darry about her not caring about social barriers but some adults do. Darry tapped me on my shoulder and I jumped out of my thoughts. I looked over at him and he motioned toward a wooden door that was now open. The woman was smiling at me and had long blonde hair, I gulped.

"Go on, Soda, I'll be right here when you're finished." Darry assured and I sighed.

I slowly stood and hesitantly walked over to this mysterious woman. She kept smiling at me, before I walked onto the other side I glanced back at Darry nervously. Darry smiled and waved. I stepped through the doorway and she lead me to a small room.

"Have a seat." She said happily as she took a seat behind the desk, her chair was large and leather.

There were two leather chairs in front of the desk and I took a seat in the right one. I slouched in the chair, not wanting to be here at all.

"You're Sodapop Curtis, correct?" She asked as she pulled out a lined piece of paper and a pen.

I nodded but figured she couldn't see me.

"Yeah, that's me." I muttered.

"Unique name, I like it." She said with a soft smile.

She looked like a soc, pretty, nice looking and she was wearing expensive jewlery.

"I'm Amy Brink, it's nice to meet you, Sodapop." She said.

"You can call me Soda, I don't mind." I muttered, I think I minded just a little bit but that didn't matter.

"I just want you to know that we won't be talking too deep today unless you wanted you to." Amy said.

"I don't really want to talk today.." I admitted and she just nodded.

"I understand, it's especially hard for me to get my male patients to talk." Amy said and laughed.

I smiled and sighed, I wondered if she was going to ask me any questions.

"Soda, do you mind if I ask you some things?" She asked and glanced at me.

I looked into her eyes and noticed she had dark brown eyes, she reminded me of someone. I pushed away the thought,

"Yeah, go ahead." I said.

"Alright..what do you do in your free time usually?" She asked.

"I don't really have any free time.." I muttered, I didn't have much of a hobby or anything.

"Do you have a job?" She asked.

"Yeah, I work in a gas station." I answered.

"Ah, my first job was as a waitress." She said as she wrote something down.

"Do you go to school still?" She asked.

I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Most seventeen year olds would be finishing junior year.

"I dropped out in sophomore year." I admitted.

"Do you want to share why?" She asked.

I didn't like talking about that time in my life, it was rough and it wasn't pretty. I sighed heavily.

"You don't have to share if you don't want to." She said, her voice was soft and understanding.

"No just give me a moment." I said and she nodded.

I sat still, I was shocked about her being so nice to me. I'm sure she could tell I was a greaser and I was sure she was a soc type of woman, I was confused.

"Umm, Miss. Brink?" I asked.

"You can call me Amy but what is it?" She asked.

"Sorry, Amy, but why are you being so nice?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" She questioned, she furrowed her blonde eyebrows in confusion.

"You can tell I'm a greaser, can't you?"

"Well, yes I can."

"Then why are you being nice?"

"You've given me no reason to be rude." She answered simply.

I was so confused, people that wore nice things like she was didn't like people like me.

"Do you see me as a soc?" She asked.

I nodded slowly and she rolled her eyes, I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"When you become my age, things like labels usually start to lose their meaning." She said with a soft smile.

I nodded and figured that was true, I felt like the labels were starting to get old to me and I was only seventeen.

"I treat everyone equally, everyone deserves to have a peaceful mind." She said.

I nodded and I couldn't believe I was agreeing to someone like her. She was writing something on her paper and she looked back to me.

"How old are you, Soda?" She asked, softly.

"I'm seventeen." I muttered.

"I remember when I was seventeen, it was a pretty nice time in my life." She said, she looked like she was reminiscing some.

I wondered how long I had been in here, it didn't feel like it had been long. She I glanced around the room but couldn't find a clock, I slowly gave up on finding one. She was writing some more things down, I swear she looked so familiar. I felt a cold sweat form on my forehead when I realize who she looked like.

 _Sandy._

I gulped and I hated to look at her now, I shifted awkwardly in my chair. She looked up at me and watched me fiddle around a little.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

I nodded and tried to keep myself calm, she wasn't Sandy. She moved to Florida, she was thousands of miles away.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked and slowly stood from her chair.

"I-I'm fine." I lied.

"Okay..." She muttered before sitting back down.

I needed to leave right now, I couldn't handle this right now. I wasn't in a good emotional place to handle this.

"Amy, I need to leave." I spat out.

"Oh, alright, I can't stop stop you.." She muttered.

"Just tell me when my next appointment is, please.." I muttered.

"A week from now," she said, "do you know the way back to the waiting room?"

"Yeah, I know." I lied again, I really had no idea where I was now.

"Okay, bye, Soda, I'll see you in a week." She said and waved at me.

I stumbled out of the room and slowly closed the door behind me. I walked to the left, that's where I was pretty sure we entered from. I found a wooden door and opened it, I was thankful it was the right door. I slowly approached Darry and he looked at me in surprised.

"That was fast," he noticed my slight panicked expression, "are you alright?"

I shrugged, "can we just go home?"

Darry nodded and stood from his chair, he walked to the glass door and I followed close behind. I quickly opened the door to the truck and crawled in, I slammed my door and stared out the window. I felt Darry's eyes on me but I didn't look over at him, I heard him sigh. He started the truck and started to drive home. I was stuck in my mind, the only refuge I had at the moment.

"Soda?" I heard Darry say and I sighed, I turned to him.

"What happened in there?" He asked, he sounded concerned.

"She looks an awful lot like...like.." I stammered, I didn't like to say her name either.

"Who?" Darry asked confused.

"S-Sandy..." I muttered.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Soda, I can get you to see someone else-"

"No, it's alright, she's pretty nice to me." I said with a slight smile.

"That's good. Darry said happily.

"Yeah, I guess.." I muttered and stared out of my window.

. . .

Soon, me and Darry were back at home and I quickly jumped out of the truck. I felt so upset and beyond stressed out. I was about to walked to the front door when I felt Darry place his hand on my shoulder,

"when's your next appointment?" He asked.

"A week from today." I muttered and quickly walked into the house.

I was sure Darry was confused but I needed some sort of relief, I walked by Pony's room and glanced inside. He glanced up at me and quickly looked away, my heart broke. I walked into my room and slowly shut the door behind me, I let a sob escape my lips. It was like she was haunting me. It wasn't my fault she cheated on me and got knocked up, or was it? Was I not good enough for her? I gasped and stumbled to my nightstand. I quickly opened the drawer and pulled out my rarely used pack of cigarettes. I plopped down onto my bed and fumbled to open the pack. I finally got it open and stared at the cigarettes inside, only a couple of them were gone. I rarely smoked, I never found the need to unless I was stressed. I needed one, I needed the relief it gave me. I pulled one out and placed it in between my lips. I dug in the drawer for my green lighter, I stared at the lighter. The green reminded me of Pony's eyes and I dropped it. I couldn't use that, I just couldn't. I stumbled to my dresser and dug around in the drawers, I had to have some matches somewhere. I found my small box of matches and pulled them out, I stared at them like they were some lost treasure I had just found. I walked back to my bed and looked at the green lighter on the floor. I kicked it under my bed and sat back onto my bed. I opened the box and pulled out a match, I slid it across the box to light it up. I stared at the small flamed and put to my cigarette. I waved the match a little through the air to put it out, I took a long drag off the cigarette. I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and blew out the smoke. I sighed contently, I felt a lot calmer from just one drag. I laid down onto my back and took in another drag. I blew out the smoke and watched it fade away. I sighed and sat up, I pulled out my ash tray from the drawer and placed it on my nightstand. I flicked my ashes into it and put the cigarette back in between my lips. I stared up at the ceiling and felt at ease, nothing seemed to be bothering me anymore. I pushed it all to the back of my mind.

I finished my cigarette and flicked the last ashes off into the tray. I didn't put it out in the tray, I looked back and forth between my arm and the cigarette. I had a weird urge to put it out on my arm and the urge won. I slowly pressed the cigarette against my arm and winced from the burn but I also felt some sort of release from the pain. I pulled the cigarette from my forearm and stared at the burn, it wasn't too bad of a burn. It felt rather...nice to inflict that pain. I shrugged and placed the butt in the tray. I laid down onto my bed and continued to stare at the ceiling. Today was such a stessful day, I sighed heavily.

"I hope it all gets better soon." I muttered to myself and ran my fingers through my hair.

I heard my bedroom door open and I looked over, I saw Pony standing in my doorway.

"Pony, what are you doing in here?" I asked.

"I-I just want to ask how your appointment went..." Pony muttered.

I was confused on why he wanted to know anything about it since they were trying to get me to fall out of love with him.

"It was weird.." I admitted.

"How so? What happened?" Pony asked.

I felt irritated by Pony, I didn't want to talk to him because it just makes me miss him even more. I sighed heavily and sat up.

"The therapist, she looks a lot like Sandy." I muttered and Pony seemed to get a scowl on his face.

"Oh." Pony said and I nodded.

We sat in silence for a few moments until Pony coughed.

"Soda..?" Pony asked.

"What?" I said, somewhat agitated.

"Do you ever think of me..?" He asked shyly.

I felt my heart slam to the floor and I gulped, it had been a week since I had moved to my room. It didn't feel right to be in here. I wanted to be in bed right now with Pony, I wanted to be holding him against me. What do I say? Oh god...

"Yeah, I do sometimes.." I admitted.

Pony nodded and smiled, he walked out of the room and shut the door behind himself. I sat still for a moment, completely confused on what that was. I shrugged and laid back down to stare at the ceiling some more. I hoped that my next appointment wouldn't involve me freaking out on Amy again, she was too nice for me to just being walking out for no reason. I sighed, I just wanted everything to be okay like it used to be.


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter 11_

A month had passed now and it was pure Hell for me. I wasn't sleeping well, I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't keep my eyes shut longer than maybe five minutes, I've been so exhausted. Being physically exhausted and emotionally drained do not mix well, I can't tell you how many people I've snapped at. I felt especially sorry for Steve, he works with me and he has to deal with me constantly being in a crabby mood. He never said anything about it but I'm sure it did bother him. I hated life right now, it felt worthless and meaningless. I could occasionally fall asleep for maybe an hour and lay awake until my alarm went off. Those were my favorite nights, I actually got some sleep for once even if it wasn't much.

I was laying on my right side, staring at my alarm clock. I sighed heavily and extended my arm to my lamp, I switched it on. I stared at my lamp for a second before sitting up, I opened the drawer on my nightstand. I pulled out a small, metal box I bought a week ago out and sat it on my bed. I undid the clasp and opened it, I scanned over the contents. I had razors, tissues and antibacterial ointment. It was like my own harm then care kit, I love how it gave me a small bit of peace. I always cut when everyone was asleep, only me and the night knew what I did to myself. I was thankful it was getting cold outside so it didn't look weird when I started to wear long sleeves all the time. I grabbed one of the small, silver razors and held it in between my thumb and index finger. I took in a deep breath and pressed the sharp blade against my wrist, swiftly cutting. I winced but felt relieved. I stared at the slit on my wrist and watched it bleed, my blood was a pretty deep shade of red. I grabbed a tissue from my box and softly pressed it to my incision. I sat still for a moment, letting the tissue soak up all the blood it could. I lifted it up and stared at my cut, it didn't have much blood coming out of it anymore. I grabbed the ointment and squeezed some of the clear cream onto my finger and rubbed it on my cut. I didn't want my cuts to get infected. I wiped the remaining ointment on my pajama pants and put everything back into the box. I looked at the items once more before shutting the box My alarm sounded off and I groaned, I didn't want to go to work. I hated going anywhere anymore, I hated going outside because if I left my room I either saw Ponyboy or Two-Bit.

Keith started coming around again, I didn't like when he was around anymore, it made it worse when he tried to talk to me like nothing happened. I would give the smallest answers and quickly walk back to my bedroom. I don't know if he noticed that I didn't like talking to him anymore, if he did he probably didn't care. He did talk to Pony a lot though, it made me jealous, so jealous that I wanted to scream. Two-Bit hit on Pony the other day and I heard it, I wanted to stab myself repeatedly so I could die and not hear anymore. I was standing outside of the dining room where they were, I was secretly peeking in. Pony only coughed and shifted awkwardly.

"T-Two-Bit, I don't feel like moving on yet." Pony muttered and stared down at the floor.

"Come on, Pone, I could treat you better than Soda could." Two-Bit said.

I wanted so much to hit him or something, I just didn't want him to touch Pony and steal him away from me.

"I have a feeling you only broke me and Soda up because you wanted me." Pony stated coldly.

"Nah, it just isn't right to be sleeping around with your brother." Two-Bit said nonchalantly.

"What I did with my boyfriend wasn't any of your business." Pony said and crossed his arms.

"I think it kinda became my business when I walked in and he had his hand jammed down your pants." Two-Bit stated, he sounded slightly agitated.

"Soda was going to explain things to you but your ears are apparently full of cotton so you couldn't hear." Pony said dryly.

"I just think incest is wrong like most of the world these days." Two-Bit said and shrugged.

"I guess being with my brother is...wrong but if I was wrong then I was wrong. Soda made me happy and now I can't be with him anymore." Pony whimpered and stomped out of the room, he didn't see me.

I watched Pony walk into his bedroom and slam his door. I jumped from the loud bang but peeked back into the dining room. Two-Bit was standing still, he looked shocked by Pony's sternness and coldness. He seemed to be thinking to himself, he has a distraught look on his face. I figured it served him right for trying to steal Pony away from me so I just stood up and walked back into my bedroom.

I figured I should get ready for work now, I groaned loudly and stood up from my bed. I gathered up my clothes and walked out of the room to the bathroom, I don't even think Darry was up yet. I have been getting up rather early these days, when you're restless you do whatever just to have something to do. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door, I slowly began peeling off my pajamas and boxers. I stared on my wrists, both had cuts up to the middle of my forearm. They stung when I got in the shower, especially if they were fresh. I sighed, I guess comfort in the shower is a sacrifice for me to have comfort in my mind. I began to run the shower water and got it to the temperature I wanted and climbed in. The water instantly hit my cuts and I winced from the sting, the water was as bad as the soap. They didn't just sting when I was in the shower but they itched a lot, sometimes I would scratch too hard and cause the scabs to come off. I sighed and just wanted to finish the day already.

I walked out of the bathroom wearing a black long sleeve shirt with my uniform shirt over it. I stumbled back into my bedroom to slip on my shoes, I barely cared enough to put on socks anymore. I looked like shit, I didn't care about what I looked like anymore. I used to comb my hair perfectly but now I just made it look slightly decent. I had bags under my brown eyes and my eyes looked dead to the world. Girls don't look at me at the DX anymore, I guess girls don't like it when men looked like absolute, depressed trash. I couldn't blame them, I didn't like looking at myself either. I don't know if anyone in the gang noticed me slowly turning into a trash can, I think Steve might have noticed some. I got my shoes on and fell face first onto my bed, I sobbed. I hated going outside, I felt judged, as if everyone knew how big of a mistake I am. I guessed I would just have to toughen up and deal with it. I was still laying face down when I heard my bedroom door open, I shifted my head to look over at my doorway.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"What?" I asked.

"Since you have an appointment today, I'm going to be taking you to work so we will be leaving early and I'll be picking you up from work." Darry said and I sighed.

"Alright." I muttered and yawned.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Darry questioned.

"No, to be honest, no I didn't." I snapped, I hated when people asked me a lot of questions.

Darry simply nodded, "you can get at least an hour of sleep right now if you want. Are you hungry?" Darry softly asked.

"No, I'm not hungry.." I said as I heard my stomach growl.

Darry raised an eyebrow, "you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." I stated.

"Okay..." Darry said as he shut my door.

I hated eating, it just made me feel worse. I've lost some weight from not eating much recently, Darry's forced me to eat some things but I never liked it. I think it really wears on Darry seeing me this way but I couldn't help it, it felt like a never ending spiral. I felt my eyelids get heavy and I ended up falling asleep, I curled up into a ball.

I was dreaming, I knew that much. I was being shaken and I opened my eyes. I saw someone shaking me awake, I groaned and slowly opened my eyes. I was shocked to see it was Pony who woke me up, I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"Pony?" I asked.

"Shh.." Pony cooed and softly kissed me.

I hesitated but softly returned the kiss, I missed him so much. My body ached for him to touch me, I needed his hands all over me. Pony was ontop of me and he smirked down at me, I stared into his green eyes, silently begging him to take me. I didn't care if I was being completely submissive to him, I just needed him to make me feel safe. Pony placed his hands on my pants button and undid it, he slowly unzipped my pants. I was panting in anticipation.

"Pony, please!" I begged and clawed the blanket beneath me.

He slowly slid my jeans off of me, leaving me exposed to my little brother. He crawled back ontop of me after throwing my jeans to the floor, I felt his finger on my entrance. I mewled in desperation, I needed him to do something to me, anything!

"P-Pony.." I panted as he slowly pushed his finger into me.

"Ahh.." I breathed, it didn't even hurt, it just felt good.

Pony slid two more of his fingers into me and thrust them hard and fast into me. I was moaning loudly and couldn't stop myself from being loud, I just loved it too much.

Suddenly, I heard someone yell my name. I opened my eyes for real this time and lazily looked over at the doorway.

"S-Soda, what are you doing?" Darry asked, shocked.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him but then noticed I was touching myself like Pony was touching me in my dream. I blushed heavily and hid myself as quickly as I could.

"D-Darry!" I exclaimed and felt like wanted to cry.

"I-It's okay, Soda, just fix yourself up and come out when you're done." Darry quickly said and shut my door.

I whimpered, I felt completely embarrassed. I looked down and I was exposed from the waist down, I sighed heavily. I felt so empty to the point I was touching myself and pretending it was Pony. I felt dirty, I didn't feel alright in my own skin anymore. I stood slowly and grabbed my jeans off the floor, I didn't bother to take my shoes off before I pulled on my pants. I sat onto my bed and stared at my bedroom wall, I didn't want to face Darry after he saw me. I stared at my wall for a few minutes until I got up the nerve to walk out of my room. I slowly walked out of the room and hesitantly walked into the living room, Darry was standing by the front door. I noticed Pony wasn't in the room yet, I was confused why he wasn't awake yet.

"Where's Pony?" I asked, I didn't really want to see him, it was just weird with him not awake.

"He's sick, he has a high fever." Darry said and opened the front door.

"Oh.." I muttered and saw Two-Bit was sleeping on the couch.

I didn't feel okay with him being here alone with Pony, it made me feel sick. I looked at Darry with concern, he raised an eyebrow at me.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I don't want Two-Bit to be here alone with Pony." I admitted.

"I don't think Keith would hurt Pony, Soda.." Darry said confused.

"I don't care, I don't like it." I stated.

Darry sighed, "I'm sorry, Soda, but you're just going to have to deal with it."

I sighed and followed Darry out of the door, I glanced at Two-Bit before closing the door. I walked to the truck and opened the door, I wasn't ready for today. I groaned and crawled into the truck, I slammed my door shut and slouched in the seat. Darry started the truck and glanced over at me.

"Soda?" Darry asked as he backed out of the small driveway.

"What?" I asked.

"You've been rather depressed and it's really making me worried about you.." Darry trailed off.

Oh, so you're just now noticing my soul slowly collapsing on it's self?

I nodded, "yeah, I've been pretty sad."

"Do you think you could talk to your therapist about it? I'm sure she would be glad to help you." Darry said.

I shrugged, "sure.."

I hated going to see Amy, she looked so much like Sandy that it just fucked me up even more than I already was. I had to keep reminding myself that Amy is in her forties and Sandy is Florida. Sometimes it didn't work, sometimes I slipped up and called Amy Sandy. I hated Sandy and I could almost say I hated Amy but she didn't cheat on me and leave me for dead. I looked out my window and saw that we were already at the DX, I was shocked that time passed by that fast. I looked over at Darry and he was giving me a concerned look.

"Have a good day, Soda." Darry said with a soft smile.

"You too, Dar." I said back, I smiled at him. Seeing Darry smile always made me happy and feel somewhat better.

I climbed out of the truck and softly shut my door, I don't think Darry appreciated it when I slammed the door. I started walking up to the DX and stepped inside, I kept my eyes down onto the black and white tiles.

"You're kinda late.." Steve said and I jumped, I hadn't seen him when I walked in.

"Sorry, I was having a rough morning." I said and looked up at Steve.

"I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon." Steve said with a smile.

I always thought the gap in between Steve's front teeth was pretty comical looking. It just made him look funny even though he had an anger issue. He never failed to make me laugh when I was sad but recently, his skills haven't done anything for me. Steve noticed I didn't smile back like I usually would, in fact I wasn't even happy looking like I usually am.

"Soda? Are you okay?" Steve asked concerned and approached me.

"I-I'm fine," I lied, "I'm just really tired."

"Why have you been wearing long sleeves?" Steve asked.

"It's getting cold outside and I like to stay warm." I excused.

"I've seen you run throw snow with a tank top on, the cold doesn't bother you that much." Steve said.

I began to panic on the inside, he saw through everything. Best friends had a way of being able to rip every single one of your lies to shreds right in your face. He tried to grab my arm and I ripped it away from his grasp.

"Steve, I'm fine." I stated.

"Soda, there's something wrong." Steve muttered and tried to grab my arm again.

"Stop." I said.

Steve sighed, "alright."

He saw someone outside and began to walk outside.

"Talk to me when you want." He said softly before walking outside.

I stood still, I didn't want him or anyone to ever see my scars. They were ugly and red, I don't know how I found comfort in them. I rolled up my sleeve and stared at the scars and cuts, I sighed contently as I ran a finger over them.

Just make it home Soda and you can cut again..

I rolled my sleeve back and went behind the counter, I just wanted to get home so I could cut myself again. I heard the door open and I turned around. Dallas was standing there, looking at me with a cigarette in between his lips. He smirked at me and approached me.

"What's up, Soda?" He asked while pulling his cigarette from his mouth.

"Nothing much.." I muttered and got an idea, maybe I could get Dallas to go and stay with Pony and Two-Bit.

"Hey, Dally?" I asked, trying to sound nice.

"Yeah?" He asked and took a drag off his cigarette.

I hesitated to ask, I wasn't sure if Dallas had anything planned but I figured it didn't hurt to ask anyway.

"Could you go stay with Pony and Two-Bit? I don't trust Two-Bit with Pony right now.." I said and looked down at the floor.

Dallas pat me on the shoulder, "no problem, Soda, I got nothin' better to do right now."

I looked up at him and smiled, "thank you, Dal.

"No problem, I'll see you later then. Bye Steve." Dallas waved as he walked out the door.

"It's nice he didn't even bother to say hi to me." Steve huffed as he walked in from outside.

. . .

It was officially closing time and I was leaning my elbow on the counter, my jaw resting in my hand. I sighed heavily as I wait for Steve to finish up so I could walk home and relieve myself. I was zoning out, not really paying attention to anything. I saw Steve at the corner of my eye and saw him stop moving and stare at me. I didn't look at him, I just yawned and sighed.

"S-Soda, what is that?" Steve asked.

I stopped daydreaming and looked down at my wrist, it was exposed. I jumped and violently pulled it over my cuts, I looked at Steve.

"N-Nothing!" I exclaimed, desperately wanting Steve to just forget what he saw.

"Soda, are you hurting yourself?" Steve asked in disbelief.

"N-No..." I muttered and backed away when he stepped closer to me.

Steve quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled my sleeve all the way down to my elbow. I let him take in my cuts, I knew I was caught.

"S-Soda.." Steve said sadly and covered his mouth.

"Stevie, don't tell anyone, please.." I begged.

"Soda, I have to tell someone. You'll kill yourself that way!" Steve exclaimed and I saw tears brim in his eyes.

I hated to see Steve so sad for me, I knew it was my fault, I hurt him with these cuts. I couldn't help it, it just happened. I just wanted to relieve the pain in my heart, the pain knowing I couldn't have Pony back. I sobbed and hugged Steve, I couldn't hold myself together anymore.

"S-Steve, I can't stop. I've tried and I just can't.." I sobbed into his shoulder.

"How long have you been doing this?" Steve asked.

"A month...I can't do it anymore, I can't live anymore, Stevie.." I whimpered.

"Soda, you can't off yourself. Think of Pony and Darry and how much they would miss you. Think of how much the gang would miss you, it wouldn't be the same." Steve said and rubbed my back.

"I know you'd all miss me but I can't stop the pain. It comes back so quickly. I can't sleep at night, I can't even walk in my own house because Pony or Keith is there." I cried and sobbed more into his shoulder.

"You need to tell your therapist about this, keeping it bottled up inside isn't going to make you feel any better." Steve said and I softly sniffled.

"O-Okay.." I said, I knew I most likely wouldn't mention it to anyone but I could at least say I would.

Steve smiled, "good."

I glanced outside and Saw Darry's truck outside, I looked back to Steve.

"I've gotta go, I'll see you later, Stevie." I said while waving at him.

"See you later, Soda." Steve said as he followed me and locked the door.

I walked to Darry's truck and quickly climbed inside, wanting to get my appointment done with so I could get home.

"Did you have a good day?" Darry asked after I closed my door.

"Y-Yeah, it was fine." I said, trying not to show I had been crying.

Darry backed out of the parking lot and didn't say much of anything to me while driving to the therapist office. I didn't want to see Amy, I didn't want to be on this side of town looking this trashy. Darry parked in front of the building and I whimpered to myself.

"Soda, I got to run some errands. Can you handle being here on your own?" Darry asked.

I felt my heart stop for a second. Me? Alone? In soc territory? I gulped but nodded.

"Sure, I'll be okay." I lied, I wasn't sure how anyone would treat me without Darry with me to make me look slightly respectable.

"See you in an hour." Darry said as I crawled out of the truck.

"Bye, Dar." I said and closed the door, I slowly walked to the door and stepped into the building.

I looked around the small waiting room and was thankful that it was only me in there. I let out a sigh of relief and approached the receptionist desk. I talked to the receptionist for a second before I went to take a seat, I stared down at my hands in my lap. I sat silent for a few moments, I didn't feel comfortable here, no matter how many times I came here. I felt someone tap me on my arm and I looked up, instantly seeing the blonde hair.

"Hey, Soda, ready to come in?" Amy asked, she had a soft smile on her tn face.

"Sure.." I said and slowly stood, I just noticed that Amy was taller than me.

I followed her through the door and into her office, her office was pretty big. I went to the chair I always sat in and sat down, I slouched in my seat. Amy took a seat in her big leather chair, she situated herself and looked at me.

"Are you having a good day so far?" She asked, her voice was nice and calm.

"Yeah, it was kinda boring." I lied, hoping she couldn't see through my lies like Steve could.

"Soda, you've been pretty depressed the last month." Amy said and looked at me, her brown eyes were full of concern.

I was thankful that one thing was different from Amy and Sandy, their eyes were different colors. Sandy's were blue and Amy's were dark brown. She waited silently for me to answer, I wasn't sure if I could answer. I bet it was bluntly obvious I wasn't in a okay state of mind.

"Yeah...I have been pretty depressed.."I admitted.

"You miss Ponyboy, don't you?" She asked cautiously.

I froze, she always knew what was wrong with me like she could read my mind. It freaked me out how she knew what to say most of the time, I sighed heavily.

"Yeah...I miss Ponyboy a lot.." I said softly.

"Soda, I know you miss being with him romantically but you can't do that." Amy said soothingly.

I winced from her words, I didn't want to give up Ponyboy.

"How do I stop loving him if I live with him? What do I do then?" I asked, desperate for an answer.

"You're gonna have to talk to him in a brotherly way. You have to reestablish the brotherly aspect of your relationship." Amy said.

I sat silent, she made it sound so easy. I didn't like to talk to Pony anymore, it always escalated to something inappropriate. I could barely look at Pony anymore without wanting him. I stood up from my chair, I didn't want to talk anymore.

"I have to go." I said, my voice was colder than I intended.

"Soda, please, I'm trying to help you." Amy said and followed me toward the door.

"Well, you're not helping right now." I said as I quickly opened the door.

"Soda, please, just listen to me." Amy pleaded as she followed me out to the waiting room.

"No, I don't want to listen to you anymore." I stated and walked out of the building.

Amy didn't follow me out, I think she could get in trouble if she left her building. I knew I would feel horrible later about how I treated her but I really didn't need to listen to her anymore. I stood still for a moment and realized I had no way home, I gulped. I was outside, by myself in soc territory. I thought of how me and Darry got here and began speed walking away from the building. I knew I would freak Darry out by leaving and not telling anyone where I went, I sighed and went back to the building. I stepped inside and went to the receptionist.

"Umm..ma'am?" I asked softly.

She looked up at me and smiled softly.

"Yes?" She asked.

"When my brother comes by, can you just tell him I walked home?" I said.

She nodded, "can do."

"Alright, thank you." I said with a smile and walked back outside.

I continued to speed walk home, I didn't want to be caught or anything. I felt like it was taking me forever but then again, I was on the other side of town. I thought of how much of an idiot I was for walking just because I got pissed off for a second at Amy. I already felt bad for speaking the way I did at her, she was just trying to help me get better but I didn't want to get better. I wanted to stay sick, I wanted to stay with Pony and be sick with him. I zoned out from the world, I didn't care about the world anymore. I was staring down at the sidewalk when I heard a car horn honk near me. I jumped and was about to bolt in the opposite direction, I slowly turned to where the noise came from. I was deeply relieved to see it was just Darry, I let out a sigh and he motioned for me to get in the truck. I bet he was pretty mad at me for wondering off but I could handle Darry being mad. I opened the door and crawled inside, I situated myself in the seat.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"Yeah?" I said, expecting him to yell at me.

"I talked to Amy, she told me you got angry at her and told her you didn't want to talk. Do you really not want to talk to her anymore?" Darry asked, he sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I did get angry..I feel bad about it." I said softly.

"Do you want to go back?" Darry asked.

"No, not right now." I quickly said, I needed time.

"That's okay, Soda, tell me when you're ready and I'll get it situated." Darry said with a smile.

"Thanks, Darry.." I said, I was surprised he wasn't scolding me.

I sat in silence on the way home, my arms felt tingly like always when I needed to cut. I began to move around awkwardly, trying to make it go away. Me and Darry were halfway home when my arms began burning, they did this when I didn't cut immediately when I felt them tingle. I winced and began lightly scratching at my arm, trying to make it a little better. I saw the house was just a few seconds away and the burning got worse, I was scratching my arm really hard. I knew I broke through the scabs, I felt the blood touch my sleeve. I hoped Darry didn't notice me scratching myself like a maniac, he pulled into the driveway and I kicked open my door. I ran into the house and quickly went to my bedroom, I shut my door. I stood there for a moment, I was sure I looked like an idiot by running through the house like that but I needed to escape. I sat on my bed and took in a deep breath, I was personally scared of cutting too deep one day. I was always so careful when I actually cut, it was nice and quick. I opened the drawer on my nightstand and pulled out my metal box. I noticed I was still wearing my work uniform, I shrugged and slipped it off. I laid my shirt by my box and I went to undo the clasp, I opened the box. I stared at the contents for a second before I picked up my razor. I stared at it for a moment, the silver color was pretty to me. I was about to pull up my sleeve when I heard someone open my door. I jumped and threw my razor back into the box and slammed the box shut, I looked around anxiously and threw my work shirt over the box.

"Soda?" Pony asked and shyly looked at me.

"What?" I said and glanced down at my shirt.

Pony got closer to me and looked down at my wrist, he looked up into my eyes. I noticed there were tears in his green eyes, I wondered what was wrong with him. He looked pale but then I remembered he was sick, he had bags under his eyes.

"Pony, are you alright?" I questioned, not wanting him to be upset.

"S-Steve told me you're hurting yourself.." Pony whimpered and wiped away the tears that fell down his face.

I wondered why Steve told Pony that but I sighed, I didn't want to admit this to Pony. He hugged me tightly and sobbed.

"S-Soda, don't hurt yourself anymore. I know you miss me but I'm not worth hurting yourself over.." Pony whispered and took in a shaky breath.

That was the thing, I wasn't even sure if I was hurting myself over Pony anymore. My depression made me think everything was worse than it really was. I thought I was a burden on Darry and the gang and thought I didn't have any real purpose anymore. I was a wreck and I was just a sick mistake, I didn't deserve to live. Pony let go of me and looked into my eyes.

"Soda, I love you and always will but you can't keep doing this to yourself over me." Pony muttered and sniffled.

I wanted to believe Pony, I wanted to believe it was that easy. I wished it was as simple as saying 'no, I'm not going to cut today.' I let Pony grab my hand and slightly pull up my sleeve, he stared at my cuts.

"S-Soda.." Pony breathed in disbelief.

"I know, Pony..I know.." I whispered and looked down at my lap.

Pony slowly ran his fingers over my fresh scars, he looked back up at me. I looked into his green eyes for a moment, the anguish in his eyes were obvious and broke my heart. Suddenly, Pony's lips were on mine. They were there for only a second but it felt so nice to have him for at least a moment.

"You'll be okay, Soda. I promise." Pony said softly and squeezed my hand.

I really wanted to believe I would be okay but I had to wake up alone everyday. I would live my life all way, completely alone. I didn't want to be alone anymore, I didn't want to lose someone I loved again. Pony softly smiled at me and turned to leave, I grabbed his wrist.

"No, Pony, please, don't leave me.." I begged, my voice cracked mid-sentence.

"Soda, I can't stay, Darry will get mad." Pony said quickly and tried to pull his hand away.

I sighed and let him go, "sorry, Pony."

"It's alright, I'll talk to you later." Pony said with a smile and walked out of my room, he shut the door behind him.

I thought of how upset Pony must be at me for doing this to myself, I felt the tears burn my eyes. All I did was hurt people I loved and cared about, I was worthless. I sobbed and laid down on my bed, I buried my face into my mattress. I couldn't stop myself from crying, my heart hurt too much for me to even cut this time. I don't know how long I cried but when I stopped, my nose was stuffed up beyond belief. My voice was nasally afterward so I tried not to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go to bed.

I was laying in bed now, thankful I made it through the way. I stared up at my ceiling, just letting my thoughts drift around like ice. I began to have a lot of suicidal thoughts, I cursed at myself and tried to push them away but I couldn't stop thinking about it. All the different ways I could end it all, all the different ways I could just not exist anymore.

"Damn it, Soda, stop it!" I whispered and groaned.

I rolled over onto my side and shut my eyes, I sighed heavily in annoyance.

"It'll be okay...It'll all be okay.." I muttered to myself, I felt like I was lying to myself.

I slowly fell into a dreamless sleep, not ever wanting to wake up.


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter 12_

 _(WARNING: If you are squeamish, please don't read or be aware.)_

It was another week, I didn't know why I decided to wake up today. I managed to get out of going to work today by telling Darry I didn't feel well, he's been extra concerned with me recently. I felt awful that I couldn't even pretend I was happy for Darry's sake, he always looked so worried when he looked over me. I didn't like to see the worry and pain in his green blue eyes, I always knew it was my fault it was there. Darry could've gone to college, he could've been someone but he chose to take care of his brothers. One of them was me. I don't think Pony appreciated it that much yet but I'm sure he was coming around to it, he was just young. I instantly regretted thinking of Pony, it always sent a sharp pang through my heart. I don't talk to him anymore unless I have to which isn't much anymore. The gang has noticed us not talking much anymore, we don't even look at each other anymore. It was mainly me that didn't do anything with him, it hurt me way too much. I always receeded into my room and locked the door so I could cut, just seeing his green eyes made me want to bawl. I silently wondered if he ever thought of me anymore even if it was for just one second.

I was laying face down in my pillow, I was so exhausted. I didn't get any sort of sleep the night before, I couldn't make my eyes close at all. Today was a Friday and Darry told me Pony didn't have school today, I felt nervous when he told me that. Did Darry really trust me enough not to devour Pony like an animal? I wanted to but I figured I was too tired to even stand up. I never ate, I never did anything anymore. I basically became a shell that never did anything, I was a train wreck. Steve always watched over me at work and always made sure I was doing okay, I had to lie to convince him I was alright. I knew it wasn't okay to lie to your best friend but I didn't want him to worry. It was weird how he could see through all my lies before but now he couldn't, I guess depression makes you a good liar. I noticed Two-Bit becoming nicer to me recently, maybe he felt bad about what he did? I didn't bother to ask because I knew his ego would get in the way of his honest answer. I really wanted to be friends with Two-Bit again but it was so hard to even find a reason to forgive him. I sighed heavily and looked over at my alarm clock, it was already eleven thirty. I groaned and rolled over onto my back, I tried to rub the sleepiness from my eyes. I slowly sat up and wondered if Pony was awake, I couldn't hear anyone moving around in the house but then again Pony always moved around quietly. I shrugged and figured I just wouldn't talk to him if I saw him. I stood up and felt dizzy, it was most likely from me not eating a lot.

"I need to at least eat something.." I whispered to myself as I bent down to grab my jeans.

I slipped on my jeans and lazily zipped and buttoned them up, I didn't care if they looked proper or not. I walked to my closet and stared at my shirts, none of them looked appealing to me. They were all too bright, I didn't like to wear bright colors anymore. I grabbed a dark blue, long sleeved shirt and pulled it on, it was wrinkled but I didn't care. I stumbled to my door and opened it, I began walking to the living room. I stood in the doorway for a moment and investigated the room, it didn't look like anyone was in there. I thought it was weird that absolutely no one was here, I shrugged and walked into the kitchen. I froze once I entered the room, my heart began beating heavily in my chest. Pony was in there, I knew I could just walk back into my room, I needed food and I had every damn right to get food if I wanted it. He turned to me and looked into my eyes, he softly smiled at me.

"Hey, Soda." Pony said softly and poured himself a glass of chocolate milk.

I didn't answer, I knew it hurt his feelings but I just needed to get what I wanted and leave. I quickly walked to the refrigerator and opened it, I pulled out a slice of chocolate cake and took a huge bite out of it. I used that as an excuse to not answer Pony any further. He looked at me angrily and took a drink from his glass, I hated to upset him so much. The cake tasted disgusting, not from whoever made it but from me just not wanting to eat. I took the last bite and slowly chewed it, I wanted to spit it out but I forced it down. I felt Pony was watching me but I didn't say anything to him, I didn't want to rip myself apart.

"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Pony asked.

I froze, I didn't want to answer, I didn't want him to talk to me.

"What did I do to you?" Pony asked and stepped closer to me.

I backed away but he grabbed my wrists, I didn't struggle but I wanted him to let me go.

"Pony, let me go." I softly begged.

"No, Soda, tell me why." Pony demanded in a shaky voice.

I looked up into his green eyes, the tears looked like they were about to fall and I didn't know what to do. Darry was trusting me not to fuck this up, Darry was counting on me.

"Soda, please, just talk to me. It hurts me so much when you don't even acknowledge me." Pony whimpered.

I felt infuriated, I was so angry and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do anymore.

"You wanna know why? You really want to know why?" I snapped, my voice raised more than I wanted it too.

Pony stared into my eyes, he didn't seem phased by me accidently raising my voice at him. He stepped up closer to me and continued to stare up at me.

"Yes, Soda. I want to know." Pony stated.

I didn't expect Pony to push this any further so I began to try and back out of the kitchen. I got nervous when Pony just followed me out into the living room and I eventually fell onto the couch. I stared up at him and didn't know what to do, he moved my legs and sat by me.

"Why don't you talk to me anymore?" Pony asked.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I tried to stand up, he pulled me down onto the couch. I looked into his eyes and Pony gave me a serious look. He kept his grip on my arm tight and I knew I wasn't getting away from him. I sighed heavily and sat silent next to him, I didn't want to talk to him at all.

"Soda, you have to tell me." Pony pleaded.

"P-Pony, I don't want to talk about it.." I muttered and looked toward the carpet.

"You have to, I'm your brother and we used to be so close and now.." Pony trailed off and sniffled.

I knew what I needed to say but I couldn't force it up. It was stuck in my throat, waiting to be said but I couldn't get it to come out. I opened my mouth but nothing came out, Pony glanced down at my mouth then back up at me. I couldn't speak, I couldn't do anything. I was frozen in my place, I felt so trapped and cornered.

"Soda.." Pony said desperately and I felt sweat form on my forehead.

I knew if I said what I wanted and did what I wanted, I would fuck up. I would fuck up all of this that has been done, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to betray Darry's trust but the pain in my heart was about to kill me. Pony was all I wanted, he was all I ever needed but it couldn't happen. Why did Pony have to be my brother? Why does everything have to be against me? I couldn't hold myself together and began to cry. I didn't even try to hide my tears, I couldn't do it anymore. Pony stared at me in shock as I slowly fell apart in front of him.

"Damn it, Pony, it's not fair!" I yelled and sobbed heavily.

He sat silent next to me and I sobbed into my hand, I could barely breath because I was crying so hard. I bet I had snot everywhere or something but I didn't care, I was hurting too much. Pony tried to calm me down by softly cooing at me and petting me, it just made me want him more.

"Pony, stop it! Fuck, stop it all!" I screamed and fell onto the floor.

Pony jumped and stared down at me as I sobbed heavily on the floor, I couldn't stop. I regretted waking up this morning, I hated walking out of my room, I hated being alive.

"Soda, you can't keep crying like this." Pony said softly as he knelt down by me.

"What do I do then? Pretend I never loved you? Pretend none of this happened? Do you want me to smile and pretend?" I asked in a breathless tone and sobbed more.

"No..I didn't want any of this either, Soda.." Pony whimpered and ran his fingers through my wheat blond hair.

Pony began to cry just as hard as I was, I felt his tears fall onto my face. I sat up and watched him for a moment, his shoulders shook with the deepest anguish I had ever seen. I slowly pulled him into my arms and held him, I never liked seeing Pony or really anyone cry. Pony buried his face into my chest and his sobbing slowed down, I slowly ran my fingers through his auburn hair. Pony looked up at me and looked deep in my my eyes for a moment.

"Soda.." Pony breathed, his voice was hoarse.

I needed him, I needed him so much. I quickly pressed my lips to his and pushed him down onto the floor as I crawled ontop of him. Pony stared up at me when I pulled away and was panting softly.

"Pony, I missed you so much." I panted and kissed him deeper than I ever had before.

Pony hesitated but returned the kiss, he softly moaned and I shivered from hearing him make that noise once again. I pulled away and attacked his neck, sucking and licking as much as I could.

"Soda!" Pony exclaimed and moaned heavily from every kiss I placed on his skin.

"Oh God, Pony.." I panted and I could feel his erection pressing against me.

"Please, I need you.." Pony moaned and clawed at my back.

I quickly obliged and slipped my hand into his pajama pants and into his boxers, Pony whimpered softly as I gripped his member. I slowly stroked him and loved listening to him make his soft moans.

"F-Faster..." Pony panted and smirked.

I rubbed him faster like he asked, he gasped and dug his nails into my back. God, I missed him so much.

"S-Soda, I missed you so much!" Pony cried and deeply kissed me, he lightly clawed at the back of my neck.

I continued to jerk him off, I just needed to hear him moan, that's all I needed. I knew I had crossed the line and I knew I broke Darry's trust but I didn't care. Pony was mine and mine alone, I didn't want to let him go. I heard the screen door open and I didn't even bother to stop, I couldn't get enough of Pony. Pony squirmed around beneath me and tried to push me off.

"S-Soda, stop!" Pony exclaimed desperately.

I didn't want to stop, whoever walked in would have to pull me off because I was in too deep to care.

"Soda, what are you doing?!" I heard Darry yell and then heard him quickly step over to where me and Pony were on the floor.

I felt Darry grab me and I let go of Pony but started thrashing around in Darry's arms. I looked like a kid having a huge fit but I didn't want to lose Pony, I didn't want to give up what we had. I began to cry just as hard as I was earlier and I kept kicking until my legs got tired. Darry just held me as I became limp in his arms, I had no reason to be alive anymore. I wondered why this had to happen and wondered why I couldn't have who I wanted.

"Soda." Darry stated and turned me around to face him.

I had tears all over my face and I couldn't look into his eyes because I felt so pathetic. I knew Darry was angry at me because I betrayed the trust he put into me, I was an animal that needed to be contained.

"I leave you alone with Pony for just a few hours and you're already touching him." Darry stated and groaned.

I felt horrible about making Darry so agitated, I knew he tried so hard to fix me but I couldn't be fixed. The sickness that I was infected with could not be cured, it was permanent. I wanted to apologize but I knew what I did couldn't be taken back so quickly, I had touched Pony and I wasn't supposed to.

"I'm sorry.." I whispered, I don't know if he heard me.

I heard the front door open and some soft conversation but it was silenced when they noticed me. I didn't know who it was but it sounded like Dallas and Johnny, I probably looked like and idiot being held like this by Darry. I could feel their eyes on me and I wanted to completely disappear, I was just a mess. Darry sighed heavily and let me go, I stood still and whimpered softly to myself. Pony was standing behind me and he placed his hand on my shoulder, I slowly turned to him.

"I-I'm sorry.." I quivered and ran out of the room to the safety of my bedroom.

I slammed my door behind me and slowly slid down to the floor, I began to sob heavily again. I needed to cut again, my arms were tingling like they always do so I began crawling to my bed. I slowly pulled myself up and lazily sat up, I looked over at my nightstand. I sniffled and couldn't bring myself to actually get my razors. I fell onto my bed and sobbed heavily into my mattress, I had become accustomed to this. I had no one to hold me, I had no one to tell me it was going to be okay, it was just me and my suicidal thoughts. I did a pretty good job of not cutting recently or at least not a lot. I had more scars than I did last week because I lost control but somehow I got some of it back. I couldn't stop doing it, I was addicted to the relief it gave me to cut. I went to get my metal box from my nightstand but then I heard my bedroom door open. I pulled my hand back to myself quickly and looked up at my doorway. I first noticed the jet black hair and the concerned look on his face.

"Johnny?" I asked, I wondered what he wanted.

"Pony sent me to talk to you." Johnny said softly and closed the door behind him, he walked up to me.

"Oh.." I muttered, I figured Darry didn't want Pony around me right now.

"He was going to send Dallas but you know how it is to get comforted my Dallas. It's like explaining your feelings to a rock and expecting a response from it." Johnny said with a smile.

"Heh, yeah.." I said sadly and sniffled.

"Pony just wanted me to mainly say, he still loves you with all his heart and he wished it wasn't like this.." Johnny said and refused to look at me.

"Johnny, do you think it's wrong?" I asked cautiously.

"What's wrong?" Johnny asked.

"What me and Pony are? Do you think it's wrong?" I asked.

Johnny opened his mouth but he quickly shut it. His cheeks turned red as he tried to think up a proper answer, he shyly glanced at me.

"I don't think I could do it but what you guys did wasn't any of our business. What Two-Bit did was wrong but there's no way to change it.." Johnny muttered.

I nodded, I knew it was wrong and I knew everyone else thought it was wrong but they just didn't want to hurt me and Pony's feelings.

"Soda, I'm sorry this had to happen to you guys. I wish you and Pony could just be together without any problems, I guess life sucks sometimes." Johnny said with a shrug.

Johnny knew that life sucked and could always be worse than it is. He didn't have the best life and I always got so angry to see such a small, timid boy get so hurt just because someone was pissed off. Johnny sort of reminded me of Pony when he was younger, he used to be timid or at least more than he is now. Pony and Johnny never talked much to each other, silence was perfectly fine for both of them. I wondered why Pony didn't like the silence I gave him but he didn't mind the silence Johnny gave him. Pony loved me and it most likely hurt him to know I didn't want to talk to him, Johnny was just his friend and Johnny didn't talk much anyway. I noticed that I was staring right at Johnny and he was looking at me nervously.

"Soda?" Johnny asked confused.

"Sorry, I was thinking.." I muttered and looked at my lap.

"It's weird that I'm trying to comfort you, you're usually the one that tries to make me feel better." Johnny said and softly chuckled.

"Yeah, life is strange sometimes.." I said and sighed heavily.

"Soda, it'll be okay. I know you don't see it right now but everything will be fine, I know it will." Johnny said and smiled at me.

I was surprised to hear Johnny speak in such a way, from what Pony told me he could get pretty deep if you gave him a chance. I never witnessed it myself but I knew for a fact now that he was smarter than most try to think. I never realized how nice Johnny really was, he had a worse life than I did but he was trying so hard to make me feel better.

"Johnny?" I asked.

"Yeah?" Johnny said as he stopped chewing on his thumb nail.

"Thank you for talking with me, it means a lot." I said with a soft smile.

"Oh, no problem." Johnny said and went to stand up.

"...Can I have a hug..?" I asked slowly, I was scared I was going to freak him out.

Johnny looked at me with surprise but he wrapped his arms around my neck and patted my back, I hugged him back.

"I love giving people hugs, I never get to give them much." Johnny said shyly when he pulled away.

"I'll talk to you later, Johnnycakes." I said and as he walked to my door.

"Talk to you later, Soda." Johnny said before he closed my door.

What Johnny said to me did help me somewhat, I was just in a state of denial where I actually didn't want to be happy. I just wanted to dig deep and find things to make me sad. The stupidest one was when I remembered a pet turtle I had when I was seven and it died. For whatever reason that actually made me cry and that was ten years ago. I knew it was completely idiotic to just go and make myself depressed on purpose but I liked being sad. I was in love with my sorrow and I couldn't let it go, it would take a lot to make me fall out of love with this pain. I wish it was as simple as someone saying some simple words and it would go away but it was too complicated. Johnny meant well with his words but their power wore off almost instantly. Here I sat, angry and depressed all over again. Why couldn't I have Pony? It was all because Two-Bit decided to be a dick and fuck up what we had. I felt too angry at Two-Bit, I wanted to hurt him but deep down I knew I couldn't really hurt anyone intentionally.

"You're just a huge pussy, Soda." I growled at myself and felt the need to throw something.

I cocked my head to my nightstand and the only thing I think I could throw was a glass of water. I couldn't throw that, Darry would come in here wondering what that noise was, see the shattered glass and water everywhere and yell at me for breaking perfectly fine dishes. I growled, that made me angry at Darry. I wanted to give Darry a piece of my mind and tell him Pony was mine and that he wasn't going to stop me from getting what I want. I couldn't do that, he would probably lose it and maybe even kick me out. I knew I wouldn't be able to survive like that like Dallas and Johnny do, I personally don't even know how they managed to live like that all the time. I couldn't stop thinking poorly of myself, I even got to the point where I was telling myself I wasn't good enough for Pony.

 _You're trash, Soda. Pony knows exactly what he wants and needs and trash isn't it._

 _Pony is going to forget about you soon, you might as well come to terms with it right now._

"Stop it!" I yelled and buried my face into my pillow.

I couldn't stop my heart from shattering, that's all it did recently. Slowly put itself back together then just fall apart all over again, it was some sort of sick and twisted cycle. I sobbed into my pillow, I didn't know how to make it all stop without my mind always deciding on death. I would always try so hard to push those thoughts away but they haunted me all the time. I was plagued by thoughts I didn't want to have, I didn't want to do what they told me to do. I couldn't get them to stop.

 _You could easily shoot yourself..._

 _You could take too many painkillers..._

 _You could do anything to make the pain stop, it's just one step away._

I cried even harder when the thoughts infiltrated my mind because I ignorantly believed them. I was a mistake, I was a burden that nobody wanted anymore. I just grew up to be a fuck up, I was a disappointment to Pony, Darry and mom and dad. I know mom and dad were looking down at me in disappointment, I was their problem child and I bet they always knew. I wasn't angry at my parents, it was stupid of me to be angry at anyone but I felt so pissed off. I laid silent for a moment, trying to calm myself down but it didn't really work. The longer I sat there the more angry I became, I sighed and yawned.

"I should take a nap..." I whispered and yawned again.

I slowly shut my brown eyes and drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

. . .

I woke up with a huge headache, I always got one when I cried really hard. I groaned, my headache just made me even angrier. I was hoping my nap would make my headache better but I think it just made it worse. I looked over at my clock and could barely see it was around nine, I sighed. I fucked up my sleeping schedule by taking that nap but I needed it so badly, I did feel better rested. Maybe I could miss at least one more day of work, I never missed any before. I slowly sat up and groggily scanned my room, everything looked so bleak to me. Ever since I became this way all the colors seem fade from the world. The sky looked more like a greyish blue and the grass all looked yellow, I don't know what was going on with me. I wondered if everyone had ate, I didn't want to eat but I wondered if they did. I rubbed my eyes and scratched my cheek, I felt like a mess. I heard someone open my bedroom door so I looked up at them, it was Darry.

"Oh, hey, you're awake." Darry said with a smile.

I didn't smile back or respond, I just blankly stared at him. I wanted him to leave, I just wanted to be left alone to rot and no one would let me.

"I just wanted to tell you, there was some food left and I put it up for you if you want it." Darry said kindly.

I sighed, "alright." I said coldly.

Darry looked at me for a moment, he looked so concerned and so confused on what was wrong with me. I bet no one could ever fix me, fixing people wasn't that simple.

"Soda..?" Darry asked.

"What?" I snapped, I did that a lot to him recently.

"I'm so worried about you, maybe you should see Amy at least one more time.." Darry insisted.

"No, I don't want to see her." I stated angrily, I should've used that tone with him but I was so angry.

"Okay, I can't make you go.." Darry said sadly and turned to walk away.

I should've apologized and there was my chance but I let it slip through my fingers like sand. I just watched him softly shut my door, knowing full well I hurt his feelings and he was trying not to show it. I figured I should go and get something to eat or maybe just get something to drink, I grabbed the glass on my nightstand in case I needed it. The water in the glass had a dead moth inside, I just watched it float around in the glass, slightly wishing I was the moth. I stepped out into the hallway and walked into the living room, I saw Dallas sitting on the couch and Johnny was asleep with his head on his lap. Dallas was slowly running his fingers through Johnny's black hair as he watched T.V. It was weird to see Dallas look so content, I don't think he really noticed me even when I briefly passed in front of him to get to the dining room. No one was in the dining room but then I entered the kitchen. My heart stopped for a moment as I noticed the red hair, I regretted leaving my room.

 _Two-Bit.._

I stared at him for a moment, all of my anger as began to boil within me and threatened to spill over. He looked at me and didn't do anything but watch me as I poured out my glass into the sink. I just needed a drink and didn't want to talk to him at all.

"Soda?" Two-Bit asked and slowly approached me.

My heart hit the floor as I turned the water on, I noticed my hand was shaking as I filled up my glass. I didn't want to talk to him, it would just piss me off and most likely make me do something stupid.

"Soda, please listen to me." Two-Bit pleaded and I snapped my head toward him.

I placed my cup of water on the counter and turned off the water, I turned my body toward him. I stared into his grey eyes, I didn't want to be so close to him.

"Why should I even tolerate you?" I asked bitterly.

"You shouldn't but please.." Two-Bit begged and I scoffed.

"What is it?" I asked coldly.

"I-I shouldn't of done that to you and Pony, I know what I did was wrong.." Two-Bit said and trailed off, he stared down at the tile floor.

"So? You can't take it back." I retorted, I didn't want to hear his petty attempt at an apology.

"I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix all of this but I am sorry..I really am.." Two-Bit said softly.

I wanted to hear his apology for so long even if it wouldn't make it better but hearing it for real made my anger boil over. I lost it, I couldn't keep it together anymore.

"Why should I forgive you? Why should I?" I growled and quickly rolled up my sleeves.

"Look what you made me do! This is your fault!" I yelled.

Two-Bit hadn't seen my cuts before and he stared at them in shock, he opened his mouth but shut it.

"No little bullshit apology is going to make this go away. Nothing you say can make this pain go away, you did this and look what it has done." I stated and rolled my sleeves back down.

"I know, Soda, please just understand I am sorry." Two-Bit said and I saw tears well up in his eyes.

Seeing those tears just made me just lose it even more, why was he the one crying? Why does he think he can cry in front of me?

"You're the reason why I can't be with who I want! You're the one that fucked up everything I had you piece of shit!" I screamed and pushed him.

Two-Bit stumbled backward but didn't fall over, he stared at me in shock.

"S-Soda-" Two-Bit mumbled but I cut him off.

"No, you listen to me!" I yelled as I stepped closer to him.

I was about to hit him but then I felt two different people pull me away, I began screaming and kicking.

"Fuckers! Let me go!" I yelled and tried to kick them.

"Soda, stop it." Dallas said sternly.

I knew to listen to Dallas, I didn't want him to beat me up at all or even be the one that would have to yell to get me to stop. I had heard him yell before and it scared the living Hell out of me to hear such a booming voice. I was breathing heavily as I continued to stare at Two-Bit, he stared at me in terror. No one had seen me snap like this before, I rarely got angry. I looked to my sides and saw Darry was one of the people that was holding me. He looked like he was about to cry, my anger quickly boiled down to depression once again. This was all my fault, this was all my fault...

"Darry, Dallas...let me go.." I muttered.

Dallas looked over at Darry, he nodded and they let me go. I stood silent for a moment, I had no anger left to put on Two-Bit, I looked behind me and saw Johnny and Pony staring at me in fear. I mainly noticed Pony, his eyes were wide and full of tears, I hurt him again.

"Pony..." I whimpered and slowly approached him.

I placed my hand on his cheek and he winced slightly, I knew I had scared him.

"I-I'm so sorry.." I whispered and quickly kissed him.

I turned to everyone and sniffled, trying to force back my oncoming crying episode.

"I'm so sorry!" I yelled and ran to my bedroom, my tears made everything blurry so I almost hit the doorway.

I was breathing heavily as I slammed my door shut, I stood there for a moment and felt my arms start to tingle. I needed to release, I needed to cut. I quickly moved to my nightstand and pulled open the drawer, I fumbled with the box as I pulled it out. I almost dropped it as I crawled onto the bed and opened it. I stared inside, my tears continued to fall and blur my vision. My heart was beating quickly in my chest, I needed that sweet release. I grabbed the cleanest razor and stared at it for a moment. I had an inner nagging feeling, telling me not to do it but my urges took over me. I went to make a small cut but my hand slipped and I cut way too deep. I noticed my wound bleeding more than usual, I began to panic and grabbed a tissue and pressed it to my wound. The tissue was instantly drenched in my blood, I didn't know how to make it stop.

 _You're gonna die!_

No, no, I couldn't. Not now, I just couldn't. My vision began to blur as I looked at my wound and saw blood was running down my arm and was dripping onto my jeans and bed. I ran to my door and ripped it open.

"D-Darry, help me!" I cried out, it sounded a lot quieter to me.

I stumbled into the living room and everyone stared at me in complete shock, even Dallas's blue eyes widened when he noticed my injury.

"D-Darry..." I panted and stumbled up to him.

Darry quickly picked me up and ran to the door, he didn't say anything as he ran to the truck. I heard everyone follow us outside, I could barely register things anymore. I suddenly felt my face was laying on the cool seat in the truck,I was laying on my side. I felt the truck shake when Darry started it.

"I-I'm sleepy.." I mumbled.

"No, don't you dare fall asleep! Understand me?!" Darry screamed, I knew to listen.

I forced myself to stay awake, my eyelids were drooping and it was so hard to keep myself awake or maybe I was trying to keep myself alive just for Darry because he ordered me too. The car ride felt so much longer, why was the hospital so far away? I felt him park and I slowly turned my head so I was looking at my older brother.

"Darry..." I slurred and felt him pick me up.

He ran into the hospital and I felt myself get shifted around into someone else's arms and then on a bed...I think...I don't know. I had no idea where I was being taken to and I have no one with me, I could barely make heads or tails of anything. I wanted Ponyboy to be here, maybe he'll get here later. I swear I heard someone screaming and it sounded an awful lot like Ponyboy.

"Pony...?" I mumbled before I completely lost consciousness and entered a dark, empty void.

 **A/N: All of you hate me, don't you?**

 **The lyrics to this song made me cry because it started playing as I was writing this..**

 _"Dear Sister, can you help me lie?_

 _I've told the truth so many years_

 _but no one seems to wanna hear it_

 _I'm not someone else inside..._

 _I've been along this lonely road,_

 _looks like I'm not comin' home_

 _but I don't mind..._

 _Please don't cry..."_

 _-Dear Sister by The Pretty Reckless_

 **My feels are wrecked..**


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13_

I couldn't see anything, everything was completely dark. I could hear muffled voices but couldn't make out any of the words, it was like someone had put a blindfold over my eyes. I couldn't speak or scream, it was like I was completely paralyzed. Was this what it was like to be dead? Laying in an empty void not being able to move? I could also hear hurried commands being made, I could barely remember that I was in a hospital. I hoped they could pull me out of this mess, I don't want to die, I want to live and be with my friends and brothers. I couldn't stop thinking of how badly my death would affect the gang, I don't think it would be the same. Darry and Pony would be completely devastated, they would lose three people they loved in just a span of a little over a year. I didn't want to break their hearts like this, I didn't want anyone to be hurt because of a mistake I made. Not Johnny, not Steve, not Darry, not Pony and even Two-Bit and Dallas. I didn't want them to have to watch me be put into a grave just because my hand slipped.

 _Please, God, help me..._ I softly begged.

I felt a strange pressure on my chest, over and over. I couldn't make out what they were doing to me, I couldn't really understand anything. I just wanted to live, that's what I was fighting for. Suddenly, I slightly opened my eyes and saw a lot of people standing over me. They flashed a light into my eyes and I winced away from it, their stares seemed to soften after I winced. They all moved slower than earlier, I didn't hear anymore panicked demands, they were just softly asking each other of things. I felt really tired but I forced my eyes all the way open, I slowly scanned the room. A woman noticed me and slowly approached me, she took a light grasp of my hand.

"You're going to be alright, honey." She said softly and slightly squeezed my hand.

I tried to speak but nothing came out, I simply looked at her and nodded slowly. She let go of my hand and went to help someone else that was in the room. I felt another person grab my right arm and stick me with a needle. I slightly jumped and stared up at them, it was a pretty young man. He adjusted the needle and some other things, he looked down at me. I gave him a confused look considering I still couldn't talk for some odd reason.

"I'm giving you some blood, you lost quite a lot of it from what your brother told me." He explained and I looked at him in surprise.

I knew I was bleeding more than usual but I didn't know I bled enough to need a blood transfusion. I saw a stranger in the doorway in a full green suit, moping up what seemed to be my blood. I couldn't see the trail but I was sure it lead to my bed and I looked at my right hand, there were blood stains on my bed and I had a bandage on my wrist. I saw my skin was pretty pale now, I had never really been close to pale before. I looked up at the ceiling and felt my eyelids get heavy, I heard someone snap their fingers.

"Before you fall asleep, sir, when would you like to have visitors? You already have six out there." The woman from earlier asked.

I guess Darry probably called Steve and told him to hurry down here, I'm sure he's going to be a mess when he comes to see me. I wasn't sure if I was ready to face anyone yet, especially all at once.

"Maybe after I wake up and only one at a time, I don't think I'll be able to face them all at one time.." I said and looked down.

"Alright, I'll go tell them right now." She said with a kind smile and walked away from my bed.

I sat awake for a moment longer, not quite yet feeling thankful that these people saved my life. I yawned and slowly fell asleep, it was the best sleep I've had in a long time.

. . .

When I finally woke up I noticed it was daylight now, I was surprised, how long did I sleep? I slowly sat up using only my left arm but then I noticed the needle was gone, I shrugged. I didn't see a clock or a calender, I sat in silent confusion. The woman from last night walked in and instantly took noticed of me being awake. She walked over to me and smiled.

"It's nice to see you awake, you slept for over twelve hours! I'm personally impressed." She said and softly giggled.

I stared at her in deep shock, over twelve hours? I don't think I've ever done that before. She took notice of my shock and sighed, she seemed pretty concerned.

"Would you like to see your visitors? Only one stayed, Darrel is his name, says he's your oldest brother." She asked.

I nodded, I really needed to see Darry. I needed to tell him how sorry I was about betraying his trust and how sorry I was about how badly I had treated him for the past month or so. I hoped he wasn't mad at me for all of this, I knew this hospital stay wasn't going to be cheap, I felt bad about it already. I felt really thankful that the doctors and nurses could save myself though, I didn't think I would make it. I looked up at this woman and just noticed what she looked like. She had light brown hair that was pulled back into a tight bun and rose colored glasses, she had freckles scattered all over her face like stars. I thought she looked rather young to be a nurse, she only looked twelve.

"Are you sure you're even old enough to work here?" I asked humorously.

"I get that a lot, I'm actually almost thirty, time flies." She said as she walked to the doorway.

"I'll be sure to tell your brother you're in a pretty nice mood along with being awake." She said before she left.

I was slightly nervous about seeing Darry, I wasn't sure what mood he would be in. I knew he didn't like hospitals all too well and this one was especially creepy to him. I simply waited for Darry, I didn't know what to expect from him, would he be mad at me? I didn't know what to think. I slowly laid back down onto the bed and stared at the ceiling, my stomach was twisted in a nervous knot. I didn't move at all for what felt like minutes, I didn't want Darry to be disappointed in me for what happened. I heard a soft tap on the door and I sat back up, I wish I could find how to sit this bed up. The nurse from before and Darry were looking at me from the doorway, Darry seemed to have a heavily uneasy look in his eyes. The nurse walked over to my bed and knelt down beside me.

"Sorry, dear, I should've adjusted your bed earlier." She said and I felt my bed slightly lift up.

"Is that good?" She asked.

"Y-Yeah, that's fine." I said nervously and she smiled.

"I'll leave you two alone to talk." She said as she walked over to the door and shut it behind herself.

Darry stared at the wooden door for a moment, he looked like he was deeply contemplating to himself. I gulped, waiting to be told I was an idiot and that I was needed to be put in some asylum somewhere. He slowly turned to me and I was shocked to see tears in my older brother's eyes, I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he slowly approached me.

"S-Soda.." He whispered and covered his mouth with his hand as he let a sob escape.

"Darry?" I asked as he moved his hand from his mouth.

"I thought I lost you, Soda, I thought I lost you for good.." Darry gasped and bent down, he pulled me into his strong arms.

I sat in surprise, I thought he would be angry at me for this happening, I just sat still in his arms. Darry pulled away and looked into my eyes, he had tears all over his face.

"Y-You're not mad at me?" I asked.

Darry shook his head, "no, no I'm not, Pepsi-Cola." He whimpered and sobbed some more into my shoulder.

"Darry, I didn't mean for this to happen, m-my hand slipped a-" I tried to explain but he hushed me up by putting a finger to my lips.

"No, don't apologize. I should've noticed you were so depressed, I should've known you were hurting yourself...I should've.." Darry trailed off and I saw another tear slip from his eyes.

I wanted to take the blame for all of this, I knew it was all my fault. Darry let me go and just scanned my face, I felt uncomfortable by his stare.

"Can I ask you something, Soda?" He asked, his voice had an unfamiliar quiver in it.

"Sure, go ahead.." I said slowly.

"Do..Do you blame me for not making you go see Amy? Is this all my fault? I didn't want this to happen, I didn't.." Darry said and sobbed once again.

I didn't know how to answer, I couldn't even force my mouth to open to articulate anything meaningful. He scanned me with a deep anguish in his eyes, I couldn't even begin to think how much he was hurting right now. I just didn't want to see Amy, it wasn't her fault it was my own.

"Dar, I just didn't want to see Amy..I didn't want to be told I was sick, I didn't want to lose Pony..I didn't want all of this.." I said and felt tears well up in my own eyes.

"You still love, Ponyboy, don't you?" He asked.

"I know I'm a screw up, I shouldn't be in love with him but he makes me so happy. My heart feels so warm when I have him in my arms, I feel so content. No girl has ever made me feel this way, they don't even compare to how Pony makes me feel by just smiling." I said and softly smiled from remembering Pony's smile.

Darry sighed, "Pony told me last night he still loves you and couldn't make anything else make sense. He was crying so hard I thought he was going to pass out."

I suddenly felt concerned about Pony, I hoped he was okay back at home. or wherever he was.

"I-Is Pony okay?" I asked.

Darry shook his head, "he's a wreck, he couldn't even get out of bed this morning without collapsing to the floor and bawling his eyes out for an hour." He explained and I sighed heavily.

I broke Pony's heart, I couldn't even imagine how he would feel if I had died. I wanted to see him but at the same time, I didn't want to see him cry on top of me. Darry softly pet my cheek,

"I don't know if you wanna see Pony but..I'm sure he's out there. I called him a few minutes ago and told him to get down here." Darry softly said and I could do was nod.

"You want me to send him back here?" Darry asked soothingly.

I huffed, I was so concerned about what reaction Pony would give me. I've never really seen him break down other than at our parent's funeral and when he got jumped that one time, he tried so hard to be tough. I knew he wasn't tough, he wasn't soft either, he was just being Ponyboy.

"Yeah, send him back here." I said with a fake smile, I didn't want Darry to worry anymore.

"He'll be back in a few moments, I bet he's going to run down here." Darry said with a soft chuckle as he walked to the door.

"I'll talk to ya later, Steve said he would be here in a few as well. I don't know when the rest will get here." Darry said before he shut the door.

I wondered what I looked like, I didn't want to look like a mess in front of Pony. I ran my fingers through my hair and combed through to make it look at least half decent. I hoped the bags under my eyes weren't too bad and there was nothing I could do about my pale skin. I sat in my quiet room, waiting for Pony so he could freak out and get it over with. I heard the door click and I snapped my head toward the door, Pony stepped inside and stared at the floor. His auburn hair was an uncombed mess and he looked rather tired, he slowly looked up at me. His eyes looked like they were drooping down his face from how many tears just fell down all at one time when he saw me. It broke my heart to see him so hurt and helpless, he started to take baby steps toward me.

"Sodapop..?" Pony questioned as he approached the side of my bed.

"Pony.." I softly replied.

Pony sobbed loudly, "Soda!" He cried and buried his face into my chest.

I softly pet him as he sobbed into my chest, he had practically climbed into the bed with me, I didn't mind though. He slowly pulled his head up and wiped his nose on his wrist, he was panting softly.

"S-Soda, I thought you were gone, I was scared I wasn't going to see you alive ever again." Pony sobbed and hugged me close.

I returned the hug and softly shushed him as a way to soothe him, his crying slowed some. Pony sat on my lap and stared down at me, I could barely handle the pain in his green eyes. I slowly ran my hands up his thighs to his hips, I missed touching him so much.

"Mmnn.." Pony softly moaned and I smirked slightly.

"I-I didn't know you're cutting was that bad, Soda.." Pony whispered as he grabbed my left hand and looked at my scars and rather fresh wounds.

"I-I lost control at some point and kept cutting, I don't know what took over me that time. I didn't mean for this time to happen, Pony, I didn't mean to hurt you." I said and my voice cracked mid-sentence.

"Come here.." Pony whispered and put his face close to mine.

"Oh, Pony." I breathed and deeply kissed him.

Pony softly moaned into our kiss and I wrapped my arms around him. Pony slowly trailed his tongue over my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to let him inside. He quickly violated my mouth but I returned the favor with my own tongue. Pony had the white sheets bunched in his fists as he slowly pet my tongue with his own, I moaned as I attacked his tongue. He slightly jumped but settled back down, he continued to make out with me. I was running out of breath so I pulled away, I was panting heavily.

"Pony, I missed you so much.." I whimpered as I softly nibbled on his ear.

"Soda..mmm.." Pony softly hummed as he buried his face into my shoulder.

I could feel myself getting a bit too excited so I stopped, Pony looked at me confused.

"I don't think we should do anything sexual here..maybe when I get home..well, that is if Darry let's us stay around each other." I said and hoped Darry would have some sort of pity on me and Pony.

Pony sat up, "I think I'm going to talk to Darry about it, I really don't want to lose you, Soda. The last couple of months have been pure torture for me. I would have so many nightmares but you weren't there to hold me and kiss me..I hated it.." Pony said softly and looked down at his lap.

I hoped Pony could convince Darry to let us stay together, I couldn't live without Pony. He was my future and it's going to be cheesy but, he's my everything. I slowly pulled him toward me again and deeply kissed him and just sat there, I just loved having his lips locked to mine. Pony returned the kiss and slowly ran his fingers over my cheek. I pulled away and smiled, I couldn't get enough of him.

"Soda, can I ask something?" Pony asked, he seemed hesitant,

I shrugged, "sure, why not?" I said.

"I read a book one time and it had something like this in it..do you think they'll force you into an asylum?" Pony asked slowly.

I froze and looked at him like he was crazy. I wondered if they would lock me up for the rest of my life for this, I wasn't sure how they treated these sort of problems. I gulped, feeling horrified of being locked up in an asylum.

"I-I don't know, Pony, I don't wanna be in one." I said quickly, almost tripping up on my words a couple times.

"I scared you, didn't I? I'm sorry, Soda.." Pony said sadly and faltered.

"No, it's alright, it was something I just didn't think about." I said and sighed.

"I think in real life they give you a choice, at least I hope they do." Pony uttered and ran his fingers through his hair.

Me and Pony sat in silence, the first silence between us in a while that wasn't full of awkwardness. He sighed and gave me a soft lustful look. I raised an eyebrow at him, confused on what he was thinking but it didn't look appropriate.

"Pony, what are you thinking?" I asked as he lifted himself up so pull the blanket off of my crotch.

Pony slowly ran his hand down to the brim of my jeans, I shivered from his touch but gave him a concerned look.

"I think we should wait, I don't want anyone to see us." I said quickly but he slowly ran his finger around my jeans.

"I don't care what anyone thinks anymore, you're mine and I want to show you you're mine." Pony said lustfully.

I blushed softly, it was weird to hear Pony speak in such a way. I quietly watched as he ran his hand to my pants button and undid it, he looked up at me.

"You want me to stop?" Pony asked, his tone aroused me so much I could barely handle it.

"No, please don't stop.." I panted in anticipation.

Pony slowly unzipped my jeans and placed his hands to pull my pants and boxers downs some. I lifted my hips off the bed for a moment so he could pull them down, he pulled them down and left me exposed. I was blushing softly, I couldn't help but feel so vulnerable. Pony gripped my erection and slowly rubbed it, he softly kissed me on the nose. I panted as he jerked me faster, I missed his touch so much.

"Pony, oh, God.." I moaned and clawed the sheets.

Pony softly smiled as he slowly moved down to face my member, I watched him in slight confusion. Pony never really gave me oral a lot, I always assumed it wasn't his forte and I never forced him. I slowly circled his tongue over my tip and caused me to gasp. He swirled his tongue over my tip over and over and I began to forget where I was and began to concentrate on the pleasure. He slowly began to slip my dick into his hot mouth and I slightly bucked my hips, it's been so long since I had been pleasured. I moaned loudly as he bobbed his head at a fast pace, I tangled my fingers into his thick hair. Pony suddenly deep throated me, I gasped really loud and tightened my grip on his hair. Pony moaned on my cock and continued to bob his head back and forth, I ran my fingers through his hair.

"P-Pony, yesss.." I hissed in ecstasy.

Pony pulled my member from his mouth and panted, he looked up at me. I saw the string of saliva that connected Pony's lips to my length, he slowly jerked me off.

"Soda..I need you.." Pony breathed.

"I don't know if we should.." I excused, I didn't want to be caught by anyone here.

"Ugh, I'm going to have to wait so long.." Pony pouted and slowly licked down my erection then back up to my tip.

"Aaahh.." I moaned and Pony snickered.

"I'm basically just teasing you right now." Pony said and slipped my erection back into his mouth.

I whimpered from feeling his wet, hot mouth surround my dick once again, I could barely handle it anymore. Pony knew exactly where to lick me, I was running my fingers through his hair once again. Pony moaned on my cock again and caused me to writhe beneath him, I was gasping and moaning.

"I-I'm gonna cum.." I breathed and felt a familiar warmth in between my legs.

Pony didn't stop, he just kept sucking me off, I grunted when I knew I couldn't hold back anymore.

"Fuck!" I gasped and came heavily inside of Pony's mouth, it was more than usual.

Pony swallowed all he could before he pulled my member from his mouth, some of my semen leaked from the corner of his mouth, I smiled nervously at him.

"Sorry, it has been a couple months since I've actually done that.." I admitted and Pony just swallowed what was left in his mouth.

"It's alright, I just didn't expect that much from you." Pony giggled and left a soft kiss on my lips.

I saw some of my cum was dripping down my member, I blushed hard knowing I had definately let out more than I needed to. Pony noticed my blush and softly brushed my bangs from my eyes, I looked into his green eyes.

"I can't wait until you can come home. How long will it take?" He asked as he crawled out of the bed.

"Maybe a couple more days, I think they have me under observation or whatever." I explained and sighed.

Pony kissed my forehead, "I love you, Soda. I hope you get to come home soon, I'll be waiting." He whispered as he walked to the door.

"I love you, too, Pony. I'll be happy when I get to come home." I said to him as he opened the door.

Pony smiled at me, "bye, Soda. I think Steve might be here in a few, he really wanted to talk with you." He said and closed my door.

I froze, I wasn't sure if I wanted to see Steve's reaction. I don't know if he would yell, cry or both, his emotions were so weird and I could never read him correctly. All I could do was wait for Steve to come see me, I'm sure the nurse would notify me before he was even allowed back here. It wasn't because I didn't want to see my best friend, I just didn't want to see him hurt. I hadn't really seen Steve cry all that much throughout our friendship but I knew seeing tears fall from his brown eyes made my heart break. I fixed my pants and pulled the blanket back over my stomach, all I could do was stare at the ceiling. I realized these few days were going to be so slow, I hated having to lay in one place all day. I thought maybe I could convince them to let me at least stand up so I didn't fidget like an idiot due to my restlessness. I heard my door open and I looked at the door, it was the nurse again. She approached me and I looked up at her, silently wondering what her name was.

"That was a long visit, I thought he would never leave." She giggled and noticed the sheets were a mess.

"You want us to fix those?" She asked and I shook my head.

"No, it's fine..what's your name?" I asked.

"Oh! I'm sorry I never told you. I'm so scatterbrained. It's Lisa Greene, just call me Lisa." She said with a friendly smile.

"Lisa Greene, you have a pretty name." I complimented.

"Thank ya, Sodapop is a unique name. I wish my parents were orginal like that." She said and sighed.

"Anyway, there's another visitor here. We're supposed to only allow family but your brothers told us it was okay. His name is Steve Randle, he said he's been your best friend since middle school." Lisa explained.

I sighed heavily, I guess it was bound to happen anyway. I knew Steve would get to me somehow even if he had to climb through the window to get in here, it was inevitable.

"Send him in, I know he won't take no as an answer." I said and chuckled.

"If you don't want to see him we can tell him you are tired or something. If he tries anything we'll just call security." Lisa said.

"No, it's fine. He's just really stubborn is all. Send him back." I said and she walked to the door.

"He'll be back in a moment." She said and closed the door.

I waited for Steve to get in here, I knew it would only be a matter of seconds. Steve always moved really quickly when his emotions were going and there was nothing that could block him from what he wanted. I let out a soft sigh, preparing myself for his reaction and his questions. I heard my door quickly open and I looked up to see Steve standing in the doorway, his eyes fixated on me like I had been gone for years. He shut the door and sort of slammed it, I winced.

"Steve, don't slam the door. I don't think they appreciate it." I said with a smile, trying to keep myself calm.

"Soda, are you okay? I've been so worried and I was scared you were gone and Oh, God.." Steve said quickly and softly touched my face.

"Stevie, I'm fine now." I assured and he sobbed.

"Soda, I should've done something, shouldn't I? I feel so awful." Steve whimpered but tried so hard to keep the tears inside.

"You can cry if you need to, it seems to be a theme today." I said in a slight humorous tone and he got down on his knees.

There was no rail on my bed so it was easy for him to just lie his face down onto the bed and sob heavily into the bed. I softly cooed at him to try and get him to calm down, I pet him slowly. Steve slowly lifted his head so he could look up at me, he scanned over my face.

"You look so sick, Soda.." He softly said and I was surprised.

I didn't know what I looked like at all, I bet it was the bags under my eyes, those wouldn't go away for a long time. Steve gingerly grabbed my arm and looked at my scars, he covered his mouth with his free hand. He ran his eyes over my forearm in silent shock, I just watched him in shame. He laid my arm down onto the bed and looked at me, I saw a tear roll down his face.

"Soda, I was so scared. I thought I had lost my best buddy in the world, no one could ever replace you and I just wouldn't be the same." Steve sniffled as he stood.

"I didn't wanna hurt you, Stevie, I just felt so trapped and lost. Everything seemed so dark and I felt like there was no escape, I could barely get the willpower to wake up anymore." I explained the best I could, I wasn't sure if Steve would understand.

"You could've talked to me! You know I'd listen!" Steve cried.

"I felt like no one would understand, I was hurting myself and I didn't want people to look at me like a complete moron!" I defended and sniffled, now my emotions were stirred up.

Steve paused and just sat in the green chair that was by the bed, he buried his face into his hands. He sat still for a moment, seeming to be thinking to himself. I didn't say anything, I just let Steve try and collect himself better. Steve didn't have a good grip on his emotions in these times of moments so I didn't get all that upset, I was used to it by now. Steve let out a huge sigh and stood back up, he walked back to my bed.

"Soda, I'm sorry, I shouldn't try and make you more depressed than you already are." He apologized and took in a shaky breath.

"S'okay, I understand." I said with a soothing smile.

"I-I know that you're not just going to stop. You need help, professional help. You need to tell Amy, maybe she can help you." Steve said, trying to help.

"No, I can't see her. I don't want to see her as a therapist again." I quickly said.

"Why not?" Steve asked.

"She was nice and all but I don't feel sick from me loving Pony. I could see someone new for it." I explained and he simply nodded.

"I just don't want to risk losing you again, the gang doesn't want to lose you." Steve said as he softly pet my cheek.

"I want to get better but I have a long road ahead of me." I said and felt nervous about my future.

Steve and I were quiet, I just couldn't force a conversation right now. I felt drained already from all the crying and what Pony did to my earlier, I yawned.

"You tired?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, I've been trying to catch up on sleep I've missed the last couple of months." I said with a friendly smile.

"I guess I'll get going so you can sleep, I skipped school today just to come visit you and make sure you were alright." Steve said and chuckled.

I forgot it was still in the middle of the week, I bet Darry even missed work just to come see me. I felt bad that I had messed up everyone's day just because I almost offed myself. I whimpered and Steve looked at me, I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

"Soda, don't cry. Nothing's your fault, the gang understands how hurt you are and how hurt Pony is by all this. Even Keith told me he wanted to try and talk with you now, it's all up to you." Steve cooed and wiped away my tear.

I actually wanted to talk to Two-Bit, I wanted to tell him sorry for how badly I treated him and tell him that I wanted to be his friend again. I knew it would take a lot to try and befriend him again but I was willing to take on the task.

"I'm sure I'll want to talk to him as soon as he can get here. I feel really bad about how I treated him.." I said while wiping away some other tears that fell, Steve ruffled my hair.

"I'll see you later, Soda." Steve said as he walked to the door.

"Bye, Steve." I said as he shut the door, he didn't slam it this time.

I was surprised by how Steve reacted, he didn't get all too riled up. I just felt tired, Darry, Pony and Steve's tears made me emotionally exhausted. I didn't like the fact that I had hurt them so badly but I wanted to make it all better, I had to see a therapist soon. I just wanted to get better, not just for me but for everyone else in the gang as well. They don't deserve to be stressed over nothing. I felt myself slowly slipping into sleep, I couldn't stop myself so I let myself fall asleep to take a nap.

. . .

I don't know what time it was when I woke up but it couldn't of been all that long, I yawned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I scanned my eyes over the white ceiling before I looked at the door because I heard it open. Lisa walked in and slightly jumped, her green eyes were wide as she walked over to me.

"You scared me! I didn't know you were awake, how did you sleep?" Lisa asked as her facial expression changed to a friendly smile.

"I slept pretty good, I haven't gotten a lot of sleep the past couple of months." I said and sighed.

"People usually sleep a lot here. I don't blame them, it's not like there's a lot to do." She said and and ran his hand over her white skirt.

"That reminds me of something..umm.. Lisa?" I asked and she looked at me.

"What is it, dear?" She questioned.

"Will they let me get up and walk around? I'm really restless and I don't like sitting in one space long." I explained and she shrugged.

"I would have to ask the doctor, it's all up to him on what you do." She said and I groaned.

"I just wanna go home." I complained and she pushed my hair out of my eyes.

"I know, I don't like having to sit in this place all the time. There's so many horrible things that happen here." She said and her eyes filled with sadness for a moment.

"I-I have another question." I quickly said, I hated to see her look so sad.

The sadness in her eyes faded and was replaced by a friendly look, her slight frown was now a smile.

"Do I have anymore visitors?" I asked.

"Yeah, there's two out there that want to go at the same time. Johnny Cade and Dallas Winston. You have a lot of people that care about you, you're very lucky." She said.

"Could you send them back? I'm still waiting for someone else to get here." I said and looked away from Lisa.

"Who is it? I can keep my eye out for them. Also, I'll talk" She said as she walked toward the door.

"His name is Keith Matthews and he has red hair, he also has grey eyes." I said and she nodded.

"I'll go get Johnny and Dallas, they will be here in a few moments." She said and left the room.

My visit with Dallas and Johnny wasn't overly interesting if you asked me. Johnny seemed to be a mess but didn't want to fall apart, Dallas stayed quiet and kicked at the floor a lot. I couldn't get a good look at Dallas but there seemed to even be some sort of sadness in his blue eyes. It shocked me to see even just a sliver of pain in those icy eyes, he refused to really look at me. Johnny didn't talk much either but he did seem super concerned about me by petting me a lot and asking if I was okay over and over. I would just smile and assure him I was fine. I talked with Johnny some and jumped when Dallas cleared his throat. I looked over at him and he was look between me and Johnny with a serious look on his face.

"Johnny, I need to talk to Soda." Dallas said and Johnny just looked at him.

"Okay." Johnny said and waved at me as he walked to the door.

Johnny walked out of the room and softly shut the door behind himself, I was left alone with Dallas. I closely watched him as he pulled a chair up to my bed, I winced from hearing the chair screeched against the tile. He plopped down into the chair and sat in deep thought for a moment. His eyebrows were furrowed and he was messing with the ring on his left hand. He heavily exhaled and refused to look at me, I was nervous about what he would say.

"Soda?" He asked, his voice sounded hoarse like he had been crying but I didn't dare assume Dallas had been crying in any form.

"Yeah?" I questioned and he groaned.

"Listen, I'm not good with mushy stuff and I know what I'm going to say may not make sense but whatever." Dallas said and ran his fingers through his blond hair.

"It's okay, Dally, just go ahead and say what you want." I said, trying

"I knew you were cutting yourself for a long time and," He paused and aggravatedly clawed his hair.

"A-And it shocked me if you want me to be honest." He finished, he was using a slightly sad tone, I had never heard him really speak like that before.

I waited for him to continue, he stared at the white bedsheets for a moment as he stroked his chin. Dallas opened his mouth but slowly shut it, he continued to contemplate. He cleared his throat and continued.

"Soda, you know I'm not emotional by any means but when I found out about this..I-I...I cried.." Dallas shyly admitted and I saw him softly blush in embarrassment.

I couldn't even speak, why was Dallas being so personal with me? I saw tears in his eyes for a moment before he quickly went to wipe his eyes, he sat back in his chair and let out a shaky sigh.

"I did something like you did...except I didn't go to the hospital. I used to hurt myself and one night, I cut too deep. I was only thirteen, I was so horrified. I was bleeding out on the bathroom floor and I tried to get my dad to help but he only called me a dumbass and left me there. I didn't know what to do, I was lucky I didn't die." Dallas said and let a sob slip from his lips.

I couldn't help but stare at him as he slowly broke down, he was panting as a way to hide his sobbing but I could tell he couldn't hold it together anymore. He broke down and began to cry into my bed, I didn't know what to do for him. I hesitated but I placed my hand on his head and slowly pet him, he continued to cry.

"Shh, Dally.." I cooed, slightly uncomfortable to see such a tough person completely lose it.

He lifted his head up from the bed and his tears shined in the light, he quickly wiped his face off with his jacket sleeve.

"Oh, fuck..I didn't mean to cry.." Dallas growled at himself.

"It's really okay, Dallas.." I said, trying to make him feel okay.

"No, I hate crying." He sighed heavily.

"Anyway, I just want you do know, I know exactly how you feel. I hate opening myself up so much but I'll do it for you since you need help. I'll listen when you want to talk but we'll have to be alone together when we talk." Dallas said and I sat silent for a moment.

"D-Dallas, I've never seen you like this before.." I said softly and he leaned forward.

"I know and don't get all that used to it, I'm trying to help you, are you going to let me?" Dallas asked with his typical serious tone and face.

I thought about it for a moment, not really knowing what to do. Dallas seemed really interested in helping me over this cutting thing but at the same time, I didn't want him to waste his time on me. Dallas likes to go out and have fun and I'm just going to hold him back from all the fun.

"I don't want to take you away from everything else you like to do.." I muttered and he scoffed.

"I've pretty much pissed off everyone I usually hang out with, I'm pretty good at that for some odd reason." Dallas said and chuckled softly.

I knew Dallas couldn't be a real therapist, I imagined Dallas as a therapist for a second and started laughing really hard. All I could see was Dallas with his hair combed back with expensive clothes on and I couldn't make the image leave my mind. Dallas raised an eyebrow at me and I tried really hard to stop.

"What's so funny?" He asked with a soft smile.

"I'm sorry, I just saw you as a therapist in my head." I said through my giggling and he rolled his eyes.

"I ain't smart enough to get one of those degrees or whatever." Dallas said as he stood up.

"You leavin'?" I asked.

"Yeah, I promised Johnny we would hang out today." He said and walked to the door.

"Hey, Dal?" I questioned.

He turned to me and I let out a soft sigh.

"Thank you Dally, I know you don't come out of your shell a lot but I really appreciated it." I said and smiled softly.

Dallas smiled, "it's not a big deal, I'll see ya later, Soda." He said as he waved at me.

I waved back as he stepped out of my room, I was left alone again. I was starting to hate being left alone but I figured I would have to get used to it. I didn't know exactly how long I would be in here but I really wanted to get out, the white walls were starting to get to me. I heard the door open and didn't bother to look who it was, it was most likely Lisa. I closed my eyes for a moment and expected Lisa to start talking to me but there was only silence. I was confused so I opened my eyes and jumped from who I saw.

"Keith?" I questioned and stared at him.

Two-Bit didn't do or say anything except stare at me with a deep sorrow in his grey eyes, he softly whimpered as he softly touched my cheek. I didn't really react other than continue to look up at him, I saw tears begin to brim in his eyes.

"I-I understand if you hate me, Soda but I had to express how sorry I am. I know I fucked up and what you and Pony wasn't my business but...but the incest freaked me out so much." Two-Bit sobbed and took in a deep breath, trying to hold himself together.

He slowly sat in the seat Dallas was sitting in earlier and buried his face into his hands, his shoulders shook with sobs. I couldn't really hear him sobbing and I know I should probably be pissed off at him but, I couldn't be happy over someone's tears. I reached out toward him but he quickly threw himself onto my bed and buried his face into my chest. He was sobbing so loudly I swear wo-Bit was echoing off the walls, all this crying was making me beyond depressed myself. I had never seen Two-Bit cry like this before, I've only seen him cry only a couple times before but it was over trivial things. Two-Bit slowly sat up to look at me and he quickly wiped his nose with his wrist.

"S-Soda, I didn't mean for you to almost kill yourself. I didn't want any of this...I didn't.." Two-Bit panted, he almost seemed like he was about to hyperventilate.

"Two-Bit, you need to calm down." I cooed and he started to take slow, deep breaths.

"I know it's a long shot but Soda please.." Two-Bit breathed and laid his head on my chest again.

"What is it?" I asked, just wanting him to be okay.

"Please, forgive me. I know it won't happen instantly but please think about it." He pleaded, his voice had a strange quiver in it.

I really wanted to forgive Two-Bit, I knew that his reaction to me and Pony's relationship was only normal. I should've known that most people, including Two-Bit, don't condone incest. I just expected everyone to just accept it and that was ridiculous on my part, I slowly ran my fingers through Two-Bit's greasy hair.

"I know your reaction to me and Pony was only natural and I don't expect you to just get over it. I'm always going to love Ponyboy more than I should and that's how it's going to be." I said softly and he stared down at my chest.

"I don't think I can completely get over it but it's not my buisness, it never was. So, do you think we can work on our friendship and make it better?" Two-Bit asked.

I smiled, "sure, I don't wanna lose you, Keith, you're too funny to lose." I said and he smiled.

"Thanks, Soda. I'll try my best to understand you and Pony's relationship." He said and slowly stood from my bed.

"It'll take a lot of time, Keith, but it'll be okay." I said, completely sure it would all be alright.

"I-I'm sorry for crying, I'm sure you've had to deal with enough of it today." Two-Bit chuckled and wiped his tears away.

I shrugged, "meh, I've kinda gotten used to it now."

"I think I better get going, I kinda snuck back here.." Two-Bit said and quickly walked to the door.

I smiled, seeing Two-Bit just be Two-Bit was pretty funny to me, he waved at me.

"I'll see ya later, Soda." He said while opening the door.

"Bye, Two-Bit." I said and sighed contently as he walked out and closed the door behind himself.

I sat still for a moment, today was such an eventful day for me. I didn't expect everyone to be so concerned and sad about what happened, my depression made me think they hated me. I knew I could get better but it would be a long battle against myself. I needed their help more than anything right now and I was excited to get better soon for the gang and Ponyboy.


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter 14_

A week, I have been in this hospital for an entire week. I'm beyond restless and they don't allow me to get up a lot, I don't know why. My legs barely work anymore because I haven't used them much and I'm getting tired of being here. I don't know why I have been here for so long, my wrists have almost completely healed up. All I did for the past week was stare at the ceiling, feeling every single second go by. Lisa was still nice to me and didn't seem to be tired of me, I'm thankful she was so caring. She walked into my room and was fixing some things up when I coughed to get her attention. She turned to me and smiled, she approached me.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I don't know if you would know the answer, but when do I get to go home?" I asked, hoping it would be sometime very soon.

She thought to herself for a moment, she bit her bottom lip but seemed to light up with an answer. She looked at me and pushed my hair from my eyes, it got in my eyes a lot for some reason.

"Hopefully tomorrow, sweetie, we're trying to find you a therapist for you to see for your depression." Lisa said and pulled her hand away from my hair.

I became very nervous about seeing a therapist again, especially after what happened with Amy. I wasn't sure if talking to professionals was my thing, I hoped it would work because I needed to get better. I hoped the next therapist I would see is just as nice as Amy was, I don't open up well to people that are cold and uncaring.

"Oh, there's someone that wanted to see you. She's not family of yours but your brother, Darrel, gave permission." Lisa said.

I wondered who else would want to come and see me, I looked at Lisa confused and I was thankful she noticed.

"Her name is Amy Brink, I think Darry said she used to be your therapist." Lisa muttered and continued to fix the room up.

I was perplexed, why would Amy want to see me? Maybe she wanted to see if I was doing alright or maybe she blamed herself? It wasn't her fault, it was my own. Amy tried her best to help me, I was just too stubborn at the time to allow her to help me. I wondered what I looked like, I didn't want to look horrible in front of her. I hadn't really looked at myself in a mirror recently but at a glance, I looked a lot better. I needed to see myself so I could make sure I didn't look like trash.

"Lisa?" I asked.

"Hmm?" She hummed and turned from the dresser that was in the corner of the room.

"Is there a hand mirror I can use? I wanna see if I look nice or not." I asked and she walked over to the nightstand at the right side of my bed.

"I should've told you there was some things in this drawer you might have wanted to use. Sorry, I'm forgetful." Lisa apologized and pulled out a grey hand mirror.

Lisa handed me the mirror and I took it, I hesitated to look at myself. I didn't want to look like crap so I looked at myself in the mirror, I was surprised by what my eyes were met with. The bags under my eyes had faded and were barely noticeable, I slowly brought my free hand up to my face. I ran my fingers under my eyes, barely able to believe how much better I looked. My depression definitely hadn't disappeared overnight nor did my urge to cut but being away from it all made me look so nice. I never thought I could look like I used to, the only thing I didn't like was the fact I had no grease in my hair. I had taken a shower the night before because they allowed me to and my blond hair was completely clean. I wasn't used to having no grease in my hair, I always managed to put grease in even when I was cutting. I was thankful that I was allowed to take a shower, I felt a lot better afterward. My hair was uncombed and was sticking up in various places, I never liked it when my hair looked messy.

"Would it be okay if I got up and fixed myself up?" I asked and looked over at Lisa, she nodded.

"Sure, go ahead." She said as she walked to the door.

I slowly sat up and swung my legs off the bed, I hesitated to stand. I remembered my legs didn't want to work properly but me sitting around won't make it better. I slowly stood and could barely keep my balance for a second, I simply stood in one place for a moment.

"I'm going to go get Amy, I'll be back in a moment." Lisa said as she stepped out and closed the door.

I went to the dresser in the corner of the room to retrieve the hair grease and comb Pony had brought me the day before. I missed Pony a lot while I was in the hospital, I always got happy when he came and visited me. He couldn't visit for long on weekdays due to school but I enjoyed every second. He talked about how excited he was about me coming home and he told me he talked to Darry about us staying together. Pony really liked to give me kisses and Lisa almost caught us one time, somehow I managed to play it off as a hug. She believed it and just went about her business, I didn't need to risk getting caught again. Pony was also telling how much he wanted me and it made me desperate for him, I couldn't even touch him until I got home. I shivered, I wanted him more than words could say.

I opened the third drawer down and pulled it open, I grabbed the grease and comb. I nudged it shut and made my way to the bathroom that was attached to my room. I opened the door with my free hand and stepped inside, I let out a heavy sigh. I didn't have to share the bathroom with anyone and I was thankful for that, it would be weird to share a bathroom with a stranger. I walked to the white sink and sat my stuff on the edges, I looked into the mirror for a moment. I definitely looked better, I wasn't as pale as I used to be. When I was cutting, I looked pale then but when I almost bled out it got worse. I ran my fingers through my hair and winced when I got caught in tangles. I grabbed my black comb and began to comb, it felt nice to be able to comb my hair. When I was finished, my hair kind of puffed up, that was about the only thing I didn't like about my hair. I grabbed the container of grease and pulled off the silver cap, I got some grease on my fingers and put some on my other fingers. I rubbed my hands together before I put the grease in my hair, I wanted to get every part of my hair. I ran my hands through my hair, lathering it in grease. I finished and looked in the mirror, my hair was a mess again. I chuckled softly at myself and grabbed my comb again, I styled my hair the way I always wore it. I fixed my hair now I needed to fix my clothes, I looked more like a homeless person than a greaser. I remembered Darry brought me some clothes yesterday, I walked out of the bathroom to get them. I looked around and saw no one was in my room yet, I quickly went to my nightstand. I knelt down and pulled my clothes from the shelf on the nightstand, I stood and went back to the bathroom.

I got dressed and I appreciated that Darry brought me my favorite clothes to wear. I was wearing a white T-shirt with some small stains, I can't wear white without getting stains on it. I had my orange plaid dress shirt that I used as casual wear, I always rolled the sleeves up to my elbows. My jeans were dark blue and I was wearing my black converses, I usually didn't wear my converses. I made sure everything looked normal and alright before I left the bathroom. I looked at myself one last time in the mirror and left the bathroom, I jumped when I saw someone in my room. I quickly noticed it was Amy, I first noticed her curly hair was pulled back into a bun. Her stray hairs curled and bounced as she walked to the chair by my bed. I nervously walked to my bed and sat on the edge, I didn't try to say anything.

"Soda? Are you doing alright?" Amy asked concerned and crossed her legs.

"Yeah, I'm doing alright." I said and smiled.

"You look a lot better." Amy said but there seemed to be some pain in her dark brown eyes.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked.

"Well, usually I don't ever get to see my patients ever again after they stop seeing me and I didn't expect you to end up in the hospital." Amy said and sighed.

"Yeah..I almost died." I said softly and she ran her hand over her lap and grasped her other arm.

"So, I guess my therapy didn't help?" She asked, she had a hint of pain in her voice.

"It isn't your fault, Amy, I was just stubborn and didn't want to listen to reason." I assured and she tapped her foot on the tile.

"I can't believe I didn't say anything when I noticed how tired you looked." Amy said and sniffled.

"Amy, I promise it's not your fault." I assured again and she simply nodded.

"Alright, I just wish I could've done something." She said softly and sighed.

"I'm getting a new therapist once I leave, I think they specialize in depression." I said and she nodded.

"I specialize in family stuff mainly." She said and I thought it was weird I never learned what she specialized in.

"I'm really glad you're doing better Soda and even though you're going to see a different therapist, I'm always there if you need to talk." Amy said as she stood, I just noticed she was dressed up.

She had on black nylon hosiery, a waist hugging skirt and a pink blouse, it was pushed into her skirt.

"What are you dressed up for?" I asked jokingly.

She smiled, "it's me and my husbands twentieth wedding anniversary today. I told him I had to stop by here to see how you were before I got home."

I smiled, I hoped I could be as happy as she seemed but with Pony in the future.

"Happy anniversary, Amy, and thanks for coming by." I said as she walked to the door.

"No problem, Sodapop, remember that I'm always willing to talk if you need to." She said as she opened the door.

"I'll remember, see you later." I said and waved at her.

"Bye, Soda." She said and closed the door.

I was glad I got to assure Amy it wasn't her fault that this all happened, I just had to be stupidly stubborn and not listen to anyone. I was excited that I was going to be able to leave tomorrow but my excitement was slightly interrupted when I remembered I had to see a new therapist. I had heard of therapist actually not caring if you get better or not. I just had to wait for what was to come to me in the future, I felt rather happy but also nervous. My depression had gotten a little bad while I was in the hospital but I had nothing to cut with when I got the urge to. The urges seemed to be stronger now, it was like I was subconsciously telling myself to get the job done and to do it right this time. I refused as well as I could but I just itched my arms really bad, sometimes I scratched till it bled. I only did that a couple times but I knew if I didn't see a professional it would get worse. I sighed and fell back onto my bed, hoping everything would be fine like I planned it would be.

 _. . ._

It was morning and I was smiling, it was the day I would be going home. I realized I didn't even know the date today was, I had no track of time at all. Lisa was letting me move around all I wanted today since it was my last so I got up and walked to the nurses station where Lisa was. She looked up at me and smiled.

"What is it, Soda?" She asked.

"Umm..what's the date today?" I asked.

Lisa looked over to her right and lifted up some papers, she looked back over to me.

"October eighth." She said and I sat in shock.

Today was my eighteenth birthday, I couldn't believe I was a legal adult now. I stared at Lisa for a moment and she looked at me in confusion.

"Is something wrong?" She asked concerned.

I shook my head, "no, today is my eighteenth birthday." I said softly.

"Oh, really? Well, happy birthday!" Lisa said and I smiled.

"Thank you, it sucks I have to spend it here." I said softly.

"It'll be just about an hour until you can leave then you can go celebrate it with people you like and love." She said and sighed.

"Lisa?" I asked.

She looked at me again and kept a smile on her face.

"T-Thank you for taking care of me while I was here and for being so considerate of what I was going through." I said and put my hands in my pockets.

"No problem, I try to make people happy while they're here. Hospitals aren't usually happy." She said and sighed.

I walked back to my room and sat on my bed, Pony said he would come see me before Darry got here to take me home. I wondered if anyone was going to do anything for me on my birthday, we usually celebrated everyone's birthdays no matter how old they were. I sat still, in shock that I was officially an adult. Darry wasn't my legal guardian, I was my own legal guardian. I wasn't ready to be an adult, I'm sure Darry would still take care of me for awhile. I realized Pony would be turning sixteen next year and then I would be nineteen, he's underaged. I didn't want to get in trouble for him being underaged because then I could get some bad rape charges on me. I shivered from the thought and tried to remind myself that Pony would never do something like that to me. I had heard of stuff like that happening before and it freaked me out. I would wait for years for Pony to be of legal age if I needed to, he was my one and only. It was weird how fate was so twisted that it lead me into being in love with my own brother, I couldn't help it. His green eyes always made me feel warm, even when we were kids. I really adored Ponyboy and always will, he always made me smile. I heard someone knock on my door and I looked over, it was Pony.

"Soda?" He asked and closed the door behind him.

"Hey, Pony." I said happily and patted the spot next to me.

Pony walked to the bed and plopped down next to me, I quickly kissed him. He returned the kiss and pulled me down onto the bed, I was ontop of him now. He smiled softly at me when I pulled away, I softly kissed him on the forehead.

"I'm glad you get to come home today, Soda." Pony said and ran his fingers through my greasy hair.

"I'm glad to be able to come home, I've missed you and everyone else." I said and softly kissed him once again.

Pony smiled when I pulled away and I returned the smile, it had been awhile since I saw him smile. He rubbed his nose against mine and I chuckled, he was so adorable. I lied beside Pony and held him in my arms, he nuzzled my chest. I smiled softly and sighed contently, I loved having him so close to me. I ran my fingers through his auburn hair slowly, he grabbed my free hand and held it.

"Hopefully we can still be together." I cooed and softly kissed him.

Pony returned the kiss and I pulled away, we sat still for a moment. I kissed him again and pulled away once more, I was trying so hard to keep myself from devouring him. Pony looked into my eyes for a moment and looked like he was going to say something, but he just pressed his lips against mine once again. Pony shyly licked my lips, asking for access inside and I instantly gave him entry. He softly licked my tongue and I moaned, I returned the favor with my own tongue. Pony whimpered and wrapped his arms around my neck, I wrapped my arms around his waist. Pony continued to make-out with me but he started to grind against me, I was getting way too aroused. I didn't care, I needed him close to me for just this moment. I let Pony grind against me for a moment until I realized we were in a hospital room, I motioned for him to stop. Pony stopped moving his hips and looked into my eyes, he was panting softly.

"S-Soda..." Pony panted.

"Pony, I don't think we should be doing anything sexual in here." I whispered and he sighed.

"Please? I need some sort of relief, Soda, it's been two months!" Pony whined.

"I know, Pony, but we're technically in a public area." I said and he groaned.

"S-Soda, please, please, I need you so badly." Pony complained and slightly grinded on me, I could feel his erection on my own.

"Fine." I said in defeat and stood up, I walked to the door.

I locked the hospital door and went back to the bed, Pony was sitting up. I deeply kissed him and softly pushed him onto the bed. Pony looked up at me with the deepest lust in his eyes and it was overwhelming but I couldn't take him here. I decided I would have to just tease Pony for now and hopefully be able to take him later. I placed my hands on his pants button and undid it, he panted softly as I slowly unzipped his pants. He kicked off his converses and lifted his hips so I could pull of his jeans and boxers. I let his jeans fall to the tile as I grasped his erect member and slowly rubbed him. Pony gasped and tightly clenched the bedsheets into his fists, he was moaning softly. I jerked him off faster and caused him to moan loudly, I stopped for a moment.

"Pony, you can't get too loud." I whispered and he slowly nodded.

I lazily made my way down to his cock, taking a close look to it. I missed being able to see it and I thought it was rather perfect, especially how it went to a deep shade of red on his tip. Pony shyly watched me as I slipped his erection into my mouth, he let out a slow, steady breath. I sat still with him inside my mouth for a moment, just taking in the salty taste of him. I began to bob my head up and down in a slow motion, he ran his fingers through my blond hair. I bobbed my head faster, causing Pony to arch his back in ecstasy, he tightly clenched my hair in his fingers.

"Fuck!" Pony gasped sharply and let out an elongated moan.

I pulled his member from my mouth and looked up at him, panting heavily as I picked Pony up into my arms.

"S-Soda?" Pony questioned and I placed his head on the pillow, I crawled on top of him once again.

Pony shyly looked up at me as I spread his legs and placed two of my fingers at his entrance. He sighed contently when he felt my fingers on his entrance, I needed to be inside of him. I looked at him, silently asking for permission and he nodded. I pushed my fingers into him and he yelped, I shushed him.

"Does it hurt?" I asked as I thrusted slowly.

"Yeah, it's been awhile.." Pony panted and clenched the sheets in his fists.

"Shh, I'll go slow, I promise." I cooed and left a kiss on his nose.

I continued to thrust my fingers slowly so Pony could readjust to the feeling, he slowly moved his hands to my shoulders. I smiled down at him and he tried to smile but was distracted by the pain. He whimpered and sobbed softly, I was beginning to get upset from seeing him this way.

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked and he shook his head.

"No," Pony moaned, "go deeper."

I obliged to his request and pushed my fingers deeper into him, he gasped.

"Soda!" He cried and covered his mouth.

I chuckled, "so, I'm guessing it feels better?" I asked as I thrust faster and harder.

"Y-Yes, oh Lord.." Pony panted and deeply kissed me.

Pony moaned into our kiss repeatedly and he seemed to refuse to pull away. I slowly trailed my tongue over his lips, he opened his mouth and I slipped inside. I tasted every inch of his mouth, it was even better that he returned the favor to me. We made out heavily as I finger banged him, I just loved having him moan into my mouth. He clawed at my shirt and pulled out of the kiss, he looked into my eyes. I looked back, getting a good look at what he looked like as we made love. His eyes were only slightly open and his lips were parted so he could release his precious moans. I missed this so much, I wanted to take him but I had to hold myself back.

"I-I'm gonna cum!" Pony exclaimed.

I pulled my fingers out of him and grasped his member once again, I quickly jerked him off. Pony mewled and heavily squirmed beneath me, he clawed at my arm.

"Ahh!" Pony cried and came, it on my hand, his shirt and his jacket.

I was panting from moving my arm so fast and I pulled my hand away, I crawled off the bed. Pony was panting softly as he slowly recovered from his orgasm. I picked up his jeans, boxers and converses from the floor and placed them beside him. Pony recovered somewhat and looked at his jacket and shirt, he groaned.

"Soda, I'm going to have cum stains on this jacket now!" Pony whined and I snickered.

"Get dressed, Pony." I said as I walked to the door and unlocked it.

Pony pulled on his jeans and boxers, he looked up at me as he slipped on his shoes.

"Can you at least get me some paper towels to get this off?" Pony asked as he motioned toward the cum.

I smirked, "yeah, I'll be right back." I said and walked into the bathroom to get him some paper towels.

I walked back to Pony and handed him the paper towels, he wiped off his cum. He handed me the dirty towels and I threw them in the trash can by the door, I sat down beside him on the bed. I pulled Pony into a hug and held him close to me, I could feel his heart beat. He wrapped his arms around my neck and we sat in silence, just holding one another. I put my finger under his chin and softly kissed him, he returned the kiss. We stayed that way for a few moments, I pulled away and smiled.

"I love you, Ponyboy." I whispered and sighed contently.

Pony giggled, "I love you, too, Sodapop." He said as he rubbed my back in slowly circles.

 _. . ._

It was officially time for me to go home from the hospital, I was really excited to get home. Darry came to pick me and Pony up and he seemed pretty happy about me coming home. All three of us were walking out of the hospital and approached the truck, Darry stood still for a moment.

"Pony, get in the truck. I gotta say something to Soda." Darry said and Pony gave him a confused look.

"What are you gonna talk about?" Pony asked.

"Just get in the truck." Darry said slightly aggravated.

Pony groaned and opened the door, he crawled into the seat and closed the door. I watched Pony scoot over to the window before I turned to look at Darry.

"What is it, Dar?" I asked confused.

"I need to talk to you and Pony later tonight about your relationship, it's taken me awhile to figure out what to do with you guys." Darry stated and slid his hands into his pockets.

I nodded, showing him I understood.

"Also, the gang is throwing a birthday party for you today. Happy birthday, Sodapop." Darry said with a smile and patted me on the shoulder.

I smiled and hugged Darry, he seemed to hesitate but returned the hug. He pat my back and I sighed contently, I was glad he didn't look so confused and depressed anymore.

"Love ya, Dar." I said and pulled out of the hug.

Darry smiled, "come on, Pepsi-Cola, lets get you home." He said as he opened the truck door.

I crawled into the truck and sat in the middle, I usually hated this spot but I was too happy to care. Pony looked at me and smiled, he softly took a hold of my hand. I squeezed his hand and felt eyes on us, I looked over at Darry. I gave him a nervous look but he simply smiled and continued to drive. I had good feelings about the talk me and Pony would have later tonight, being with Pony was all I needed.

 _. . ._

We arrived back home and I stared at the house like I hadn't been there in years. I squeezed Pony's hand tighter and looked at him with a smile, he smiled back.

"You look excited." Pony said and I nodded.

"I am!" I said and could barely wait for Pony to open his door and crawl out so I could get out.

I almost crawled over Pony to get out and then I almost fell to the dirt just trying to get out. Pony laughed at me but I didn't care, I was just so happy to be back home where I belonged. Though I had felt misplaced for a couple months, I realized I wasn't and that I was just doing it to myself. My friends were going to help me through my healing process and I knew it wouldn't be easy, my depression still haunted me. I speed walked to the front door and pulled open the screen door, I looked back at Darry and Pony. They had barely left the truck but I was already on the porch opening the front door, I didn't bother to wait. I barged into the house and Steve instantly tackled me, he strapped something to my head. I didn't get scared considering it was Steve but I did wonder what he put on my head.

"Happy birthday, Soda!" The gang all yelled in unison.

I felt like a little kid from how excited I was, I couldn't keep the smile off my face. I looked over at Steve and he smiled at me.

"These were the only hats I could find." Steve said as he motioned to the hat he was wearing.

"Happy birthday, princess?" I chuckled and noticed everyone else was wearing the same hats, even Darry and Pony were now.

Pony and Johnny retreated into the living room to talk and I was left with the rest of the gang. I felt someone tap me on the arm and I turned to them, it was Dallas.

"Dally?" I asked in confusion but her shushed me.

"Can I talk to you? Alone?" He asked and looked around and no one was really around us at the moment.

"Sure.." I said and walked down the hallway to my bedroom.

Dallas shut the door behind him and I turned to him, wondering what he wanted to talk about.

"Are you alright?" Dallas asked and he put his hands in his jeans pockets.

"I'm doing pretty well, Dal. Why do you ask?" I questioned and I saw him frown.

"Soda, I wanna show you something." Dallas muttered and pulled his hands from his pockets.

"What is it?" I asked, wondering what it could be he wanted to show me.

"I know I told you I used to cut but I want to show you I'm not making this shit up." He muttered as he started rolling up his jacket sleeves.

I stared in silent shock, why was he showing me his scars? He never opened up to anyone like this, it was scaring me to see Dallas unfold right in front of me. He held his arms out for me to observe like he was a test subject, he had his blue eyes squeezed shut and he had a soft blush.

"Go ahead, look, touch, I don't care." He said, he sounded really distressed.

I reached out to grab his right arm but hesitated, I didn't want to make him feel violated. I lightly brushed his skin with my finger tips and refused to go any further. He opened one eye and looked at me, he looked confused.

"I-I don't want to make you feel weird, Dallas." I stuttered.

"It's okay, Soda, I want you to touch them." Dallas said softly and closed his eye again.

I softly grabbed his arm and stared at his scars, some of them overlapped one another. I winced thinking he would cut over cuts that were still healing, he definitely had it worse than I did. His scars were all paler than he already was, I could barely make out some of the scars. They were ugly, there was no good way to put it, they were ugly. I knew my own scars would turn this, ugly reminders of who I was. I looked at my own arm and most of my cuts had healed, some were still healing. I returned my attention back to Dallas's arm and ran my fingers over the scars, I was surprised when I ran my finger over a bump. I looked closely and saw a particularly ugly scar, it was pretty bumpy. I ran my finger over it a couple times, wondering why this one was like this.

"That's where I cut too deep." Dallas whispered, I looked at him and saw he was looking at the scar.

"It's pretty ugly, isn't it?" He asked and ran his own fingers over it.

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer his question but I nodded, he sighed heavily and put his arms back at his sides.

"That spot where you cut deep is going to be like this one, I use my scars to remind me to never do it again. No matter how pissed off I get or how depressed I get, I will never cut again." Dallas said with a deep look of determination in his eyes.

"How did you get over it?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I just stopped but I know it's not that way for everyone." He said.

"I know I'm going to need help, I hope Darry threw away my kit." I said softly.

"Don't worry, he told me to get it out of here. It's in some garbage dump somewhere where you can't get it." Dallas said with a smirk.

"I still have suicidal thoughts too, I hope he locked up anything I could use to hurt myself with." I muttered.

"He had Pony and Johnny help but everything in places you couldn't find them. He even put the knifes up somewhere." Dallas assured and I sighed contently.

"The house is basically Sodapop Curtis proofed." I said and giggled.

"Yeah, we don't want you to hurt yourself again." Dallas said and I nodded.

"Ready to get back to the gang?" I asked and he nodded.

The party went smoothly, well, as smoothly as things can get with the gang. Two-Bit and Steve kept shoving cake into each others faces and Darry was too busy trying to get Two-Bit to calm down to notice that me and Pony were just snuggled up on the couch. We weren't inappropriately touching each other at all, we were just enjoying each others company. He talked to me about how school was going and how he passed a test he thought he was going to fail. I simply listened and ran my fingers through his hair. I would occasionally kiss him and he would smile, I held his hand tightly.

"I love you, Soda.." Pony whispered and pecked me on the nose.

I smiled, "I love you, too, Pony." I whispered back and nuzzled his neck.

Me and Pony were like that clingy couple that people always got disgusted with because of their clinginess. I liked to be near him to make sure he was always there. I would hold his hand a lot and I would kiss him a lot. We didn't show off in public but I would if I could. Pony looked into my eyes with the deepest love I had ever seen, it was meant to be. I don't care if this was the sin that would send me to Hell, I could sit there and say it was worth it for all eternity. Pony continued to talk about various things and I didn't say a word, I was just his listener right now. I was resting my forehead against his with my eyes closed, loving the sound of his voice. I slightly opened my eyes and looked at the corner of my eye, Darry was standing there. I pulled away from Pony and looked up at my older brother, the talk was near.

"Come on, guys, we need to talk." Darry said and motioned toward the bedrooms.

Pony and I stood and walked to Pony's room, he was practically surgically attached to my arm. I sat on the bed and Pony sat next to me, he held my hand tightly. I squeezed his hand, I could feel Pony shaking nervously.

"Shh, it'll be alright." I assured and he simply nodded.

Darry soon entered the room and closed the door behind him. He scanned over me and Pony and walked over to Pony's desk, he grabbed the chair. He picked up the chair and carried over in front of me and Pony. Darry took a seat and stroked his chin, his eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought. Pony looked at me nervously and I softly smiled, trying to make him feel better. Darry cleared his throat and looked over me and Pony. I sat silent and Pony cuddled closer to me, I didn't mind.

"It's taken me awhile to begin to understand you guys's relationship and I think I got a grip on myself. Darry muttered and sighed.

"It wasn't the smartest idea of mine to separate you guys and I know from seeing how heart broken you guys were. You never talked, never interacted, you didn't do anything with each other. I know it was stupid to let the CPS get to me so much but I didn't want to risk losing you guys. You understand?" He asked.

I nodded and Pony nodded slowly.

"I'm not going to do that again, I don't ever want to see you guys hurt like that ever again. I'm going to let you both stay together." He said and Pony sat up straight.

"What?" Pony asked in disbelief.

"We get to stay together, Pony." I repeated and he looked at me.

"R-Really?" He questioned and I nodded.

"Oh, my God.." Pony said and covered his mouth.

"I have a few rules though." Darry interrupted and Pony groaned.

I gave Pony a look to make him hush, he continued to nuzzle my arm.

"You guys can't be having sex as often since Soda is an adult now. We can't risk anything but I'll allow you to on birthdays and other special occasions." Darry said and I nodded.

"I don't care if you hold hands or kiss but do not do it in public." He said sternly.

"We don't do that anyway." I said softly.

"I know but I just want to make it clear." Darry said and I sighed.

"Once Pony turns eighteen, I don't care how much you have sex but please don't be loud." Darry said and I chuckled.

"No promises." I said jokingly and Darry smiled.

"I want you guys to protect each other and stay safe." Darry said.

"That'll be no problem." Pony said and smiled at me.

"I don't think I'll ever understand why you guys love each other so much but it's no one business but your own." Darry said.

We were silent for a moment, I didn't know what to say and I was so happy I got to stay with Ponyboy.

"That's all I needed to say, Soda, you can move back into Pony's room if you want." Darry said as he stood, he grabbed the chair and put it back in front of Pony's desk.

"I'll leave you guys alone." Darry muttered and walked out of the room, he closed the door behind him.

"S-Soda." Pony panted, I could tell he was already excited.

"Oh, God, Ponyboy." I gasped and deeply kissed him.

Pony returned the kiss and quickly went to unbutton my pants, I let him unbutton and unzip my jeans. He struggled to pull my jeans and boxers off so I stood up, kicked off my shoes and pulled off my jeans and boxers. I took hold of Pony's pants button and undid it while unzipping his pants. I desperately pulled his boxers and jeans off, he had already removed his converses. I didn't even want to do any foreplay, I just needed to take him like I've wanted for months.

"Soda?" Pony breathed when I laid his head on the pillows.

"Yeah?" I asked as I placed my member at his entrance.

"Be gentle." Pony whispered and I softly kissed him on the forehead.

"I will, I promise." I cooed, "ready?"

Pony nodded, "please, Soda." He begged.

I slowly pushed myself inside Pony and groaned, I missed being inside him so much. Pony gasped sharply and clenched my shirt into his fists. I bunched the sheets into my fists just from feeling how tight he was, it was hard not to release already. I thrust my hips slowly so he could readjust to the feelings, he groaned in pain. I shushed him softly, assuring him it would feel better soon. I thrust a bit faster and deeper, Pony yelped. I looked down at him and he looked up at me, he deeply kissed me and clawed at my back.

"Oh, Sodaa..." Pony moaned loudly, I didn't care how loud he got.

"Pony, fuck.." I panted and thrusted deeper, causing Pony to moan louder.

"I missed you so much, Soda." Pony whimpered as I buried my face into his shoulder.

I thrust faster into him, I needed the friction between us. I couldn't help but moan into his shoulder as he moaned everytime I hit his sweet spot. I pulled my head up and softly kissed him on the neck, he gasped.

"Ah!" Pony moaned and clawed at my back.

I began slamming into him, he screamed every time I slammed inside. I'm sure the gang could hear but I didn't care, it had been too long. I felt a familiar tingle in the bottom of my stomach and I groaned.

"P-Pony, I'm gonna cum.." I panted and he ran his fingers through my hair.

"M-Me too, Soda.." He panted as I slowed my thrust and went softer.

I didn't want to finish just yet but I couldn't go any longer. I gasped sharply and buried myself into Pony. I came heavily inside of him, grunting as I did so. Pony cried out and came, I felt it get onto my stomach. I pulled out of my brother and collapsed next to him, trying to recover from my orgasm. It had been a long time since I had one so I enjoyed it as long as I could. Pony was panting heavily along with me as he rolled over to face me. I looked over at him and smiled softly. We sat in silence for a moment, just recovering. Suddenly, we were clashing against each other again. I was so tired but I needed him so much. I placed Pony on his hands and knees, we had never used this position before.

"Soda?" Pony asked in confusion as I placed my tip at his entrance.

"Yeah?" I questioned.

"N-Nevermind." He whispered and I pushed my tip inside of him.

Pony gasped and bunched the sheets into his fists, I slowly pushed every inch inside of him. He buried his face into the pillow and moaned loudly as I started thrusting hard and deep into him. I had my hands placed on his hips as I fucked him harder, loving every noise he made. He began screaming my name at some point and had his face buried as deep as he could into the pillow to try and muffle his screams. I leaned forward and rested my head on his shoulder, I panted heavily as I moved a bit softer.

"S-Soda.." Pony panted and I placed my hands on his.

"P-Pony,mnn.." I whimpered and squeezed his hand with my own.

I loved being so close to him, I could do this for eternity. I just needed his love and I could live, he was my everything. I sighed in pleasure as I thrust harder into him.

"Mmmnnn.." Pony hummed and gasped.

"I-I think I'm gonna c-cum again." Pony groaned and I felt my orgasm take over me.

"Fuck!" I gasped and came inside of Pony once again.

I panted heavily as I slowly pulled out of Pony, I collapsed down next to him. He laid down beside me and hugged me, I held him close to me for a long time. Soon, we were in the throws of pleasure again, we made love for hours and hours it seemed. When we finally couldn't do it anymore, it was around midnight. I was so exhausted from all the orgasms I had and my hips were tired from moving so much tonight, I slowly crawled under the blankets with Pony. He yawned and I pulled him into my arms, I sighed contently.

"That was fun." Pony said and giggled.

I smiled, "it was tiring." I muttered.

"I just missed you so much and I kept wanting you even when I thought I was done." Pony said embarrassed and I chuckled.

"It's alright, I missed you too." I cooed and softly kissed him.

"I'm sleepy." Pony muttered.

"Let's get to sleep," I kissed him, "goodnight, Ponyboy, I love you."

Pony nuzzled me, "I love you, too, Sodapop." He whispered.

Pony fell asleep before I did, I just sat awake while running my fingers through his hair. I had Pony all to myself again, I smiled and kissed him on the forehead. I slowly drifted off to sleep with my lover in my arms once again.


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter 15_

I have been home for about a month now and I couldn't be happier to be home. I didn't like the hospital, it was to lonely and scary for me to handle by myself. I was overjoyed to have Pony back in my arms as my own again, even if we had to restrict ourselves more than before. I woke up rather early today too, something I hadn't been able to do in the past few months. It was bizarre for me to open my eyes and have the sun just barely over the horizon. I couldn't go back to sleep either so I just rolled over and listened to Pony breathe. I loved the content look on his face as he slept, I hadn't seen him look this calm in so long. I sat in bed for an hour and couldn't take sitting still anymore, I softly kissed Pony and slowly crawled out of bed. I tried not to wake Pony up, his eyes slowly fluttered open. He sat silent for a moment before he looked over at me.

Pony smiled, "Hey, Soda." He said, his voice was still tired sounding.

"Hey." I said softly as I went to get dressed.

"Isn't today your appointment?" Pony asked and yawned, he slowly sat up.

I slowly nodded, I was dreading my appointment since it was made. I sighed heavily and walked to me and Pony's closet.

"Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it." I admitted as I pulled out a black long sleeve shirt.

"Soda?" Pony asked while he slowly stood from the bed and walked over to me.

"Yeah?" I questioned as I turned to him curiously.

"Why do you keep wearing long sleeve shirts?" He asked.

I froze, I didn't want to answer his question. I was really ashamed of my scars and I didn't want anyone to see them, my excuse was the changing seasons from Autumn to Winter. He waited for me to say something and I could barely force my mouth open. I didn't like to talk about my cutting, not when I wasn't quite over it yet. I still felt my arms itch sometimes and I would frantically look around the house for something to cut with. I never found anything, they hid anything sharp and dangerous. I got so desperate I tried to sharpen a toothbrush like a prison shank, I think I scared Darry that time. He heard me muttering swears to myself in the bathroom while I hopelessly rubbed the handle on everything. His eyes filled with a familiar sadness when he ripped the toothbrush from my hand and all I could do was call him names until I calmed down. I was bunched into a tight ball by the bathtub, he slowly knelt down and held me. I screamed, trying to get away from him but I slowly gave up. I think I began sobbing into his chest, I was a mess. He helped me clean myself up and didn't really leave my side. I was on leave from work after my hospital stay for a couple weeks, Two-Bit stayed with me a lot to make sure I was safe. I flipped out on Two-Bit a couple times too, I remember one time he was trying to stop me but I punched him in the nose.

I was having another episode in the living room, I was frantically looking for something to cut with. Two-Bit was following me all the way through the entire house and kept trying to grab me, I would just moved quicker.

"Soda, you gotta calm down." Two-Bit said and got a grip of my wrist.

I snapped my head toward him and violently tried to away from him. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to get me away from him, I didn't know I could disconnect from reality so badly. I struggled for a long time when I saw the sunlight shine off of something in Two-Bit's pocket. My eyes locked onto his knife and I instantly went for the knife.

"Soda, no!" Two-Bit yelled and threw me down onto the floor.

I gasped from hitting the floor, I groaned and rolled around a bit. I was beyond livid at that moment. I jumped up and threw a few punches, only one hit Two-Bit though. I heard him yell when I hit him but he didn't stop fighting with me. I kept reaching for the knife and at some points I think I was just fondling him while trying to grab it. He finally had me pinned to the carpet and I was squirming beneath him. I kept calling him every profane word I knew, over and over, he never let me go. I don't know how long he just sat on me when I finally gave up. I was panting, slowly connecting back to reality when he let me go.

"Shit, you got me good, Soda." He muttered and covered his nose.

I slowly sat up and looked up at the damage I had done. Blood was dripping heavily down his chin, his neck and on his shirt. I felt awful and I wondered if I broke his nose. I stood up quickly and slowly approached him. He didn't seem scared of me, he watched me closely and put his hand over his knife. I felt extremely sorry for what I did, I didn't know exactly what to do.

"D-Did I break it?" I asked softly and he chuckled in a grim fashion.

"Nah, just got me pretty good." Two-Bit muttered.

I saw some blood get into his mouth as he spoke, it made me shiver. Two-Bit walked down the hallway to the bathroom, I followed right behind him. I got him a rag and put cold water on it, I handed it to him.

"I am so sorry, I-I can't control myself sometimes.." I admitted and looked to the floor in regret.

"I've had worse, I promise it's alright." Two-Bit assured me and I nodded.

"Soda?" Pony asked and waved his hand infront of my face.

I jumped and stared at him for a moment, unable to really speak for a moment.

"S-Sorry, what did you ask me?" I asked.

Pony smiled softly, "why do you keep wearing those long sleeves?" He asked.

"O-Oh.." I stuttered, I wasn't sure if he would even understand my answer.

Pony frowned, he could easily read me like an open book. He seemed to be able to do that with everyone, even Dallas. Pony slowly took a hold of my arm and pulled up my sleeve, he investigated my forearm.

"No new cuts.." He muttered and looked at me confused.

I didn't know how to answer. I didn't like to show my fresh scars to anyone, not even myself. They were ugly, they were macabre reminders of who I was and who I continue to try and be. My arms were covered, my thighs were slightly scarred, I hated looking at my body. When me and Pony would be intimate in anyway, I refused to ever get naked. My fear of him seeing my scars helped me not sleep with him like Darry said, we occasionally had our moments. It wasn't full on sex, maybe oral or fingering on the occasion. I hated to break Darry's rules but we were teenagers, hormones suck sometimes. I refused to be naked, I hated having to take showers. I refused to look down at my body, I cleaned myself while looking straight ahead. I hadn't shared my hate for my body to anyone, I figured no one could understand how a man could hate his body. I used to think I was rather confident but my depression has sunk me so low, lower than the lowest point in the ocean.

"I-I.." I mumbled, the rest of my words stopped up in my throat.

Pony was as quiet as night as he patiently waited for me to say my words, I felt like I was choking. I opened my mouth and let it hang open, I looked like an idiot. I rolled my sleeve back down and looked down to the wooden floor, I didn't want to say anything while looking into those beautiful green eyes.

"I-I hate my body, Pony..I hate it.." I said softly and sniffled.

"Hate your body?" Pony asked.

"All these scars make it hard, they're just ugly reminders, reminders of what I was...who I try to be still.." I trailed off and looked up at Pony.

"You hate looking at your arms?" He questioned.

"N-No, the entire thing, I don't know. I think I'm not good looking enough, I feel like trash still and I know I have my good days but...but shit.." I quivered and buried my face into my palms.

"Soda.." Pony said soothingly and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"You're beautiful, Soda, your body is amazing and so are you. I know I'm not a professional, but you really are getting better. I believe in you." Pony said and moved my hands.

"Pony?" I questioned before he pressed his lips to mine.

Pony deeply kissed me for a moment before slowly licking my bottom lip, I hesitated but gave in to him. I slowly opened my mouth to him and let him slip his tongue inside. I moaned and slightly noticed he was pushing me toward the bed, I became confused. He pushed my onto the bed and he crawled ontop of me, it was some weird role reversal. I didn't think Pony could be dominant, it just didn't seem like him. He looked down at me with a deep burning lust in his eyes, I blushed from just seeing how heavy the lust was.

"Soda, I wanna prove I think you're beautiful.." He trailed off and trailed his had down to my pants button.

"How are you gonna do that..?" I teased and he chuckled.

"You'll see." He muttered while unbuttoning my pants with one hand, he slowly unzipped them.

I let him do whatever he wanted to me, I trusted him enough. I whimpered as he slowly pulled off my jeans, I didn't want myself to be exposed. I couldn't hide in the darkness of the night, there was sunlight surrounding me at all four corners. He got me naked from the waist down and ran his hands over my inner thighs, I shivered from his touch. He had never touched me like this, it was usually me doing all the sensual touching. He moved down and left soft kisses down my thighs until he was facing my member, I couldn't stop blushing.

"P-Pony..?" I asked, expecting a blowjob.

I jumped slightly when I saw him undo his pants and pull out his own member, I instantly got what he wanted.

"P-Pony!" I exclaimed and he softly shushed me.

"Shh, Soda, let me show you I really love you. Have you had this done to you before?" Pony asked while putting his face near mine, he was prodding my entrance.

I slowly shook my head, I wondered if we had anything to use for lube. I was shaking from nervousness and fear, I slightly opened my mouth. Pony noticed me shaking some and he pulled away.

"You want me to find something that'll make it go along smoother?" He asked and I nodded quickly.

Pony walked over to the nightstand and opened the drawer, he grabbed a tiny container of lube. I stared at it for a moment, wondering where and how he got a bottle. I gave him a confused look when he returned to me, he sighed heavily.

"I convinced Dallas to buy me a bottle, he was wasted as Hell when I convinced him." Pony muttered and opened the bottle.

I became somewhat relieved now that we had something that would make it all go better, my nervousness didn't go away though. I wasn't used to being bottom, it was all foreign to me. I watched as Pony rubbed some lube onto his member and then put the remainder onto my entrance. He placed himself at my opening once more and I whimpered. Pony was holding him self over me and was looking down at me, I had my legs around his waist.

"Ready?" He breathed and pushed his hips forward a bit. I felt him slightly push in just by that motion, I bit my bottom lip.

"Y-Yeah.." I muttered and closed my eyes.

Pony slowly pushed every inch inside of me, I gasped from the pressure. He sat still once he was buried within me, he looked into my eyes.

"Oh, god, Soda!" Pony exclaimed and thrusted slowly into me.

I panted heavily in slight discomfort, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He kept his movements slow and steady, his sensualness was driving me insane. He softly kissed me and I moaned into our kiss, he pulled away with a smirk on his face.

"Ya like it?" He asked and I nodded slowly.

"Yess.." I hissed and clawed heavily at the blanket beneath me.

Pony thrust harder into me and I moaned loudly, I instantly shut myself up. I knew Darry wouldn't want us doing this so I tried to keep my noises quiet and soft. All of a sudden, he pulled out of me and flipped me over. I was bent over on the bed and I was confused.

"P-Pony!" I exclaimed in surprise but then he pushed back inside.

"Aaahh..." I gasped and buried my face into the mattress.

He began slamming into me, causing me to curl my fingers into my hair and scream into the blanket. I couldn't handle the pleasure, everytime he hit that one spot, I would lose it. I don't think I had ever felt this good in my life, I couldn't even think straight from how good I felt. Pony wrapped his arms around my waist and fucked me deep and hard, I slightly pulled my face up. I had drool running down my chin and my eyes were half open, I don't think I was even seeing what was in front of me. He slowly trailed his hand down to my cock and started rubbing me, I mewled.

"Oh, Ponyboy Curtis!" I cried and buried my face into the bed again.

"Sodaaa.." Pony moaned and whimpered softly.

"I-I think I-I'm gonna..I'm gonna.." I stammered, unable to speak properly.

"I'm gonna cum, Soda!" Pony cried and thrusted deep and slow into me.

I felt my mind slip from me and I came, I weakly groaned as I released all over Pony's hand and the bed. Pony buried himself as deep as he could and came inside of me, it felt nice. He slowly pulled out and I felt his semen leak out of me, I felt it run down my leg. I whimpered in slight embarrassment, I just heard Pony chuckle.

"Let me grab a towel for you." He said soothingly and I slightly stood up.

Pony was gone for a few moments but returned with a green towel, he handed it to me.

"Clean up, you got an appointment today." He teased.

I couldn't even answer, Ponyboy just dominated me and I liked it! I was shocked to see Pony be able to take control like that, I bet me and him would be fighting over top now. I shrugged, thinking it wouldn't be that big of a problem. Pony and I got ourselves fixed up, I knew I would get my revenge at some point.

"Pony, I hope you know what you did comes with consequences." I teased and he sighed.

"I figured it did, I'll be ready for whatever you throw at me." He said with a smile.

"Oh, really?" I asked and he smirked.

"Yeah, really." He said while returning a smirk.

. . .

It was an hour before my appointment and I decided to take a shower. I dreaded it but I knew I couldn't look dirty in front of a professional. I was collecting the clothes I would wear; a long sleeve shirt of course, jeans, and my converses. I knew it wasn't exactly my most professional outfit but I didn't want to over dress. I walked to the bathroom and shut the door, I made sure to lock it so no one barged in. I turned the water on and got it to a comfortable temperature, I began to peel off my clothes. I noticed I had a bit of a cum stain on my boxers, I groaned.

"Damn it, Ponyboy." I mumbled but then snickered.

I put my dirty clothes in a pile and put my clean clothes on the counter, I looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn't bothered to put grease in my hair today, I shrugged.

I'll put some in when I dry my hair. I thought as I stepped into the tub.

I was about to clean myself when I accidently caught a glance of my forearm.

Don't look, don't look, don't you dare look!

My eyes focused on my scars and I couldn't take my eyes off of them, my arms began to tingle like before.

Sodapop Patrick Curtis, for the love of God!

I peeled my eyes from my arm and tried to just wash my body. I avoided my arms as long as I could but I couldn't do it any longer. I began washing my arms and the tingling got worse, they were begging, begging for a razor I didn't have. My nails slightly brushed against my forearm and it caused the tingling to turn into painful itching. I tried to keep my arms at my sides but I began itch heavily at my arm, I was panting like a wild animal. I tried to stop by holding my hands together but they would unwind and end up scratching my forearms again. I managed to clean my hair while my arms were having a spasm, I don't know how I did it. I stumbled out of the tub and began searching everywhere for something sharp, I ripped open the medicine cabnit. I stared at all the contents inside, there were no razors. I growled and slammed it shut, I was desperate. I couldn't do the toothbrush thing again, Darry took my toothbrush and wouldn't give it to me except when I needed to brush. I became angry at Darry and slowly began to get dressed.

I walked out of the bathroom with a scowl on my face, my arms burned for the razor. I walked into the kitchen and ran into Dallas while trying to find a knife. He seemed to know exactly what I was trying to do, he calmly took me into the living room and sat me down onto the couch.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"Looking for a knife...?" He asked, I was pissed he knew how to read me.

"No, in fact, I wasn't." I lied, I knew it was stupid to try and lie to Dallas Winston.

Dallas chuckled and he looked slightly entertained by my lie, I felt like I was being ridiculed.

"Fuck you!" I exclaimed.

"Cutting withdrawals are a bitch." Dallas muttered and shook his head.

I didn't want to talk to him, I wanted to just get ready for my appointment.

"Look, Soda, I know you're going to need someone else to talk to besides a therpaist. It's time to say something to me." Dallas said.

I scrunched my face up, Dallas was a prick and I thought he was lying about listening to my problems. I looked into his eyes and somehow held contact, he just returned the sentiment.

"Dallas, I have nothing to say." I stated and pouted like a child.

"Alright, Soda, talk to me when you're ready." He muttered and stood up.

I watched him walk back into the kitchen and I almost instantly regretted the chance I had let go of. Dallas was trying to help me, that's all he was trying to do. My urge was burning off and I realized how big of an asshole I was to Dallas. I thought about apologizing but I don't think Dallas appreciated apologies. I just sighed heavily and stood, I walked into the kitchen. I saw Dallas leaned against the counter drinking a beer, I walked up to him.

"I'm sorry, Dally. I've been having some horrible withdrawls.." I admitted and he shrugged.

"Eh, I didn't really expect you to just instantly calm down." Dallas said and took a drink from his beer.

"I'll say something one day, today just isn't a good day." I muttered and Dallas nodded.

"I had withdrawls, I thought I was going to die. It didn't help I always had my knife on me incase someone started shit, I would just stare at it for hours. It almost seemed like it was begging me to do something stupid." He said and rolled his eyes.

I simply nodded, I didn't know how to respond.

"You're lucky we Soda-proofed this house, with withdrawls, you just cut over and over, almost to the point where your skin looks a lot like a surgery wound." Dallas muttered and ran his eyes over his jacket covered forearm.

"Yeah..." I muttered.

"Look, if this professional doesn't work, I'll try my best to help. No promises that I'll actually help." Dallas said and I nodded.

"Thanks, Dal." I said with a smile and he smiled back.

"No problem, you better get ready." Dallas said and I nodded.

I walked out of the bedroom and went back to the bathroom, I towel dried my hair the best I could. I grabbed my grease and applied some to my hair, I styled it with my comb. I was personally surprised Darry didn't take my comb, he probably will when I try to turn it into a prison shank. I sighed and looked at my reflection, I tried to think positively of myself. I walked out of the bathroom and went to the bedroom to put my shoes on, Pony wasn't at home at the moment. He said something about hanging out with Johnny today and I just okay. I got my shoes on and noticed Darry was standing in my doorway, he had a slight smile on his face.

"You ready?" Darry asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so." I muttered.

Darry walked out of the doorway while I made sure I had everything I needed, I sighed heavily. I shuffled down the hallway to the front door, Darry was out in the truck already. I looked back into the living room and saw Dallas on the couch. I looked at him and he smiled softly, he waved at me and I smiled. I stepped outside and shivered from the cold, I walked to the truck. I crawled inside and buckled myself in, I slumped in my seat. Darry started the truck and looked over at me.

"Sodapop?" Darry asked.

"Hmm?" I hummed, I felt tired.

"If this doesn't go well, tell me." Darry muttered and began to back out onto the street.

I sighed, "I will, I'm sure it'll go pretty smoothly." I muttered.

The ride wasn't all that interesting, I noticed the transition from Greaser territory to Soc territory. It was weird how it just abruptly changed, you saw less run down houses and saw more expensive houses, like the ones you see on T.V. I didn't like to be in this area but I had to see someone who would help me. I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with my problems on my own, I would kill myself before I could help myself. I had no idea where to begin, I never felt as down as I was. Usually when things were going wrong, I was going right, I just wanted to be happy. Happiness used to be such a simple goal but now it felt like I needed to climb a mountain to achieve any sort of happiness. Maybe this new therapist will help me be able to be happier without the hassle I've had. I noticed that we had parked and I looked around a bit, I saw we were at the same building Amy worked at. I slightly wondered if I would see Amy at all while I was here, I shrugged and opened my door. I stepped onto the sidewalk and followed behind Darry into the building. I instantly felt the warm air engulf me and it felt really nice, I kinda wished I didn't wear my long sleeve shirt. I shook my head, knowing that would just expose myself way too much. Darry talked to the receptionist for a moment and then slightly nudged me toward the waiting room, I took a seat. I felt relatively calm now that I was here, I glanced over at Darry.

I noticed he had a rather serious look on his face, he was chewing on the inside of his bottom lip like he was nervous himself. I knew he just wanted me to get better and I was going to try the best I could to get better. I didn't like to see anyone in the gang look so sad about me, I wanted to see everyone happy. I smiled slightly to myself, I knew I could get better. I was nervous about my future but at the same time, I was excited. I was going to heal, I was going to love Pony and be happy again. I sighed contently and felt Darry nudge me.

"I think that's your new therapist." Darry muttered and motioned toward the door.

I looked up and saw a rather beautiful woman standing in the doorway, she looked a lot like a model. She had pale skin and bright red lipstick on, I couldn't really see her eyes.

"You better not hold her up, she looks like she's getting impatient." Darry said softly and I stood up.

She was tapping her foot on the floor and had her arms crossed under her bust, I walked up to her. She looked up at me for a moment, she was definitely shorter than Amy, she only reached a little passed my shoulders.

"How are you today?" She asked while she led me through the doorway.

"I'm doing pretty good.." I muttered nervously.

She lead me into an office that looked similar to Amy's, the only things that were different were pictures and other decorations. I plopped down into one of the small leather chairs while the therapist took a seat in her huge chair. She was awfully tiny and I thought the chair was gonna eat her up, it made me chuckled a little. She didn't notice and scooted herself up to her desk, she looked me over.

"You're name is Sodapop Curtis, correct?" She asked and I nodded.

"I've never seen that name before." She muttered and wrote my name on a piece of paper.

I shrugged, "my parents were creative, my little brother is named Ponyboy." I said and she smiled slightly.

"I've heard of him before, one of my relatives is one of his teachers. She says he is very smart but doesn't use common sense often." She said and I sighed heavily.

"Yeah, sounds like him." I said and twiddled my thumbs.

"From your records, I saw you used to see Amy Brink, correct?" She asked.

I nodded, "I saw her for about a month." I admitted.

"She's pretty good at her job, we don't agree with each other a lot but I don't doubt her skills." She muttered while getting a sneer on her face.

I sat silent, I wondered if her and Amy were like enemies of some sort. I hoped not, I didn't want to get caught up in the middle of some drama. She wrote down Pony's name and sighed.

"I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Quien Crouge." She said with a blank look on her face.

I saw her eyes were black orbs, it freaked me out. She wrote something else on her paper before looking back to me. She had jet black, curly hair and was wearing a black and white suit.

"Okay, I don't want to get into anything deep today, Sodapop." Quien said.

"You can call me Soda if you wanna." I said with a smile.

"Okay, Soda, I just want to get to know you some is all. I know I seem intimidating, this is just how my face looks." She said with a humorous smile.

I did notice she looked rather angry or upset about something, it made me nervous about talking to her. I knew Darry had natural angry look on his face even if he wasn't upset about anything, I shrugged.

"That's alright with me." I muttered.

"Okay, I'm sure Amy probably asked you some of these." She said and pulled out a paper that had cursive writing on it.

"How old are you?" She questioned and grabbed her pen.

"I'm eighteen now, my birthday was October eighth." I said with a smile.

"Ah, just turned eighteen? That's cool." She said and wrote down my birthday and age.

"Pony is your brother, correct?" She asked.

"Yeah, he's fifteen and his birthday is July twenty-second." I said and she nodded.

"I don't even know my sisters birthday, are you and Pony close?" Quien asked.

I was quiet, I definitely didn't want to talk about me and Pony's relationship. Here in this office, we were nothing more than brothers with a close bond, maybe a little closer than it should. I nodded and sighed softly, me and Pony had been through a lot together.

"We've always been close, it's been pretty rough through the past year or so." I admitted and she nodded.

"What happened?" She questioned while scribbling something down.

I wasn't sure where to start to be honest, mom and dad died a little over a year ago now, my depression and cutting and Pony and Darry's arguments. I opened my mouth but quickly shut it, unsure where to start. Quien sat silent and patiently, she sat her pen down on her wooden desk. I felt like I was holding up progress, I gulped.

"S-Sorry, a lot has happened this year." I said and scratched the back of my head.

"Let me help you some, what was the first thing that happened?" She asked.

I had to admit, that did help me some but I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about mom and dad's deaths. I hadn't really talked about it since their funeral, I hated thinking or talking about it. She had her pen in her hand again, waiting for me to speak.

"Mom and dad died in a car crash a little over a year ago and I don't think I ever fully recovered from that.." I said and thought it was weird how I was admitting that to Quien.

"Why do you think you never moved on?" She asked.

"I-I don't know..." I admitted.

"Maybe you haven't taken the proper steps." She said and I looked at her confused.

"Proper steps?" I questioned.

"There are ways to get over the deaths of people we love and not everyone knows what they are. I can help you over that bump, your parents wouldn't want you to mope all your life." Quien said soothingly and I nodded.

"What are these..steps?" I asked, she opened a drawer on her desk.

Quien began writing a list, it wasn't long, she had only three things listened when she handed me the paper. I started down at it and was perplexed over what the paper meant.

 _Quien's guide to dealing with grief and loss_

 _1\. Acknowledge your pain._

 _2\. You don't have to always be strong._

 _3\. grief can be dealt with in many different ways, find what helps you._

I looked up at her for an explanation, I never understood emotional things. She sighed heavily and I laid the paper back onto her desk. She pointed at number one,

"knowing you are hurt is a good starting point, there is more to this. Grief goes in stages: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance." She explained and I nodded.

"Where do you find yourself usually when thinking of your parents?" She asked.

"What exactly is bargaining?" I asked, I had heard of the other things before.

"It's when you feel like you should have died instead of the people who passed." She clarified.

I thought to myself for a moment, I hadn't really thought in depth about this stuff. When I thought of mom and dad, I sometimes wished I was the one who died instead of them so Pony and Darry could have them. I think I've always had a problem with depression, I always felt things way too much. I was pretty emotional and I just pretended to be happy a lot of the time, I didn't want to be made fun of for being depressed.

"Yeah, sometimes I want to die just so Pony and Darry will have them back." I confessed and sniffled.

"Well, let me tell you this: your mom and dad wouldn't want you to die, they want you to live. Life is an amazing thing and they wouldn't want you to waste it." She said calmly and I nodded.

"I understand that, it's just I've always had a problem with feeling like I have worth deep inside. I always pretend I'm happy and confident when in reality, I don't really like myself sometimes." I muttered and she nodded.

"Can you tell me how long you've felt that way about yourself?" She asked.

"I think all my life, I've always felt like something was wrong with me but I never said anything." I confessed and looked down at my lap.

"Hmm, I don't want to assume too early but it sounds like you have depression." She said.

 _Well, I could've told you that._ I thought.

"Oh.." I whispered, something was officially wrong with me.

"A lot of people are affected by depression, at least yours isn't bad enough to have you thrown in the loony bin." She said with a slight smile.

"It used to be.." I muttered and she nodded.

"Well talk about that some other time, I don't want to dig too deep today." She said and checked her watch.

"We still got at least ten more minutes, do you have anything else you want to talk about?" She asked.

"I don't think so.." I said and she sighed.

"I'll let you out early today, I'll see you in a week." She said and waved at me.

"B-Bye." I said while I stood, I waved at her before I left her office.

I walked back into the waiting room and Darry instantly took notice of me, he stood from his chair. I walked over to him and I don't know if I looked distressed or not.

"You alright?" He asked and I shrugged.

"I rather wait until we're in the truck to talk." I whispered and he nodded.

We both walked to the truck and I buckled myself in, I felt awkward. I had never opened up to a stranger like that before, greasers didn't open up to anyone that wasn't close to them. She seemed mean at first but she softened up, I was conflicted. What Quien said actually helped me and I did feel somewhat better, I smiled slightly. Darry started the truck and backed out of his space, he started driving home. He sat silent for a few minutes before he cleared his throat, I looked over at him.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"Yeah?"

"How did it go?"

"..Pretty well, actually." I said and smiled.

"Really?" Darry asked in slight surprise.

"Yeah, she really helped me understand somethings and I'm thinking about things." I said.

"What did you guys talk about today?" He asked.

I wanted to tell but I didn't know how Darry would feel about me talking about mom and dad to a stranger. I hesitated to answer, he glanced over at me for a second. I coughed and sighed heavily, I lightly scratched my neck.

"We talked about mom and dad.." I said and he gave a short lasting surprised look.

"You never really talked to me about mom and dad after they died.." Darry muttered and I felt awkward.

"S-Sorry, she had a way to get me to talk. It was weird." I said.

"It's alright, that's what professionals do best." Darry said and chuckled.

I laughed, "yep, that's exactly what they do."

. . .

Me and Pony were getting ready for bed, Pony had come home right before his curfew. Darry seemed annoyed with him but I managed to get him not to say anything about it. Darry had went to bed already and it was around midnight now, I was pulling on my pajama pants.

"Soda?" Pony asked while sitting on his side of the bed.

"Hm?" I hummed and turned to him while pulling off my shirt.

"How did your appointment go?" Pony asked.

"Pretty well." I said.

"What did you guys talk about?" He question as he crawled under the blankets.

"I talk to her about mom and dad mainly, she's helping me understand some things." I said and Pony sighed.

"Are you sick?" He asked.

I paused, did having possible depression make you sick? I guess it would make me mentally sick but physically, I was better than okay.

"I might have depression, that's all." I said as I went to turn out the lights.

"Oh.." Pony muttered as I crawled under the blanket.

"Is that a problem?" I asked with a smirk, I brought him into my arms.

Pony shook his head, "no, I just wanna know if you ever feel sad."

"I can do that." I whispered as I kissed him on the forehead.

Pony deeply kissed me and I returned the kiss, he wrapped his arms around my neck. He pressed his body against my own, he began grinding against me. I slowly licked his lips and he slowly opened his mouth, I slipped my tongue inside. Pony groaned and fought with my tongue, I ultimately won. I laid Pony onto his back and looked into his eyes, he was blushing softly.

"S-Soda.." Pony panted.

"Hm?"

"I need you.." Pony muttered.

"We can't have sex, remember? It's not a special occasion or anything." I said.

"We fucked earlier, please?" Pony begged.

I groaned, I knew I wouldn't be able to get away from Pony while he was the way he was. I laid beside him and ran my hand down his flat stomach, I stopped on the edge of his boxers.

"Soda.." Pony breathed.

"Shh," I slid my hand into his boxers and grasped his semi-erect member.

Pony whimpered as I jerked him off, I felt him slowly become fully erect. I rubbed him slowly, teasing him the best I could. Pony was moaning quietly as I slowly built up speed, Pony mewled.

"S-Soda!" Pony whimpered and dug his nails into the sheets.

"You like that?" I asked and smirked against his neck.

"Y-Yes, oh, God!" Pony panted and I softly kissed his neck.

I kept jerking him off and I knew he was about to cum when he started squirming around next to me. I remembered what he did to me earlier, bent me over and fucked me. I figured this was a good place to get my revenge on him, I took my hand away from his erection. Pony looked at me confused while I rolled over, I yawned.

"Goodnight, Pony, I love you." I muttered and I heard him growl at me.

"Soda! I was about to cum!" He whined and I giggled.

"That was your punishment for earlier." I teased and he growled at me again.

"Fine, I'll finish off myself." Pony stated.

"You do that." I said and yawned, I stared off into the dark.

I heard Pony panting and moaning to himself, I smirked slightly to myself. I was pretty sure he was facing away from me but I would soon find out he wasn't. I heard him gasp sharply and then I felt a warm liquid get on my back, I jumped.

"Ponyboy Michael Curtis!" I exclaimed and he was stifling his laughter.

"That's your punishment for punishing me!" He said and stuck his tongue out at me.

I gave him a bored look, "just go get a towel." I ordered.

He was giggling while picking up a dirty towel off the floor, he wiped himself off then wiped my back off. I sighed heavily, maybe I shouldn't punish Pony unless I expected to get punished right back. Pony crawled back in bed and pressed himself against me, he softly nibbled on my ear.

"I love you, Soda." He whispered.

I sighed, "I love you, too, Pony."

Pony fell asleep before me, he rolled over and faced away from me at some point. I rolled over to look at him for a bit, just watching him peacefully sleep. He hadn't had many nightmares recently but he sure did like to kick me in his sleep. I shrugged, I loved him anyway. Pony was on the edge of the bed and was about to fall off, I pulled him back. He whimpered slightly and buried his face into my chest, I ran my fingers through his hair. I yawned and fell asleep, feeling rather content with myself for once.


	16. Chapter 16 (Last Chapter)

_Chapter 16_

I have been doing better, a lot better than I used to be. Quien really helped me understand a lot of things about myself that I didn't know, it was weird. She always knew when I was having a horrible day and she would always guess right on what was bothering me on that day. My cutting urges had shrunk down to just once every couple months, my scars still seemed ugly to me. Quien told me that being able to wear short sleeves is a great step into full recovery, I remember I completely refused to even humor the idea. She kept urging me, it annoyed me greatly at the time.

I was in her office, it was raining outside and I could hear when the rain picked up to pouring down. Darry had brought me like he always did, Dallas had to take me a few times. He always managed to fit an entire rant about something in a fifteen minute car ride. He ranted to me about anything that set him off just a bit, the stupidest thing was when he got the wrong kind of cigarettes and griped to me about it. I never said anything about it, I just listened like I would when Darry or Pony complained about each other to me. He just dropped me off and went to do whatever, sometimes he would be nice and let me talk to him. Dallas was so mean and spiteful but, sometimes he helped me more than Quien. I went through my horrible withdrawals with him by my side all the way through it. He took things from me when I tried to turn them into weapons, he would hold me when I tried to hurt someone else, one time I slapped him across the face and he didn't hit me back. When I slapped him, I instantly regretted it. I saw what happened to people that hit Dallas, there wasn't much left of them after that point. He just grabbed my arms and held me still, I didn't know what to do.

"You alright?" He asked me and I slowly nodded.

"Good, I'll let you slapping me go." He said and plopped down onto the couch.

I didn't know Dallas as being able to let anything go. Dallas never let anything slip by, especially if it was against him. Dallas never forgave Two-Bit for stealing money from him once and that was over a year ago now. He just let it slip out of his hand like sand, it was something new to me about him.

"Hey, Soda, how are you?" Quien asked me in a friendly tone.

I just frowned in response, I didn't feel well at all that day. I was tired and depressed, the rain always made me feel drowsy and tired. The sound of it hitting the roof made me want to pass out in the leather chair I was sitting in, I really liked it when it started to pour down. I released a heavy sigh and slouched in my seat, I didn't want to be there.

"Having a bad day today?" She asked and I didn't answer.

"...Are you having urges to cut?" She asked softly and I put my eyes on her.

"Yeah..I've been thinking about it a lot this week." I muttered and she nodded.

"Remember what I told you?" She asked and I shook my head.

"Sodapop, you are important and needed. Your family and friends care dearly about you and want you to get better. No one would be the same if you passed, especially your brothers and your best friend." She said and I winced inwardly.

I mainly thought of the idea of Steve losing me, I don't think he would be able to function as a normal person. He would just get angrier than he already is, I'm like his anger reliever. Without me, he would end up in prison for killing someone. Steve always had problems with his anger, even since the day we met in fifth grade. I cared a lot about Steve, he is my best buddy after all. I don't think he would handle losing me well, no one could convince him it would all be okay. Darry and Ponyboy would be completely devastated, the idea of Pony living without me killed me. He wouldn't be okay, I knew he wouldn't be. I just saw the image of him sitting on our bed, holding a picture of me while he sobbed for hours. The idea broke my heart and I would always hold him closer, I never wanted to hurt him like that. Darry probably wouldn't cry, he would be too devastated to even conjure any tears. He would live the rest of his days asking why I had to leave and I could never give him the answers. I couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone in the gang, Dallas and Two-Bit would even be hurt by me dying. I could see Dallas feeling like he failed me if I killed myself, he tried to hard to fix me. He would just get angrier and blame the world like he usually did. Two-Bit would be beyond depressed, he wouldn't be the same at all. He was the main reason why I was driven to cutting myself, he would blame himself for the rest of his life. I was figure he would end up drinking himself to death if I killed myself, he wouldn't be able to live with the grief. I could only think of these based on how they acted when I was still suicidal, they all showed their concerns in different ways.

"I know I am important but...sometimes I can't help but think everyone would be better off without me." I explained and looked down at my feet.

"Your parents would want you to live your life fully, I know they didn't live as long as they should have but they would be just as devastated to see you go so soon." She said and stood from her chair.

Her black heels clicked against the wooden floor and to the chair next to me, she sat down and crossed her legs. She took a firm hold of my hand and just held my hand for a moment, I noticed she was a lot paler than I was. I didn't say anything to her for a long time, I didn't know what she was doing by holding my hand.

"Soda, I promise the people who love you will miss you everyday for the rest of their lives. I had a brother, he was your age and his name was William, he ended his own life when he was eighteen." She said and ran her thumb over the back of my hand.

I couldn't respond. What are you supposed to say when someone opens up to you about suicide? I opened my mouth but nothing came out, I had no words to force out that would make sense.

"He had so much to live for, he was going to go to an excellent college for engineering and he had a beautiful girlfriend he had been with for a couple years. He told me he wanted to marry that woman." She muttered and I saw some tears well up in her dark eyes.

"What I'm getting at is, you have a long life ahead of you. You have people to love, people to meet, and places to go. William maybe never got to see the world for what he truly is but you have that chance. Take it, I promise it will be worth it." Quien urged and I nodded.

"I was fourteen when he passed away, isn't that how old your little brother is?" She asked.

"Pony is fifteen but I can see what you mean.." I muttered and softly sniffled.

"I don't mean to guilt trip but, it really hurts the people that love you. They will not be the same without you there with them." She and squeezed my hand.

"I understand..I don't wanna hurt anybody." I said and she smiled.

"I'll be here to talk about anything, I promise." She assured.

I went home that day with a new appreciation with the love the gang showed me. They showed their love in different ways, usually by punching me in the arm and asking how I was doing. I had to teach myself to see how they worked and to see how they showed they cared. Two-Bit was the one who liked to ask how I was doing, I could tell by the pain in his grey eyes that he was deeply concerned. I had to repeatedly tell him I was fine but he seemed to never believe me. He treated me like I was made a glass and he watched his words, something he usually never did. I had to pull him into the bedroom so I could talk to him, I hated to see him so down.

"Two-Bit?" I asked him and he looked at me.

"Yeah?"

"Come to the bedroom, I need to talk to you." I said and motioned toward the hallway.

Two-Bit followed me to the bedroom and he seemed deeply confused. I sat on the bed and patted the bed, wanting him to sit down next to me. He hesitated but took a seat beside me, he stared down at his hands that were on his lap. He seemed to not look at me a lot recently, he shifted uncomfortably.

"Two-Bit, what's been eating at you?" I asked and placed my hand on his shoulder.

He lifted his head and glanced at my hand on his shoulder, he slowly moved his eyes over to me. I simply smiled and he darted his eyes away from me. He coughed and scratched at his arm, I raised an eyebrow.

"Two-Bit, I know why you've been acting this way." I stated and he looked at me like I was crazy.

"I don't think I know what you mean." He muttered defensively.

"Don't you even try and act all macho with me right now. I'm being serious." I said and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Soda, I really don't know what you're talking about." Two-Bit muttered and glaced at me.

"You act so sad when you look at me and you barely act like yourself. Why?" I asked.

Two-Bit was silent for what seemed like forever, I didn't rush him to answer my question. He twiddled his thumbs and let out a heavy sigh, he pursed his lips. He shut his grey eyes and ran his hands over his face, I continued to sit silently.

"Do you really want me to tell you why?" He asked while looking over at me, his eyes looked all over me.

I nodded, "I want to know why." I said.

Two-Bit let out a long sigh while burying his face into his hands, he fell back onto his back. I simply looked over at him and he let his arms fall to the bed with a thud. He stared up at the white ceiling, seeming to be in deep thought. He ran his fingers through his greasy hair and kept his fingers buried in his thick hair.

"I almost made you kill yourself, Soda. How the Hell am I supposed to live with that?" Two-Bit asked and let a sob escape his lips.

I scooted over to where his head was and began to pet him, I hated to see him tear himself up so much.

"I could've reacted differently. I should've let you talk to me but...but. oh, shit.." He stammered and began to bawl.

I just let him cry, I knew I wouldn't be able to get him to stop. He sat up and looked at me for a moment, my heart broke to see such a deep sadness in his eyes. He was usually laughing and smiling but now he was an emotional mess. He cried for a few moments before wrapping his arms around my neck, I returned the hug and I just held him.

"Sodapop, I'm so sorry about the things I did and said. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad." He sobbed, I had to listen really closely to understand him.

"Keith, it's alright. I'm alive and I'm not cutting anymore." I said soothingly but he shook his head.

"You still have problems, Soda. I fucked you up and I fucked Pony up. I can't make it up, how do you make up ripping people's emotions to shreds, especially people you give a shit about?" He said and released me just to bury his face in his hands again.

"You don't have to make it up. You reacted properly to the situation you were in. Incest is wrong but, I can't help that I love Ponyboy the way I do. I didn't expect you to completely understand what we were and what we are." I said and pet him slowly.

"I shouldn't of..of just ran off and yelled..I don't know why I did that.." Two-Bit murmured and I sighed heavily.

I moved his hands from his face and placed my hands around his jaw. He didn't do anything to prevent me from making him face me, he stared into my eyes with a deep confusion.

"Keith, I promise that me and Pony are just fine. It was rough but, we made it through. You don't have to worry about me and Pony anymore. Quien really helps me." I cooed and circled my thumbs over his cheeks.

"Really..?" He asked.

I nodded,I just wanted him to be able to feel closure from all of this. What he did wasn't right but it wasn't exactly wrong, I could understand where he was coming from. I let go of his face and placed my hands onto my lap, we sat in silence for a long time. He just sat still, looking over me and I didn't feel awkward about it. He finally moved his eyes toward his hands and cleared his throat.

"I hope what happened won't affect our friendship in anyway..." He said and I chuckled.

"You're still one of my best friends, Two-Bit, I could never just forget about you." I said and he smiled.

"I am pretty unforgettable." He said with a grin.

I gave him a hug and just held him for a moment, wanting to secure that I was completely okay. I let go of him and stood up, he got up as well. I smiled at him and he returned the sentiment, me and Two-Bit were going to be okay.

Me and Pony's relationship got more mature and wasn't as childish as it was when we first got together. We used to have sexual encounters all the time but now, it was very limited. We began obeying Darry's rules and we just didn't have sex a lot. I didn't mind that much, I could wait for eternity just for Pony to turn eightteen. Years seemed to fly by and I just watched him become manlier and more intelligent. I never was smart but seeing Pony excel with his knowledge made me so proud of him. I knew no one would ever know about our relationship but I didn't care, he was mine and that's all that mattered. Pony matured a lot and I had to mature myself just to stay in the same train of thought as him. He was still childish but he knew exactly when to be a proper adult. He always taught me new things, things I never knew even existed. Sometimes we would cuddle on the bed and he would be reading a book that was thicker than his head and he would spit out some fact. I didn't understand all that he said but I tried my best, I just held him as he read his thick books. I never understood why Pony loved to read so much, a book could never hold my attention longer than a couple seconds. I've always been hyperactive and I always tried to distract Pony from his books, sometimes that would result in me getting hit in the head with a book. We were still brothers so, the arguing and wrestling still happened. Wrestling was kind of our own form of foreplay, sex between us always seemed to start with us wrestling with each other. We always argued about stupid stuff too, we rarely ever had a serious fight.

The only time I think I can remember us having a serious fight was when Pony got jealous of some girls down at the DX. I always attracted women even if I didn't particularly enjoy their attention, it was a bit creepy at times. Pony was at the store when this particular was really trying to get at me, I was surprised she didn't try to climb over the counter. She was calling me things I didn't feel comfortable with but I tried to ignore her, she eventually ended up in my face. Pony probably saw it as flirting when I just flashed her a smile and tried to go on with my day. I saw him leave in a haste and I was concerned about what was wrong with him, I had to wait until the end of my shift to find out. I finally got home and went straight into the bedroom, Pony was sitting at his desk, reading.

"Pone?" I asked softly and he marked his place, he shut the book and stood up.

"What was with that chick down at the DX, hmm?" He asked and went to shut the door.

"She was flirting with me, or at least trying to." I said as he stood in front of me.

"Why would you smile at her?" He questioned and I raised an eyebrow.

"What are you getting at Ponyboy?" I inquired, he let out a heavy sigh.

"Sounds to me you were flirting with her." He muttered and looked away.

"Pony, I was not flirting with her-"

"Then why would you smile at her? Huh?" He retorted and crossed his arms over his chest.

I was scared about what to do or say, it sort of reminded me of when Sandy and I had arguments. I could never be right, I was always wrong. Me and her had more problems than we let on, mostly about her being a control freak. Pony was scaring me with how he was acting and I didn't know what to do, I felt hurt.

"I didn't want to seem rude by ignoring her, you know what could get me fired?" I said and he rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." He stated and walked out of the room.

"..Pony..?" I softly asked, I felt my heart break within my chest.

I didn't try to talk to him for the rest of the night, I knew it was pointless to even try. Me and Pony didn't even look at each other at dinner, I just focused on my food like it was going to give me advice on how to fix the situation. Darry noticed but didn't say anything about it until it was time for us to go to bed, he stopped me in the wallway. I didn't want to look at him, I was depressed and I didn't know how to fix anything.

"What's with you and Ponyboy?" Darry asked and I sighed.

"Just a little fight is all.." I muttered and he scoffed.

"It must've been a pretty serious fight if you guys won't even look at each other." He said and I kicked at the floor.

"It's embarrassing.." I said.

"We're all guys here, what happened?"

"Well, there was this girl down at the DX who just wouldn't leave me the hell alone and I smiled at her to try and get her off of me. Pony saw and I guess he thought I was flirting back with her." I said and glanced up at him.

"Well, Soda, Pony isn't exactly easy to talk to when he has his panties in a twist about something. I would wait until he says something about it first." Darry said and ruffled my hair.

"I guess, I don't like how he's been avoiding me." I said and Darry smiled.

"It'll pass, you know how Pony can be." He said while walking toward his bedroom.

"Goodnight, Dar." I said before retreating into the bedroom.

Pony was already in bed when I closed the door behind me, I let out a heavy sigh. He didn't even look at me, he just yawned and rolled over so he was facing the wall. I moped around and went through various ways I could try and make it better. Pony sure was good at holding grudges against people sometimes, I just wish it wasn't me he was upset at. I pulled off my jeans and crawled under the blanket, I stared at the back of his head. I let out a soft sigh and was about to roll over when he rolled over to face me. He looked over me for a moment and I didn't budge, I didn't want to lose his attention. He scooted closer to me and I gave him a confused look, he was acting weird.

"Pony?" I whispered and he pressed himself against me.

Pony pressed his lips to mine and I hesitated to return the kiss, I wasn't sure what kind of game he was playing with me. I softly returned the kiss and he wrapped his arms around my neck, I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist. He pulled away and just sat silent, I was getting frustrated.

"Pony, what do you want from me?" I asked, feeling exasperated.

Pony just stared at me, I couldn't read what he wanted. I don't know if he expected me to read his mind or what, I just let out a frustrated groan. I let go of him and rolled over, I needed to sleep anyway.

"Pony, I'm going to bed. I have work and if you wanna be mad then fine, be mad." I stated in frustration and closed my eyes.

I heard Pony softly sniffle and roll back over toward the wall, I knew i hurt his feelings. I couldn't sleep knowing I made Pony cry, I rolled over and pulled him into my arms. He had tears all over his cheeks and I tried to wipe his face dry, he nuzzled my shoulder.

"Soda, I'm sorry about how I've been acting. It wasn't your fault that girl was all over you, I..I just got jealous.." Pony muttered and buried his face into my chest.

I ran my fingers through his hair, it didn't have grease in it due to him taking a shower earlier. I liked when his hair didn't have grease in it, it was so soft and plush.

"I didn't take you for the jealous type, Ponyboy." I teased and he chuckled.

"I wasn't until I saw someone trying to flirt with you. It didn't feel right...I didn't feel right about it. I knew it wasn't your fault but..I just don't know why I reacted the way I did.." Pony muttered and rubbed his nose against mine.

I smiled, "it's alright, Pony, I was more upset about you avoidin' me." I said and softly kissed him.

"So, are we okay now?" He asked and I smirked.

"Maybe.." I murmured while moving my hand to his ass and pinching it.

"...You want a special apology.." He whispered and I nodded.

Pony rolled his eyes, "fine." He muttered.

Pony and I tried not to break Darry's rules a lot but, we occasionally slipped up. We could wait until a special occasion but we had our moments. Pony was what kept me going when I had rough days, he always knew how to pick me up when I couldn't even stand up. Sometimes he would drag me to the park just so I was getting some sunshine, I had gotten rather pale from staying indoors too much. He would make sure I ate and sometimes even prod my mouth with food when I would be stubborn. Darry and the rest of the gang thought it was funny but I thought it was rather nice to have someone constantly making sure I was alright. Ever since I found out about my depression, I've noticed things that I do that normal people don't do. I can have a nervous breakdown if I just think about work way too much and make it worse than it actually is. I also get so tired, I could sleep for an entire day and still be completely exhausted. Pony made sure I got up, showered and just lived a normal life. I don't' think I could've lived up to this point in my life without him. Every moment I spend with him is pure happiness, even in my darkest hours. I couldn't wait for him to turn eighteen, I had plans for us on his birthday. I bought him a ring, I really wanted to know if he would like it or not. I wanted to claim him as my husband, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it for real but, I wanted to show him I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I thought I would marry Sandy but that died a long time ago, Pony turned out to be my forever. It's really bizarre how life and fate can lead you to who you didn't expect, Pony wasn't someone I thought I would ever end up with. I knew from a rather young age I liked him more than I should but, I didn't think on it much then. Even when I was with Sandy, I noticed the way Pony moved and talked, it would drive me insane. I tried to convince myself I was normal for a long time but it was inevitable when I would find that I was not normal. I was strange, I was just not normal in anyway. I could give the outside world the impression I was just a normal man but in reality, I was definitely not what they would call ordinary.

Today was July 22nd, 1969, it was Ponyboy's eighteenth birthday today. I had been waiting for so long for this day and it had finally come. We had a small gathering for it but I just wanted to take him out to do my own plans. I knew he really liked sunsets so I wanted to take him to watch one together, it was cheesy but it would make him happy. I didn't tell anyone where me and Pony were going, I didn't want to risk anyone trying to bother us. I had to convince Darry to let me borrow his truck, he didn't like me driving it. He said I was a reckless driver and all I could do was respond with a pun.

"Soda, I'm not sure. You really don't pay attention to your surrounds, you're really reckless." Darry said in a worried tone.

"Well, you are right about one thing, I am a _wreckless_ driver!" I said with a cheesy smile.

Darry's face remained unchanged.

"I know you haven't had any wrecks but you remember that one time you almost ran over Keith?" He asked and raised an eyebrow.

"He was the one who was drunk and thought it would be funny to try and jump onto the hood." I stated and Darry sighed.

"That is true. Fine, I'll let you take the truck." Darry said and pulled the keys from his pocket.

"Do not hurt yourself or Ponyboy. I don't need to lose you guys due to your recklessness." Darry said while handing me the keys.

I rolled my eyes, "I won't hurt anybody." I said.

I grabbed some blankets and pillows for me and Pony so we wouldn't have to sit on the hard metal of the truck bed. I got everything packed into the truck and went to get Ponyboy. He was talking to Johnny about something I had never heard of when I tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to me. I smiled at him, silently telling him I was ready to leave, he turned back to Johnny.

"Sorry, but me and Soda have a date." Pony said and Johnny nodded.

"That's alright, I'll talk to you later." Johnny said as he waved.

Pony waved back as we walked to the front door and out to the truck. I got inside and made sure to buckle myself in, something I would've forgotten if I was alone. Ponyboy sat in the middle near me and wrapped the belt around his hips, he leaned against me.

"You never told me where we were going." He muttered and I just smiled as I started the truck.

"It's a surprise." I said as I backed out of the driveway.

I drove out of town, I knew we wouldn't be able to see the sunset well while still in the city. I drove for what seemed like forever until we were out in the country. Ponyboy always liked the country for some odd reason, I didn't really like how desolate it all seemed. There were no stores, only the occasional farm or house, but nothing more. Pony looked at everything very closely, he was very observant of all the trees. I turned down a dirt road that seemed to lead to nowhere until I found the perfect place to park and watch the sunset with Ponyboy. It was a slight hill, nothing too big, I parked the truck and unbuckled myself. Pony looked at me with a confused look and I just smiled.

"W-Why are we here?" Pony asked.

I softly kissed him and pulled away, keeping the distance between us short.

"I heard you like sunsets so, I figured we would watch one together." I murmured as I pulled away and opened the door.

I got out and Pony soon followed, he stood to the side while I fixed up everything. I got all the blankets first and climbed into the bed of the truck, I laid them down to make a cushion. I grabbed the pillows and laid them down, I positioned them just right so it looked perfect. Pony looked at my like I was crazy, I wanted it all to be flawless for him so I paid attention to every detail. I finally climbed out and opened the tailgate, I climbed on and helped Pony into the bed. I leaned against the back of the truck and motioned for him to lay his head on my chest, he hesitated but laid his head down. I ran my fingers through his hair, just wanting him to be happy.

"Soda?" Pony asked.

"Hmm?"

"I didn't take you for the romantic type.." He muttered and I chuckled.

"You never saw all the money I wasted on Sandy just to make her smile." I said and softly kissed him on the head.

"Well, now you can waste that money on me." He laughed and nuzzled my chest.

Pony went silent for a long time, I didn't really know why until I actually did what we came here for. I looked up at the sky and was mesmerized by what I saw, I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I knew I missed a majority of the sunsetting but the beautiful reds, oranges and pinks that collided with each other in such a perfect way. I had never looked at a sunset before, I always thought it was pretty stupid but now I saw why Pony liked them so much. They were beautiful and fascinating, almost like they were symbolizing beauty in itself. I was playing with the box in my pocket, I hadn't forgot about the ring. I wondered if Pony could hear my heartbeat getting faster, I felt my mouth get really dry. I gulped and had Pony sit up next to me, I continued to mess with the box in my pocket.

"P-Pony, I wanted to ask you something for a long time now and..and.." I trailed off and he smiled.

"You can ask me anything, Sodapop." He said and I slowly pulled out the box from my pocket.

Pony watched me move closely and when he saw the box, he just stared at me. I couldn't read his facial expression well and my hands were shaking so badly I thought I was going to drop it. This was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, it wasn't like the stories I had read. I was sweating everywhere, I couldn't move without looking like I was having a seizure, I looked like a big mess. I finally peeled the lid back on the box and moved it closer to Ponyboy, I could barely look at him. I cleared my throat and let out a shaky breath, this was it.

"P-Pony, I love you with all of my heart. I don't know why I would fall so deeply in love with my own brother but, I don't regret it at all. I know we can't get married for various reasons but, I would like you give you the experience." I said and he simply stared at me.

"This is a joke, right?" He asked, I saw tears well up in his eyes.

I smiled, "not at all. Ponyboy Michael Curtis, will you marry me?" I asked, my brain didn't completely register what I had said yet.

Pony looked down at the ring for a moment, letting his green eyes scan over the diamond. He slowly made his eyes to mine and I saw the tears finally spill over. He softly pushed the ring out of the way and crawled onto my lap, he hugged me close to him.

"Sodapop Patrick Curtis, of course I'll marry you. You didn't have to buy that ring, I would've accepted if it was a piece of cardboard." Ponyboy murmured and deeply kissed me.

I returned the kiss while I grabbed his right hand and slipped the finger onto his ring finger, he slowly pulled away. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face, Pony was mine and mine alone. Pony was smiling back at me, everything seemed way too good to be true. Suddenly, I was making out with the love of my life, letting my hands run all over his body. I shivered to hear Pony moan from my touch, I knew right then I could live my whole life with just him. I placed my hands on his hips and began to suck and kiss his neck, I knew he was especially sensitive there. Pony whimpered as he slowly ran his fingers through my hair, arousing me even more. I moved my hands under his shirt and over his stomach, his skin felt hot on my palms. I finally reached his chest and began to rub his nipples, something I hadn't done in a long time. Pony gasped and arched his back in pleasure, I continued to circle my fingers over his nipples.

"Oh, God, Sodaaa.." Pony moaned and gripped tightly at my shirt.

I needed to hear him moan, it was one of my favorite parts of making love with him. It was all intoxicating and I loved every second, I had barely noticed the sky was full of stars. I slowly laid Pony down and went to unbutton his pants, I hesitated.

"Go ahead, Soda, I don't mind." Pony chuckled, I noticed his cheeks were awfully red.

I began to unbutton and unzip his jeans, I noticed him kick off his shoes. I pulled off his jeans and boxers, I went to go take off his shirt. He stopped me and pulled it off himself, he was completely exposed to me. No matter how many times I had seen him naked, it always amazed me from how sexy and beautiful he was. I took off all of my clothes and proceeded to softly kiss the middle of his chest, he was panting in anticipation as I trailed down to his naval. I licked right above his navel and then softly blew air over it, he whimpered heavily, I smirked to myself. I moved down to his thighs and began to softly nibble at them, causing Pony to arch his back in ecstasy. I softly kissed down his inner thighs until I was facing his member, I glanced up at him. Pony had his eyes closed, waiting patiently for me to make my next move. I took his tip into my mouth and circled my tongue over and over, slowly. Pony mewled and placed his hands on the back of my head, he slightly forced his erection deeper into my mouth. I began to bob my head slowly as I deep throated him, Pony gasped sharply.

"Soda!" He exclaimed and held onto my hair like a lifeline.

I began to bob my head faster, causing Pony to writhe beneath me. He couldn't keep himself quiet and I didn't mind, we were in the middle of nowhere. I could taste his salty pre-cum and I didn't mind, I needed more of him. Pony bucked his hips and groaned when his action caused me to deepthroat him again, I moaned on his cock. Pony couldn't stop moaning over and over, each time getting louder and louder. I knew I was driving him crazy but I didn't want him to release just yet. I pulled his member from my mouth and crawled ontop of him, I looked down at him for a moment. His cheeks were completely red and his eyes were half shut, he stared back up at me. I noticed the way his eyebrows were furrowed in anticipation, wanting me to take him right that moment. I wanted to marvel in how he looked to precious and so innocent, it was so invigorating. I placed my erection at his entrance and softly kissed him on the forehead, he softly whimpered.

"S-Soda.." Pony moaned as I pushed inside of him.

"Pony.." I breathed as I began to thrust my hips slowly, wanting to make it all last as long as I could.

Pony wrapped his pale legs around my waist and kept my face buried into his shoulder, I didn't mind at all. I moaned from just feeling the way he grasped my member, it felt so warm and tight. He was perfect in everyway, I didn't care what anyone said. Pony softly moaned, they were the most sensual sounds I had ever heard pass human lips. He was precious and gorgeous, he was everything I could ever need.

"H-Harder.." Pony panted and I instantly complied with his wishes.

I thrusted harder into him while also moving my hips faster, Pony pressed his bare chest closer to mine. I felt connected with him, having his warm skin pressed against my own made me want to lose it but I had to please Pony. Pony's moans were in a higher pitch as he clawed at my back, I pulled my head from his shoulder and rested my forehead against his. I panted heavily as I fucked him harder, he moved his hands to the blankets and clawed heavily at them.

"F-Fuck!" He groaned and deeply kissed me.

I violated his mouth with my tongue and investigated every corner, loving the taste of shivered as I pet his tongue with my own, I never wanted to pull away. He moaned right into my mouth and it was too hot for me to stop. Sadly, I had to breath so I pulled away, a string of saliva kept us connected. I fucked him even harder, Pony let out a scream of pure ecstasy.

"S-Soda, please don't stop!" He begged and clawed at my back, I felt like he almost drew blood.

"I don't count on it." I said lustfully and kept at my pace.

I don't know how long we went on but, damn I didn't want it to end. Everything was was too perfect to stop but sadly, I had to cum. I grunted as I buried myself as deep as possible into Pony and released, I bucked my hips as I came. I let out an elongated moan as I finished. Pony simply whimpered and came all over his stomach, I laid on top of him for a moment. I slowly pulled out and collapsed next to him, I pulled him into my arms. Pony yawned and held me close, I yawned as well.

"I'm tired..." Pony murmured and I sighed.

"I'm not sure if I'll be able to drive back.." I admitted tiredly.

"We can sleep here, it's nice out." Pony muttered and I sighed.

"I guess, if the bugs get too bad then we have to move into the cab." I whispered and he chuckled.

I helped him under one of the blankets and spooned him, I nuzzled the back of his head.

"I love you, Soda." He whispered.

"I love you, too, Pony, so much." I whispered back and softly kissed him on the neck.

Life had been tough but, it got so much better. I was beyond glad I didn't die that night and I was glad I didn't give up on life. I was now "engaged" to Ponyboy and I could say I was happy. After a long time of dealing with my depression, I was finally happy about something. Pony had fallen asleep and I just sat awake, smiling like crazy.

 _ **A/N: Everyone thank you so much for reading this fanfic! I've been blown away with all the support I've gotten! This is the end of this fanfiction but I'll have plenty more. Thank you once again!**_


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